All About Indie -- Progress Journal - Page 38
 
 

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All About Indie -- Progress Journal

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        09-08-2013, 11:21 AM
      #371
    Green Broke
    So glad to see your update & that life is being good to you. Also happy to hear that the riding is going so well, too. Don't know what threads you follow, but I will be getting a new horse on the 17th of this month, along w/her companion donkey, Millie. I lost a lot of great sounding horses as I had two trips booked & paid for, so I didn't want to lose this mare also, so sight unseen, I bought her from her pictures on Craig's List & talking to her present owner. I'm glad I did as there was another gentleman that called on her & probably would have taken her if I hadn't whipped out my debit card. But, not a way I would tell anyone to buy a horse! I'm hoping it works for me, 50+ years of buying, & I'm just as nervous as most folks are with their first. We do have a good contract that she drew up & the Coggins & health certificate, & brand inspection will all be in order by the time I get to Utah to pick her up. Not looking forward to the drive there & back though. But, once & done-I hope you see her pictures after I get her & learn how to attach them. She's a "redhead", too!
         
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        10-08-2013, 06:50 PM
      #372
    Yearling
    Redheads are the best! I will have to find your posts about her. :)

    Update time!

    Academic-wise, everything is going superbly. I have pretty high grades in all of my classes. I've been working on scholarships and looking into universities and will hopefully be going on a few tours sometime this month. I am quickly realizing that growing up is not all it's cracked up to be and is actually really, really stressful!

    Horse-wise, I think I'm improving my riding skill and I am still enjoying my weekly lesson. Half of the reason I enjoy it so much is the people but Major helps too,

    In general though, I am not doing so well. I have felt so alone lately, and I don't even understand why. I always try my best to be nice to everyone and I've always thought I had a lot of good friends. It's just that all my friends seem to have better friends compared to me. I ate lunch by myself because all of my friends were off with their other friends downtown getting lunch. I didn't get a single invite so I just told them to have fun and headed down to the cafeteria by myself. Someone ended up coming to sit by me because "I looked lonely" and they were right. I nearly could've burst into tears because I am so tired of being ditched and being everyone's second choice... even third.

    I think this whole breakdown has been in the making for awhile but today was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I had to come here to post this because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about it. I feel like if I do talk to my friends about it, they'll just feel obligated to include me. I'd like for just once to receive an invite to go somewhere instead of inviting myself. I always make an effort to include everyone so I just don't understand why nobody returns the favour. I don't understand why I don't have anybody to ask me what's wrong either. Maybe I'm expecting too much but when someone goes from bubbly and cheerful to quiet and reserved, shouldn't someone ask what's going on with them? Maybe I'm just good with faking a smile, but I just thought maybe my friends knew me better than that.

    I get more excited for university as the days go by. I know that life is what you make of it, but I don't know where I'm going wrong.
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        10-08-2013, 08:19 PM
      #373
    Super Moderator


    For whatever reason I happened to pop in here today and I just want you to know that I can SO relate to the feeling of inviting everyone to do things...and never getting invited yourself.
    The same thing has happened to me my entire life and, at age 23, continues to happen. I don't know what to say that'll make it feel better and I don't know how to solve it either.

    The one thing I've found that makes me feel better about it is to look at how people respond to invitations or how they reciprocate our friendship, if that makes sense. I've found that if someone seems standoffish about hanging out, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't like ME.
    I've found that, for one of my closest friends, the fact that he'll ALWAYS text me back, no matter what, is much bigger than the fact that he seems to 'avoid' one on one or even group time if it doesn't have a 'real' purpose. He goes out of his way to make sure I always feel cared about, even if he doesn't really have the time. After nearly 3 years of friendship, we've gotten to the point of 'hanging out' for 5 minutes every week or so when we happen to cross paths...but getting time outside that would be unlikely. Time in the form of texts and letters though, YES.
    For another of my closest friends, she's always ready to hear it if I need someone to talk to. She'll listen to me moan about everything, then take the time to talk with me until I cheer up. She'll spend hours crafting letters and texts that she knows will cheer my heart. She knows some of my deepest hurts and loves me for it. I know I could tell her anything and she wouldn't be shocked, she'd love me more. I could invite her to do things allll day and she would never be able to do anything with me. But I know she cares.

    I only have one friend that will actually hang out with me whenever I want to hang out. But you know what? I actually sort of end up dreading spending time with her because she wants to just discuss superficial things and complain, without any kind of hope for a better future.
    I've learned to judge my friends by the effort they put into our relationship, besides the "hanging out" stuff. I learned that while hanging out is a huge deal to me, to others it's those texts, or a "hey you look lonely, can I sit with you?", or a really thoughtful post on your Facebook wall. To someone where hanging out doesn't 'matter', it doesn't even cross their mind that we might be hurt to not be invited or that we might like to be invited! Even once they know us well.

    Anyway, all I'm saying is hang in there. And take a look at the people around you. Who IS that person who came to sit with you? Who's making an effort, any effort, to be there for you? Get to know those people.
    And don't be afraid to 'invite yourself'! I mean, be polite, of course, but don't be afraid to share that you'd like to be invited. I know for myself, most of my friends know I don't like to be out late or for more than a couple of hours so they just don't invite me to go out after things. If I would like to go out, I say something like "oh hey, are you going to ___? I'd like to come along sometime!" before they go and I'll often find myself invited along.
    It seems that my introverted desire for quiet-time can't coincide with "hanging out" inside the brains of many of my friends. Therefore, it's important to let them know that I DO want to hang out sometimes.

    Hang in there. I can count on one hand the times someone, who I wanted to invite my somewhere, actually has invited me somewhere. I can't say it ever feels better to not be invited but remember to count the little things. Often the little things count for more than the big ones do.


    And sorry for how long this is. I'm overly wordy allll the time and I was hoping to make you feel less alone = so.many.words...


    I hope tomorrow is better.
         
        10-09-2013, 04:52 PM
      #374
    Green Broke
    I wish you both were closer, I've got a horse that needs a young lady to ride him...

    Consider yourselves invited....

    Seriously though, we all feel alone at times. Try to enjoy it as often we're overwhelmed and can't find a spare minute.

    As far as friends, well, I have a lot of acquaintances but only a couple of what I call shovel buddies.

    Before you ask, a shovel buddy is a friend that you could call and say something like I just killed (insert name) and they'd say something to the effect of "I'll be there in a few minutes with a shovel."

    True life long friends are a blessing from god. Like you, I wish I had more of them.

    Chin up girl, it's all good...!!!
    Wallaby likes this.
         
        10-10-2013, 12:41 PM
      #375
    Yearling
    Thanks, Wallaby and Gunslinger! It means a lot to me that you both took time out of your day to reply.

    A couple of my friends were concerned about me yesterday and ended up talking to me about it. They tried to cheer me up and came down to the cafeteria to eat with me.

    My other friends didn't even bother to ask what was wrong. Considering I was upset all day and other people asked me if I was doing better right in front of them, it bothers me that they weren't able to put two and two together. I don't think I expected them to though because they're the bigger issue. So until they feel like putting effort into the friendship, I will probably stick with the friends I mentioned in the paragraph above.
         
        10-10-2013, 03:20 PM
      #376
    Green Broke
    My high school years were pretty tough as I didn't quite fit in to any one group. Early 20's were much better.

    We all get the blues. Good times and bad times. You can't break the cycle.

    I went to the doctor a few years back after leaving a very good job and all he could do was offer me some happy pills.

    After his visit, and while waiting for some lab work, I asked a very old man sitting next to me for some advice.

    He listened patiently and then told me "Son, take a long walk every day, and go to church on Sunday, and I recon everything will be alright."

    I should have paid him instead of the doctor as that was truly some words of wisdom.

    So, my advice to you is the same. Take a good long walk and say a prayer or two while you're enjoying your walk. Move around a bit and get your blood flowing.... I know this sounds pretty simple but everything's going to be alright and I'm pretty sure you'll feel better about things in the morning.

    Now, about friends...most of them are temporary. In a few months you'll have a whole different bunch of friends. Don't worry so much about being popular. True friends will love you for who you are and in spite of yourself.
    Wallaby likes this.
         
        10-10-2013, 05:51 PM
      #377
    Yearling
    High school sucks. I felt that way throughout most of high school, a lot of university, and occasionally even now although I am 30.

    To deal with it, I almost had to figure out how to do "cognitive therapy" on myself. Meaning, instead of focusing on all the things my friends didn't invite me to or all the times they apparently chose to not hang out with me, I have to instead look at all the times (and you say yourself that those certainly happen) when people do invite me to stuff or hang out with me.

    If you look at other people's behaviour, you'll most likely see that they don't invite every single one of their mates to everything all the time. And a lot of people half-invite themselves along, or assume that they are tacitly invited, and your friends may assume that you know that you're also tacitly invited.

    I wish I could say that this kind of rationalisation always worked -- it unfortunately doesn't dispel those worries 100%, but it helps. I suppose I don't get as wildly wound up and upset about that sort of thing the way I did in high school and college.

    The other thing is that people, especially high school kids but people in general, really, are usually not as perceptive or as secure and confident as you think they are. When I was in high school, I also tried the "if I look a bit quiet and sufficiently dejected, people will ask me what's wrong" schtick. It didn't work. Not even once. People are either just oblivious and don't pick up on your hints that you're unhappy, or they find it all too awkward and don't know how to ask you what's wrong. So they don't do anything. It doesn't mean that they don't like you. It just means that if you're behaving in a slightly socially awkward way, they might not know how to respond.

    I do think these things improve as you (and your friends) get older and wiser. Hang in there. :)
    Wallaby likes this.
         
        11-23-2013, 08:29 AM
      #378
    Yearling
    I was putting off posting this, because I haven't been at a computer lately. So now is a good time to do it.

    "If tears could build a stairway,
    And memories a lane.
    I would walk right up to Heaven
    And bring you back again.

    No farewell words were spoken,
    No time to say "Goodbye".
    You were gone before I knew it,
    And only God knows why.

    My heart still aches with sadness,
    And secret tears still flow.
    What it meant to love you -
    No one can ever know.

    But now I know you want me
    To mourn for you no more;
    To remember all the happy times
    Life still has much in store.

    Since you'll never be forgotten,
    I pledge to you today~
    A hollowed place within my heart
    Is where you'll always stay."

    As of today, it has been 367 days since Indie passed on, and this poem still describes my emotions perfectly. Tears stream down my face just reading it, which is why I was putting this off until nobody was around.

    I haven't gone for a visit to her grave yet, since it's getting dark earlier and high school is keeping me so busy... but she has been making frequent visits to my thoughts.

    It's hard to believe that it's been a year already, but it's not hard to believe that I would still do nearly anything to get my Indie back. She was truly one of a kind, and I continue to love her as I did 367 days ago.
    Lexiie and Live2Ride15 like this.
         
        11-23-2013, 05:24 PM
      #379
    Green Broke
    Time passes......and yes, your poem found a tear in my eyes too....
         
        11-23-2013, 10:07 PM
      #380
    Green Broke
    Losing a beloved horse really hurts-I know you gave your heart totally-that's just what we do & losing Indie was so unexpected & traumatic. Please continue to be brave & move forward in your life. I've lost many horses & each one was special & now that I've got two more, & a donkey, I worry about their mortality. It's just part of loving them.
         

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