Husband under the table and other jokes.
 
 

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Husband under the table and other jokes.

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  • What are under the table jokes
  • Under the table husband

 
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    08-19-2009, 01:42 PM
  #1
Super Moderator
Husband under the table and other jokes.

Husband under the table

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he did not. He just walked in the door."

---

Golden toilet

On the first working day of the New Year, Peter told his friend Paul, "You won't believe me. I participated the New Year's Eve party at John's. And there I recognized that they have a golden toilet!"

"No, I don't believe that," answered Paul. "John likes to act like a rich man, but he couldn't afford a golden toilet."

Peter said, "Why don't we stop by his home after work so you can see for yourself?"

After work they went to John's home and rang the doorbell. Mary, John's wife, answered the door.

Peter said, "Hi Mary, Paul doesn't believe you have a golden toilet. Could we come in so that he can see it himself?"

Mary turned around, and shouted into the house, "John! We know now who shat into your tuba on New Year's Eve!"

---

Just three words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude as to stare, the young man whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

---

Computers do have a gender

Top five reasons why computers must be female

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or file name," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In the interest of gender equality...

Top five reasons why computers must be male

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already got so much invested in the darn thing that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

---

This is a good one too. I just think I can't copy it so you see it here: Forward Jokes! - Cows
     
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    08-20-2009, 01:10 AM
  #2
Foal
Haha, the last three were great.
     
    08-20-2009, 07:30 AM
  #3
Super Moderator
Ok, some more...:

Pregnancy Q & A:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

---

Haiku error messages:

Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Wind catches lily
Scatt'ring petals to the wind:
Segmentation fault.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Endless others exist.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

---

Life in Prison vs. A Full Time Job:

N prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8'x10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6'x8' cubicle.

In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prision they can work out, read books, and play vollyball in the yard much of the day, for free, then relax in their cell.
At work, I don't have any time on my break to go to the library or gym.

In prison they get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.

At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard would lock and unlock all the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work I'm just ball and chained.

In prison they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work I get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from my salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison they get their own toilet.
At work I have to share.

In prison they spend most of their lifes looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work I spend most of your time wanting to get out and... hey, where did those bars on the widows come from?

In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.

In prison they allow their family and friends to visit.
At work I can't even speak to my family and friends.
     
    08-20-2009, 11:39 PM
  #4
Chat Moderator
Lmao anf Rofl
     
    08-21-2009, 11:39 AM
  #5
Banned
Lmao!!!
     
    08-21-2009, 07:13 PM
  #6
Green Broke
LMBO I really like the first one. So true. LOL
     

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