FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
Southerners know their summer weather report:
Humidity, Humidity, Humidity
Southerners know their vacation spots:
The beach, The Rivuh, The crick
Southerners know everybody's first name:
Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes, Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias, Gone With The Wind
Southern Comfort, Ole Yellar
Southerners know their religions:
Bapdiss, Methdiss, Football
Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn, S'vanah, Foat Wuth
N'awlins, Addlanna, Fate'ville
Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform, Men in tuxedos, Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall, The Country Club, The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails, Having bad manners, Cooking food badly
Only a Southerner knows the difference between
a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you
don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many
fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is,
as in:"Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that
"Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis,
they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
Only Southerners grow upknowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece."They also know that" just down the road" can be a mile or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as
a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines,
... and when we're "in line, ... we talk to everybody!
In the South, y'all is singular,
Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Tabasco,
and fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin',"
you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it --
we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.
You just say, "Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff... bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah!
There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north and nobody would buy the magazine!
If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.