08-26-2009, 11:00 AM
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New Year's Resolutions for Horses
New Year's Resolutions for Horses
Equine High School Cliques:
- I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
- I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
- I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
- My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
- I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
- I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
- I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
- I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
- I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
- I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just because it is there.
- I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
- I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
- I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
- I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
- I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
- I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
- I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
- I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
- I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
- I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
- I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
- I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
- I accept that not every carrot is for me.
- I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
- I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
- I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
- I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
- I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
- I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
- Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts....yeah, jocks allright!
- Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.
- Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.
- Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
- Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow .... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
- Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humour, and the world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub, entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.
- Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
- Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
- Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
- Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).
- Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
- Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
- Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun!