Husband under the table
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he did not. He just walked in the door."
On the first working day of the New Year, Peter told his friend Paul, "You won't believe me. I participated the New Year's Eve party at John's. And there I recognized that they have a golden toilet!"
"No, I don't believe that," answered Paul. "John likes to act like a rich man, but he couldn't afford a golden toilet."
Peter said, "Why don't we stop by his home after work so you can see for yourself?"
After work they went to John's home and rang the doorbell. Mary, John's wife, answered the door.
Peter said, "Hi Mary, Paul doesn't believe you have a golden toilet. Could we come in so that he can see it himself?"
Mary turned around, and shouted into the house, "John! We know now who shat into your tuba on New Year's Eve!"
Just three words
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude as to stare, the young man whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
Computers do have a gender
Top five reasons why computers must be female
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or file name," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
In the interest of gender equality...
Top five reasons why computers must be male
5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already got so much invested in the darn thing that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.
This is a good one too. I just think I can't copy it so you see it here: Forward Jokes! - Cows