How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar) - The Horse Forum
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 02:45 AM Thread Starter
Green Broke
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: south of nowhere, north of nothing
Posts: 4,644
• Horses: 6
How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar)

this is just a story my dad sent obviously not personal experience but omg i was cvrying i laughed so hard!!!!!

>A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
>anniversary submitted this:
>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

>my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
>for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was

>a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

>supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
>assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>two AAA
>batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
>pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
>arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

>the face of her microwave.
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>There I
>sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
>while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

>try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
>thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it.
>She is such a sweet cat.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I
>wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
>burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
>would be wasting the batteries.
>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'long,
>less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
>with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
>possible way!'
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
>as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst
> from
>such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
>I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
>touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . H*LY
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
>up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
>over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

>position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
>fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
>body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
>making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
>frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
>getting slammed by my body flopping all
>over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to
>'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
>thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go

>of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
>thrashing about on the
>floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT
>LIKE HE**!!!
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
>the fireplace.
>The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
>originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
>twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

>bottom lip weighed 88
>lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on
>but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw

>a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
>I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for

>their safe return!!
>P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

*Insert something witty*
Roperchick is offline  
Sponsored Links
post #2 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 02:50 AM
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 16,846
• Horses: 1
OMG LOL poor guy!! I could have told him that you can't give yourself a 1 second burst :P ahahaha

Wow :P

"Strength is the ability to use a muscle without tension"
Skyseternalangel is offline  
post #3 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 02:59 AM
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 8,167
• Horses: 3
Oh god thats funny! I need to get me a taser....

Cross Country- The act of hurling yourself and your equine partner at a stationary object with poise and grace while attempting to survive...
PintoTess is offline  
post #4 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 05:45 AM
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 1,089
• Horses: 2
Love it
Posted via Mobile Device
Prinella is offline  
post #5 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 08:16 AM
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Mannford, Ok
Posts: 429
• Horses: 2
Wow...hahahahahahahaha! Hum...maybe my hubby might buy me one and want to test it out on himself first....hehehehe!
Posted via Mobile Device
mysticalhorse is offline  
post #6 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 10:13 AM
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: nj
Posts: 2,289
• Horses: 0
omg dying laughing :p silly man dont they think before they do things lol... give himself a one second shot bahahaha
kait18 is offline  
post #7 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 09:41 PM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: California
Posts: 80
• Horses: 2
What's the reward? Just kidding! ........My family is staring at me because I'm laughing so hard but this is hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

Horses carry our tears in their manes, and our dreams in their tales.
Horses accept us for who we are not what we look and act like.
SammyAnn is offline  
post #8 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 09:46 PM
Green Broke
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: AZ
Posts: 4,840
• Horses: 2
That is just too funny-my ribs are aching from laughing.
Cacowgirl is offline  
post #9 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 09:49 PM
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6,772
• Horses: 2
LoL, Too funny.

"The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with
him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too."

-Samuel Butler
CLaPorte432 is offline  
post #10 of 23 Old 05-22-2012, 10:25 PM
Super Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 16,405
• Horses: 0
I carry a big taser on my duty belt. When we pull the trigger it fires two darts that will pass the current into the poor sucker. When you pull the trigger, it gives a five second more, no less. You pull the trigger again for another five second burst.

The taser made for the public gives a 15 second burst, so you can drop it and run while the person is down. You get a big head start.

Our police tasers are 50,000 volts. I bet your friends is too. Ours has a bigger lithium battery.

This is one of the best tools to ever get in law enforcement hands, IMO.
Allison Finch is offline  

Quick Reply

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

Already have a Horse Forum account?
Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

New to the Horse Forum?
Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.

User Name:
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

Old Thread Warning
This thread is more than 90 days old. When a thread is this old, it is often better to start a new thread rather than post to it. However, If you feel you have something of value to add to this particular thread, you can do so by checking the box below before submitting your post.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Marriage described through a horse race - Warning, vulgar language!! mliponoga Jokes and Funnies 10 12-21-2010 09:49 PM
First Rated Show: Critique me please (: UnrealJumper Horse Riding Critique 10 10-09-2010 01:20 AM
Kind of weird and vulgar... hotreddun Horse Talk 12 08-11-2009 11:44 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome