Attempted Suicide, and picking up the pieces- - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Attempted Suicide, and picking up the pieces-

So, I tried to commit suicide last week. I am not looking for attention by creating this post. I am looking for support and people who are willing to listen.

I wasn't trying to hurt anyone but myself. I see now that it doesn't quite work that way. Everyone is hurting and is angry with me and I don't quite know where to start to heal. I am trying to reach out and apologize and ask for forgiveness, but I am getting a negative response. Which I understand. Its just making it harder to start to forgive myself and move on and get better.

I am trying to do the things that make me feel better- spending time at the barn, exercising, painting, spending time with my daughter, reading. I like time alone.

My fiancÚ is really hurt and really angry. She doesn't know if she wants to be with me because of this. So that is really hard. I am trying to get better for me, because I want to feel better. But it's really hard knowing that tomorrow I might get my heartbroken...

I don't know where to start. I want to get better. I want to feel better. I want to help the people I hurt, heal. I want to make it all better.

"The barn taught me passion... Not the passion of winning-but rather the passion that you feel when you have nothing left but your love of something. The passion that is there when exhaustion steals your strength and frustration takes your hope."
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post #2 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 12:10 PM
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I wish I had advise for you... Have you seen a counselor or therapist? Might help a lot and they can help your family too. Focus and your daughter and if your fiance leaves then let it be because you deserve better. "Through sickness and health" is part of marriage so if she can't stick this out then it wasn't meant to be. I do genuinely hope you guys work through it though and use it to make your relationship stronger. Best of luck hun! Sending prayers your way for strength and healing <3
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post #3 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 12:12 PM
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I think professional help is the best advise anyone can give.
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post #4 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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I am seeing 2 different therapists starting this week. I have been trying for the last 2 months to get in to see someone, and everywhere I went I was told there was a wait list and that they weren't accepting new patients. I tried to get help for a long time before this happened. I felt like I had nothing left.

I do have a good support group now. Professional help will definitely be key to getting better. I just wish I could stop my heart from aching so much.

"The barn taught me passion... Not the passion of winning-but rather the passion that you feel when you have nothing left but your love of something. The passion that is there when exhaustion steals your strength and frustration takes your hope."
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post #5 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 12:37 PM
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It takes time. With help and support you will heal. Sadly most mental health programs are lacking and too many people get lost in the cracks. Don't ever stop asking for help though. I know its tough. I self harmed in my late teens and early 20s so I have some experience in your situation. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. And as hard as it just keep thinking positive. Think about your beautiful daughter, the joy from being at the barn, etc. Staying active really helps my mental health because I don't have time to sit and dwell. Wishing you a fast and easy recovery even though it rarely is. Depression is a life long battle but it can be beat. Keep looking up hun!
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post #6 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 01:14 PM
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Sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree, that professional help is your only option. I would assume that having made an attempt on your life, you would be bumped up to getting more attention, since it is obvious that you are reallly hurting. only a person with a severe form of depression would consider committing suicide when they have a daughter to bring forward in the world.
that alone keeps most people here, in this world, struggling day to day with whatever woes they have. So, do not brush it off and go all, "I'm sorry". that is not going to change anything.
push until you get the help you need, and do not avoid medications, since they can make a huge difference in the quality of life.
I have a lot of depression in my family, with one brother successfully taking his life. I know how angry that can make the survivors. you can't be upset at them for their reactions. you must do what you must do for yourself.
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post #7 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks, Tiny. I am not upset at their reactions. I understand them. It just makes it harder for me, that's all. I know I hurt a lot of people, and I know that they have every right to be angry with me. That doesn't mean that it's easy for me to deal with or process.

I am taking this one day at a time... I am seeing two therapists this week, and I have worked on setting some boundaries with the people around me so I can try to prevent myself from being in a situation where I think I have no other way out. I think today I am thinking more clearly, and that alone makes a difference. Baby steps.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Thank you Country for the support. I might take you up on that offer.

"The barn taught me passion... Not the passion of winning-but rather the passion that you feel when you have nothing left but your love of something. The passion that is there when exhaustion steals your strength and frustration takes your hope."
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post #8 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 02:22 PM
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I would advise going to an emergency room and tell them you have attempted suicide very recently or if you feel suicidal again I strongly suggest this.
YOUR worthy of a long and happy life.
Do NOT wait until you feel so desperate you make another attempt.
This will get you seen by a mental health professional or even admitted into an inpatient program. IMPO an inpatient program is best to stabilize your moods and to adjust to any medications you might be prescribed.
I cannot diagnosis you . I can give you advice.
PM me if you want to discuss anything. What we discuss will remain confidential I assure you.
There is hope and happiness in your future if you work to achieve it. It will not be easy and whatever is troubling you did not occur overnight. There are no easy answers and treatment might be difficult.
Never think your life is useless and never think you are alone. Shalom Donald
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post #9 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 02:31 PM
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Strawberry - we are here for you. I also sent you a pm. I had no idea you were struggeling. Please, please go to the emergency room if you feel like you might hurt yourself again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Huggs.
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post #10 of 69 Old 06-30-2014, 02:47 PM
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What is it that's bothering you? Why do you feel like you don't want to live anymore?

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
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