How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar) - Page 2
 
 

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How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar)

This is a discussion on How a Taser works (warning R rated kinda vulgar) within the Jokes and Funnies forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category
  • Taser using lawn mower spark
  • Me, my dad, and his tazer

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    05-23-2012, 04:10 AM
  #11
Green Broke
Quote:
Originally Posted by Allison Finch    
I carry a big taser on my duty belt. When we pull the trigger it fires two darts that will pass the current into the poor sucker. When you pull the trigger, it gives a five second burst...no more, no less. You pull the trigger again for another five second burst.

The taser made for the public gives a 15 second burst, so you can drop it and run while the person is down. You get a big head start.

Our police tasers are 50,000 volts. I bet your friends is too. Ours has a bigger lithium battery.

This is one of the best tools to ever get in law enforcement hands, IMO.

Yeah my dad totally got me with his SWAT taser....not fun to say the least. I've seen what those darts do too! They leave nice little holes for people to remember them by.haha
     
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    05-23-2012, 05:53 PM
  #12
Weanling
My husband tried reading this out loud to me about a month ago. A friend had sent him the story. He was laughing so hard he had tears running and I couldn't understand half of what he said!
Definitely a good one! Thanks for sharing
     
    05-24-2012, 03:02 AM
  #13
Started
Ha ha nice!
     
    05-31-2012, 11:12 PM
  #14
Yearling
LOL I just DIED laughing!!
     
    06-16-2012, 02:55 AM
  #15
Foal
Lol that's the funniest thing hahahha
Posted via Mobile Device
     
    09-03-2012, 03:40 AM
  #16
Weanling
Sounds like an email I recieved from my dad about a guy on a riding lawnmower...
     
    09-03-2012, 03:44 AM
  #17
Weanling
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of s**t lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
There were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of s**t chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumb*tch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
DixieKate and mandee28 like this.
     
    11-15-2012, 09:04 AM
  #18
Foal
WOW that was stupid I learned the hard way like that guy I have ADHD so you could say im a little to curious there is electrical fencing at the barn on the fances in the paddock and I was like what would it feel like if I touched it I did and it hurt like **** my arm was num for like five hours and I had burned my hand.
Posted via Mobile Device
     
    11-15-2012, 09:09 AM
  #19
Foal
I have to say to a group of unknown strangers that today is without a doubt the saddest I have ever been in 30 years. The loss of my dad when I was 21, the pain of a life threatening car crash and the years of rehab to follow, fearing the worst for my children, all stand aside to the pain I felt today. This post made me smile thru the tears, and I want to thank the OP.
     
    11-23-2012, 07:01 PM
  #20
Foal
Tears rolling and nose dripping hilarious!
     

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