rules - both sides

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rules - both sides

This is a discussion on rules - both sides within the Jokes and Funnies forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

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        10-31-2008, 06:06 AM
    rules - both sides

    The Man's Rules

    • Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
    • Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
    • Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    • Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
    • Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    • Crying is blackmail.
    • Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
    • We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
    • Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
    • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    • A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    • Check your oil! Please.
    • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
    • If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    • If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
    • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    • You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    • Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
    • The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
    • ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    • If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
    • We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
    • If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    • If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
    • Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
    • You have enough clothes.
    • You have too many shoes.
    • It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
    • BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
    • Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
    • I am in shape. ROUND is a shape

    The Woman's Rules

    • The female always makes The Rules.
    • The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
    • No male can possibly know all The Rules.
    • If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
    • The female is never wrong.
    • If the female appears to be wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
    • If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
    • The female may change her mind at any time.
    • The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
    • The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
    • The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
    • The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
    • The male is expected to mind read at all times.
    • The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
    • Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
    • If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
    • The female is ready when she is ready.
    • The male must be ready at all times.
    another womens rules just coz I can ;)

    A Woman's 50 Rules for Men

    1. Call.
    2. Don't lie.
    3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
    4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
    5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
    6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
    7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
    8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
    9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
    10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
    11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
    12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
    13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
    14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
    15. Her cooking is excellent.
    16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
    17. Dishsoap is your friend.
    18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
    19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
    20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
    21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
    22. Two words: clean socks.
    23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
    24. Burping is not sexy.
    25. You're wrong.
    26. You're sorry.
    27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
    28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
    29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
    30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
    31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
    32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
    33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
    34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
    35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
    36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
    37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
    38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
    39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
    40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
    41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
    42. Think boxers.
    43. Silk boxers.
    44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
    45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
    46. Her haircut is never bad.
    47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
    48. Call.
    49. Don't lie.
    50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
    Sponsored Links
        10-31-2008, 09:24 PM
    Another good one , how come the man always seems to
    Lose in the end though?

    What would women do without us? You would not have any one
    To make fun of.
        11-02-2008, 12:18 AM
    Yearling got that one right regal
        11-04-2008, 07:33 AM

    How many women here loved the tv show "Married,,,with Children .?
        11-06-2008, 08:16 AM
    LOL All true!!

    Regal I liked that show but haven't seen it in ages!!!
        11-06-2008, 04:09 PM
    Gotta love it!
        11-06-2008, 04:14 PM
    Amazing! Very good sharing
        11-06-2008, 04:29 PM
    Originally Posted by crackrider    
    LOL All true!!

    Regal I liked that show but haven't seen it in ages!!!
    you can watch short videos of "married .. with children on utube.

    Now I can relate to the character of AL. As sometimes I watch the
    Reruns and say to myself , Yep, that's me.

    Now how many of you gals would say your BF spouce or partner
    Could fit into those roles???

    Or even yourself with the Peggy character.

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