Amba's Journal

So, I figure I will start a journal because I used to always write down what was going on in my life. It always helped to make me feel better and helped me think things through and get a better perspective on them.

I feel like I should start with some background (since other people might end up reading this I suppose it might be helpful) but right now I don't feel up to it. I don't feel up too much. I'm considering skipping my next class and emailing the barn to tell them I won't be in today. I've been feeling crappy for about a month. It had been getting better over the past couple of days and yesterday I felt great. I was hoping that whatever was making me feel crappy had finally passed. Then I woke up this morning and it's as bad as it's ever been. Worse even. A headache has been added to the mix. Luckily I go to the doctors tomorrow.

Now all that's left to worry about is class and riding. I told the BO I would be out to ride today, Wed, and Thurs after missing most of last week. I feel bad emailing again to say I won't be out today but I really don't think I should ride feeling to way I do. But I need to exercise. I've been lazy the past couple of days and haven't done anything. Between riding, my 2 mile bike rides, and my weight training class I had been doing so well. But I've just crapped out the last 2 days. Ironic, considering I was finally feeling good. Skipping class wouldn't be so bad. I could stop by and pick up what I need to do some work at home. I really wish I could skip the rest of this class considering I learned all of this stuff last semester.

Sad that my first entry is about how bad I feel. I hate being sick. We're pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant, which would majorly suck since I drink milk all the time and almost everything I eat has cheese in it. I guess we'll know for sure tomorrow. My background entry will probably be a novel. I tend to write a lot when it's just about me and not any specific thing or to a specific person. So if anyone actually reads all of this I will be impressed.

-Allie

So I skipped my last class of the day and went home and slept for 5 hours. I'm still exhausted and I still feel like crap. I think I will be going to bed early. I'm hope the doctor figures out what's wrong because I really want to ride.

I've got another barn to go look at to see if I want to be a working student there. I really hope this one works out because I'm really running out of options. They say the third times the charm so *fingers crossed*. I need to send them another email to tell them the hours I'm avalible to work. I'm not sure what to tell them because I applied for a job a few days ago. I don't even know if I will get called in for an interview but with my luck I'll get all of my riding times worked out and then have to change everything around because I got the job. Here's hoping everything works out.

Health update: My doctor gave me a list of things he thinks might be wrong with me. First on the list was gallstones so I got an ultrasound on Friday. If that comes back clean then I move on to taking pills for lactose intolerance and see if that works.

Riding/Old barn update: I rode on Wednesday and I think it went well. A man was watching me for a little bit and he said I was doing things too correctly to be a beginner. Not sure what that meant but I suppose it was a good thing. I was annoyed once again with the state of the barn. When I got there the only person around was the one guy who works there who barely speaks any english. I asked if the owner was around and through the use of various hand gestures he was able to tell me she was asleep in the house. The list that tells me who I'm supposed to ride was a list from Tuesday but since I told her I would only be in on Wednesday I didn't know if I was supposed to assume those were the horses I was supposed to ride. I ended up calling my mom for advice because I really couldn't figure out what to do. She told me to ride the horses on Tuesdays list. No one ever told me all of the horses names or which ones are which so I was faced with trying to somehow figure out which horses were the ones I was supposed to ride. None of the stalls have names on them and there are a bunch of horses that live in the field so I had no idea who was who. Luckily just saying the horses name to the guy who works there got the message across and he went and caught the horse for me. Then I realized I was never told which saddle to use on which horses. The first time I rode there the owner pointed out one saddle and told me it could be used on three of the horses. The horse I was riding wasn't one of them though. I couldn't find another adult size saddle either. (Since the bulk of her business is summer camp all of the saddles are for small children). So I didn't know which saddle to use and I could even find another one that I could fit in so I went with the one I had used before. I will admit I know next to nothing about how saddles are supposed to fit so even though it looked ok I felt awful the whole time wondering if the saddle was hurting him. He didn't seem bothered by it so I hope it was ok.

Anyway, I got on and did w,t,c in both directions. It was basically my first canter since I started riding again (I cantered the first time I rode but I almost fell off so I thought I'd wait till I got some muscle and balance back before trying again) and it went well. After the ride I cooled him down and went to go try and ask the guy where to put the horse. I basically just ended up pointing at the horses and saying where. He took the horse and put him back in the crossties and just left him there and went off to do something else.

I am so fed up with this place. How are you going to just let people you don't really know come ride your horses and just do whatever when the only person there keeping an eye on things doesn't even speak the same language as the people coming to ride? How are people supposed to get help with things when no one is around to ask? If you're going to run things like that you should at least give new people a very thorough tour so they know everything they need to know before you leave them to fend for themselves. I'm torn between wanting to keep going because I get to ride every time I go and stopping because everything else sucks. I really don't know what to do about this place.

New barn update: I have had two training sessions at this new barn and it is so well organized. I love it. They have morning and evening shifts that you get points for doing and then you can get extra points for doing stalls. They have a book where you keep track of how many points you've earned and how many points you've used (for lessons, board, etc). It's just so well done it's a wonderful change from the other barn. Plus the point system is based on the work you do and not how long it takes you which I like better. So I've done my training so now I'm just waiting for the manager to call and tell me which shifts are available. I really like this new barn much better than the other one.

So I don't have gallstones and I'm pretty sure I'm not lactose intolerant. I've been taking the pills for almost a week and I still feel the same. Next I'm supposed to do 'a trial of Pepto Bismol'. What the hell does that mean?? Am I just supposed to chug the stuff constantly? And if it helps what does that mean I have? That doesn't tell me what's causing all this. I'm getting really frustrated with this. I've been feeling nauseous for almost 3 months straight and been dealing with stomach pain that randomly comes and goes and varies in location and severity. How the hell is a trial of pepto supposed to help that?!?! I'm tempted to skip straight to the antibiotic he prescribed me but when I go back in October, if I still don't feel well it would probably be to my benefit to tell him I tried everything he said.
I can't ride like this. I can't plan far enough ahead because I never know how I'm going to feel. So I can't say I'm going to come out and ride because I might end up feeling like crap and not be able to show up. It's so random I never know how I'll feel as the day goes on. It's screwing up school to. I'm trying really hard not to miss class but I feel so bad sometimes I just need to go home and lie down. And since this has been going on for months I try to save my sick days for the days when I feel the worst. But I can't tell when that is. I mean I may feel terrible one day but how do I know if I won't feel twice as bad the next? And I'm only allowed to miss a certain number of classes. So I really should save them for when I feel the absolute worst.

I haven't gotten scheduled for working at the new barn yet. I missed the call from the manager so she left a message. Then I called and left her a message... Hopefully this doesn't turn into a game of phone tag. I hate making phone calls. In her message she told me what was available and I did the math. I think I could actually work enough to afford board. That's only if they let me have all the days they said they have available. I don't want to take all of them if someone else needs to work. But if I could have all of them I think I could afford their board plus have enough to take lessons. I want my own horse again so badly. I hate myself for selling my girl. I wish I had thought to just lease her to someone and I can't figure out for the life of me why I didn't do that instead. But now it's too late. I can't actually afford to buy a horse. My parents could. My birthday is coming up. They like to do a lot of presents for the bigger birthdays. I'm going to be 21. I keep thinking that since I would be "paying" the board that maybe I could ask for a horse. But my birthday is only a month away. That's not a lot of time to convince them on this and find a horse. And since I'm afraid to even bring it up... Plus if I want to go away for college next semester I probably shouldn't ask for a horse. Even though I could bring the horse with me since I'd be doing equine studies. But I wouldn't be able to work off the board then so they'd have to pay it. I can't ask them to do that. I guess this is all just a dream and the best I can hope for is to find a horse for free lease.

So, my life is very boring and uneventful. I've worked one day at the new barn. It was a typical first day, as in everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Ponies escaped. Twisted my ankle twice. Caught my finger in one of the stall latches. Was raining off and on while I brought the horses in. They'd switched the scheduel for fall/winter so everything was backwards from when I trained. *sigh* I had to skip this week due to the fact that I am still sick. I'm taking antibiotics now because it might be an infection. The antibiotics are really strong (used to treat anthrax!!!) so they knock me out. Being half asleep and really out of it while trying to work with horses just seemed like a bad idea so I took off. Sadly the antibiotics have made me feel worse,probably because all of the side effects are things that were already wrong with me :( I will be done taking them tomorrow but I doubt this has done the trick. I still feel the same as I've been feeling. What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!

I'm sitting in my digital photography class. I have no idea what the hell the teacher just said. He's telling us what our next assignment is. Probably should be paying attention. I think he just said we need to have 5 self portraits... I only have one... and this is due next week... Should probably try and figure out what that's about.

I really hope it warms up before I have to go to the barn. This is only going to be my second time working there and I would really love for it to be warmish. I hate the cold. It's been freezing in the mornings but yesterday afternoon it warmed up, so hopefully that will happen again today. I also really hope today goes batter than the last time. No escaped ponies (or horses), no twisted ankles, no mashed fingers. Hopefully no other problems or bodily injuries. *Fingers crossed* And maybe one of these days I'll actually get to ride again. That would be nice.

I think I'm actually getting worse health wise. The nausea was actually doing better a week ago but now it's worse than ever. I can't afford to miss anymore school. I finished taking the antibiotics so apparently it wasn't an infection. Plus I now have to be on the look out for all the lovely side effects which can show up for up to a month after you stop taking the meds. Back to the doctor on the 20th.

I am going to visit a college on Saturday. They're having an Equine open house. I don't really have high hopes for this place though. It's basically an all women college, and while I'm not boy crazy or anything I've never liked the idea of being in a place that is all girls. Too much drama. So we'll see how that goes. Once my mom finds out its all women she'll probably be all for me going. She is not at all into the idea of me leaving at the moment and she keeps coming up with reasons to try to get me to stay. But she always said she wished she'd sent me and my sister to all girls schools.

All in all I'm not happy right now. I feel like I'm doing a ton of work and getting nothing for it. There's nothing in my life that I enjoy; just all these things I know I would enjoy, but can't have because there's still more work to do before I'm even close.

So the college was ok. The campus was nice and it's a small school, which I prefer. But the riding wasn't that great. So we'll see how it compares to the other schools I'm going to be looking at. I don't know when I'll be visiting the other places yet. My sister doesn't like going to visit during open houses. I kind of agree since almost all of that stuff is geared towards high school students. I got so good info but a lot of the stuff they talked about did apply to me because I'd be a transfer. Anyway, even though I'd love to transfer as soon as possible, I think I'll be waiting for next fall.

My mom is attempting to bribe me to stay with riding lessons. She thinks the only reason I want to go is so I can ride. So she told me she wanted me to start taking lessons again, maybe take an online course and then see if I was still interested I going. Ok, why does she think I'm working at the barn?!?! Because I love running around in the cold and rain catching horses and emptying water buckets?? So I can get riding lessons!!! But from that conversation I got the impression that she would be paying for them... so we'll see. If she started paying for lessons that means I could start getting 2 lessons a week with my working there. That would be awesome.

It's been far too cold and wet lately. Supposedly it's going to get warm again. I really hope so because I need to finish the Halloween decorations and there's no way I'm doing that in this weather. Plus my birthday is coming up and it would be really sucky if it was all nasty outside like it's been. But with a birthday in late October the weather is always going to be iffy. At least I'll have a nice dinner and some yummy cake. And hopefully a new laptop since mine met its untimely demise a few months ago.

If you think noones reaading this , I amm (:

Thanks! I hope I'm not boring you lol.

So, I'm still sick. Bleh. Went to the doctor again and he said they could do more tests but if I'm not too bothered by my symptoms then I should just deal with it (didn't word it like that, but that was the basic idea) because he doesn't think it's anything that's dangerous to my health. But seriously, who wouldn't be bothered by abdominal pain and almost constant nausea? I can't function right like this. It's exhausting me. Of course I'm going to want more tests. This has been going on for 4 months with no sign of letting up, so yeah, I'd like to know what's going on and how to stop it. Of course that means that they are probably going to stick a tube up my nose and down my throat so that they can see inside my stomach. Can't say I'm looking forward to that. But if it will finally tell me what is going on and let them fix it then I'll do it. It's so frustrating to have been like this for so long and they still don't know what it is. And my next appointment isn't until November 10th.

Working at the barn is getting a little easier. It still takes me longer than I'd like but hopefully I'll get better the more I do it. It's hard being sick; I get tired more easily. And lifting water buckets really bothers my stomach, which is just weird. Whatever is wrong with me is making my stomach really gurgly (can't think of a better word for it) and when I lift a water bucket it gurgles a whole lot more. It's really uncomfortable.

Hopefully I'll get to start riding soon. I've worked enough to start I think. I guess I'll have to talk to someone about that.