Yep - that's what I have to keep saying to myself whenever I get negative thoughts about doing it.....why one might ask?
Well, most of you know, while others may not - a while ago I had an accident while schooling with an old coach of mine, the day before an HT we were signed up to do.
My Coach had us going over an oxer, in a large circle and everytime we would ride it, my coach would raise it. I cannot remember what height we started, but it was supposed to stop at 2'11", because we were just brushing over everything to be prepared for the HT.
Anyways, the last time I went over it, my coach raised it again without saying anything, and told us to continue and ride it once more. As I was approaching the fence for the last time, I committed the #1 cardinal rule - I stared at the blasted thing.
"Man, that looks bigger than 2'11" "yeah, yeah...that's much bigger than what I should be doing" "why is that bigger?" and that's how it was as we got closer and closer to the fence. I stopped riding, I froze and became a passanger instead of the pilot.
Nelson stopped, and I flew over him and smashed face first into the oxer. Ending up on the other side, with blood coming from somewhere. I thought it was my nose, since I went face first, but we soon discoverd the blood was coming from my right arm - low and behold, there was a blasted rusty metal jump cup embedded in my arm.
So, since that day, I allowed fear to overcome me. I made up excuses to not jump, and would focus alot on dressage or CC. I would far rather do anything, other than go over a stadium fence.
My sub concious soon learnt that stadium was scarey, and the jumps became unnatural to me, uninviting, and just plane scarey. Someone could set a fence to 2'6", and in my eye, I would see it as this huge 3'0"+ beast.
I was at the point where I was just going to go to a hypnotist to get over this rediculous and perposterous fear that I have seemed to allow to come over me.
Anyways, my now Coach, is a Psychologist and she's been working hard with me to overcome my stupid fear of stadium. Teaching me to reteach my subconsious that jumping isn't dangerous and isn't scarey and it is simple and easy peasy to do.
I have had to make Positive Affermations on recepie cards, that I have to read every day and I've been reading Jane S.'s articles on FB and in the Practicle Horseman and have been making baby steps. SOOOO Friday, was my first official private Jumping Lesson with my Coach, and it was rough, but I conqoured, I overcame and I faced my fears head on. It was a horrible day though - VERY windy. Nelson was being a total and complete DINK. He was rearing, bolting, spooking, bucking and we did a couple of "airs above the ground". I ended up putting my elevator bit in his mouth. So, we started with alot of small fences. And when I got comfortable and more relaxed, my Coach started to raise them. The first attempt through the "bigger" fences, I went back to my old ways. Picked up my hands super high, got behind the verticle and froze. I held onto him and wouldn't let him do his job.
Then we had our 2nd attempt after the big flub on the frist round.
So then my Coach felt that we did better, and she raised the last 2 fences to Novice height. The last fence was max N and I actually did it!
I know I don't look pretty, and I know my form has gone to pot - but right now, my Coach wants to focus on me over coming my fear before we move on.
TA DA! Whatcha think? This was a pretty big step for me!