How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar)

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How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar)

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    05-22-2012, 03:45 AM
Green Broke
How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar)

This is just a story my dad sent obviously not personal experience but omg I was cvrying I laughed so hard!!!!!

>A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
>anniversary submitted this:
>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

>my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
>for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was

>a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

>supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
>assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>two AAA
>batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
>pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
>arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

>the face of her microwave.
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>There I
>sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
>while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

>try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
>thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
Better of it.
>She is such a sweet cat.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I
>wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
>burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
>would be wasting the batteries.
>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'long,
>less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
>with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
>possible way!'
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
>as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst
> from
>such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
>I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
>touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . H*LY
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
>up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
>over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

>position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
>fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
>body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
>making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
>frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
>getting slammed by my body flopping all
>over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to
>'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
>thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go

>of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
>thrashing about on the
>floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT
>LIKE HE**!!!
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
>the fireplace.
>The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
>originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
>twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

>bottom lip weighed 88
>lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on
>but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw

>a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
>I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for

>their safe return!!
>P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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    05-22-2012, 03:50 AM
OMG LOL poor guy!! I could have told him that you can't give yourself a 1 second burst :P ahahaha

Wow :P
    05-22-2012, 03:59 AM
Oh god that's funny! I need to get me a taser....
    05-22-2012, 06:45 AM
Love it
Posted via Mobile Device
    05-22-2012, 09:16 AM
Wow...hahahahahahahaha! Hum...maybe my hubby might buy me one and want to test it out on himself first....hehehehe!
Posted via Mobile Device
    05-22-2012, 11:13 AM
Omg dying laughing :p silly man don't they think before they do things lol... give himself a one second shot bahahaha
    05-22-2012, 10:41 PM
What's the reward? Just kidding! ........My family is staring at me because I'm laughing so hard but this is hilarious! Thanks for sharing!
    05-22-2012, 10:46 PM
Green Broke
That is just too funny-my ribs are aching from laughing.
    05-22-2012, 10:49 PM
LoL, Too funny.
    05-22-2012, 11:25 PM
Super Moderator
I carry a big taser on my duty belt. When we pull the trigger it fires two darts that will pass the current into the poor sucker. When you pull the trigger, it gives a five second more, no less. You pull the trigger again for another five second burst.

The taser made for the public gives a 15 second burst, so you can drop it and run while the person is down. You get a big head start.

Our police tasers are 50,000 volts. I bet your friends is too. Ours has a bigger lithium battery.

This is one of the best tools to ever get in law enforcement hands, IMO.

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