I pretty much forgot about this thread, but I was just about to start blowing off steam in a new thread and I remembered this old thing. I guess I might as well post it here, considering that this post is going to be for no reason other than just getting it all out. Doesn't really matter if anyone sees it or not, I just have so much on my mind.
My family is driving me crazy. Not in a "I'm leaving home because they're just so stupid" typical teenager way, but in a "I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now" way.
I guess in some ways I can't blame them, and maybe I'm blowing everything out of proportion, but its still bothering me. I seriously don't know what I'm getting at here, but I guess I'm just saying that I'm trying desperately to understand them but I just can't. And I almost feel like I might as well stop trying.
My sister is the biggest thing eating at me right now. She's 15...a little more than 2 1/2 years younger than me, and she's the middle sibling between myself (18 in December) and my little brother (11 next month)...and I understand that being the middle child is tough. I do. Or at least...I really, really try to. I know a lot of middle children feel left out or forgotten because the parents pay more attention to the others, and she apparently feels the same way, but she ISN'T forgotten. If anything, she gets more attention than either of us other two...and she gets a heck of a lot more than I do.
She's a little bit on the slower side when it comes to school (she was held back a grade and struggles in all subjects) much like me, and she does have mild ADD, but is the opposite of me when it comes to ...coping I guess?. I'm dyslexic/dyscalculate as most of you know, but I've never felt like those lables defined me, you know? They were and are just little humps in the road that can be overcome. With her though, they consume her. Its almost like she WANTS them to define her, to give her an excuse to do poorly. Every one has always tried to build her up and make her realize that labels mean nothing, but she insists that she's stupid and should never even try because she's ADD/bad at everything. And she just doesn't try.
This past year, she's made a drastic personality change. A few years ago she was bullied a little (calling her names, ditching her, etc) by some girls in our area, and I guess she took it to heart and never let it go. She just let it build up and build up and build up until it consumed her and she became a very bitter person. Now she, according to her, trusts no one, thinks everyone hates her, and thinks her life is worthless. This bullying was years ago and my family dealt with it and we make sure people don't do wrong by her because she IS vulnerable...its just how she is. But she just won't let it go. And its almost like she takes little scenarios and creates them to be these horrific incidences that will scar her for life, and she BELIEVES them. For example, (and this is an event I witnessed, so I know what actually happened), a friend of ours was in a private conversation with another person and she was listening in...they were talking about how he liked a 'certain girl' and the person asked who. He replied he didn't want to say with other people (my sister presumably) listening because he didn't trust rumors not to start, and my sister just...unraveled. Started screaming and yelling at him about how she couldn't believe he didn't trust her, how she hated him, how he was being unfair and she'd never talk to him again... and hasn't spoken to him since. He tried apologizing to her (he really is a sweet guy, but rumors HAVE been started about him before so I cant really blame him for being protective) and she wouldn't even acknowledge him, and its really upsetting him. Yet later she came to me looking for sympathy and saying how she couldn't believe he wasn't sorry, and how she hated guys like him.
I see things the way they are. I realized she was just as much in the wrong as him. I was kind about it, but I reminded her that he DID try to say sorry, and that she ought to forgive him for both of their peace of mind. I told her guys make mistakes, but so do we, and that its just not worth it to hold grudges. And she seemed receptive, but the next day she told at least 5 close friends of his and hers what a jerk he is, and basically trashed his reputation. THAT I called her out on, because that is just cruel. Its the same thing that she didn't want done to her...so why should she do it? And her reply was that she hates me, doesn't see why I always have to make things her fault, and never wants my advice again. Then she started bawling and my parents stepped in and told me I need to shape up and be the big sister she needs.
And this is repeated. Over, and over, and over. Its always the same. She gets herself into a situation that I could have perceived before it even happened, she comes asking me for advice, then she blows up at me, tells me she hates me and I just 'Don't get it' (when in reality I DO, I dealt with the same things...bullying and feeling worthless anyways... as she does at her age), then trash talks me to her friends.
Then she makes up scenarios that didn't happened. I overheard her telling her guy friend just last night that she just can't stand me, wishes she would die, and that I'm always asking her "(insert name) why are you always so DUMB/BROKEN? Why do you have to be like this?" But I swear to you all...and if you know me at all even on here, you should realize...I would never say something like that. I desperately want to help her, but she won't let me.
And lately she has started doing drastic things like trying to cut herself. It all boils down to the fact that she is an attention hog (and I don't mean that as a way of bad mouthing her...she's just...a needy type, I guess) and always feels like she needs to be the center of attention. My mom got her a therapist and spends more time accommodating her and 'loving on her' than she ever did with me, yet she insists on more. Insists she gets nothing. Insists her life is hell. Insists that I don't love her, and that they love me more.
I don't know if this is because of my health problems? My health and doctors bills have caused financial stress for our family, so I try to be tough and ignore many of them...and I work as much as I can to help with bills, but I know she wants braces (she has buck teeth like I did) and because of me she hasn't gotten them yet. Maybe she feels like if there is something wrong with her my parents will do something? But I don't know what she expects them to do. My mom is already doing a lot for her. I'm trying to help her. She just doesn't want that BRAND of help I guess. Its gotten to where she makes up scenarios to our friends...sob stories about her own health and how she wants to kill herself, and how she has flash backs of this and that...then tells them we just don't understand. She outright blamed my mom for absolutely everything in her life even though my mom tries SO HARD for her, and made her cry yesterday. She calls friends and says we're abusing her. Then friends come to us and demand to know why we don't care about her, why we don't realize she's hurting.... and its just so...frustrating.
Then there is my little brother. He is...well, a brat. And he infuriates me. He feels entitled to everything because he has been given everything he wants/needs easily since he's the baby, and he absolutely loves to argue, whine, and blame other people. He has no problem blaming other people for EVERYTHING and I've never heard 'sorry' come out of his mouth unless he was trying to win back privileges that were taken away. He's ungrateful, he throws tantrums on the floor even though he's almost 11 if he doesn't get his way. He walks all over my mom. He calls her stupid, he says she hates him and he hates her, he screams that she's not fair. Every single day. I can't stand to see him to that to my mom. My mom is a wonderful person, but she takes this crap from my entire family. My sister, my dad (next story..ha...), and him. And it eats her up. She got this from her parents and siblings too, and I feel like I need to protect her I guess. So I stand up for her. I call him out on it and try to explain nicely that he is treating mom wrongly, and that he should stop, and he tells me to get out of his business and that he doesn't see why I'm so mean, and that its all my fault...again. My fault. Sure.
More than that, he's a liar. He'll lie about anything to get out of trouble, and won't feel remorse. In his mind he can do no wrong. I know it isn't my place to 'parent' him, but my mom is just so exhausted by him that she's given up, and I feel like his parent instead of her. I don't punish him of course, because that's not my job, but I tell him to back off when he's verbally 'beating' my mom. But it doesn't work. My mom needs an ally, and all she has is me, but he doesn't listen to her either. Sometimes he scares me. Right now I'm bigger and stronger than he is, but if he doesn't shape up soon I'm terrified that he'll become abusive. I don't want that. I love him, but like I said, he's infuriated. There is no winning with him. And I know that he hates that I or my mom constantly get onto him, but what can we do? I try to compliment him when he's doing the right thing, but then he just replies with "Yeah, I'm better than you are." type words. Its worthless.
And lastly...my dad. I don't even know what to say about him. He isn't necessarily a bad father, honest. And I know I'm very, very lucky to have a dad that IS still with my mom, and who provides for our family. But honestly, he does nothing more than that. Its like he's here, but he really isn't. He works all day, comes home (very late sometimes), and watches TV or gets on his computer, then leaves again early in the morning. If we try to talk to him, he ignores us. If my mom asks for help reprimanding my brother or sister, he blames it on her. He curses and yells and makes her cry, then he's quiet again. He's an angry man, and I don't know why. I guess its just how he was brought up to be (raised by his dad with three brothers, mom pretty much disappeared for years) but he scares me too. There have been a few times he has left for a week at a time over something silly, and blamed us for it. Actually...he and my brother are identical, and that terrifies me. He doesn't reprimand my brother because he knows he does the same things my brother does. He just sits there and lets my mom take the brunt of it all.
Wow...this is long. I doubt anyone is reading this still, but that's ok. You might be crazy if you have read this far into my problems. I've just never written it all out now and I guess its just built up so much that its pouring out like a volcano now. haha. I hope I don't sound ungrateful or conceited when I write all of this... I realize I have my problems. Sometimes I'm rude to my parents, sometimes I blame them if something isn't their fault, sometimes I don't take my moms advice like I should. But at the same time I feel like there is something different about me when looking at my other two siblings. I don't know what it is though. I feel aware of suffering, aware of conflict, and I want to make things better. But they just don't care, and they hate me for it. I'm exhausted by trying to hold my family together I guess, and my family troubles are only a percentage of all of my worries.
I know many people have it so much worse than me, and I try to be grateful. I help my mom as much as I can, and I'm often the shoulder she cries on. But I feel like my family is...damaging me. I've had to become tough to deal with all of this, and almost feels like there is scar tissue around my emotions, if that's even possible. I just don't feel as much as I used to. I don't cry, I don't talk about my problems (who would I talk to anyways) unless its on here, and I try not to be a burden. I cook, I clean, I try to be a good kid. But there's only so much I can do, you know?
I don't even know what the point of this post is. Its not like there is a solution.
Everyone in your life is meant to
be in your journey, but not all of
them are meant to stay till the end.