A Dreamer's Vessel >> Kenzie && Sour - Page 9

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A Dreamer's Vessel >> Kenzie && Sour

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    09-27-2013, 05:21 PM
Teen Forum Moderator
I pretty much forgot about this thread, but I was just about to start blowing off steam in a new thread and I remembered this old thing. I guess I might as well post it here, considering that this post is going to be for no reason other than just getting it all out. Doesn't really matter if anyone sees it or not, I just have so much on my mind.

My family is driving me crazy. Not in a "I'm leaving home because they're just so stupid" typical teenager way, but in a "I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now" way.

I guess in some ways I can't blame them, and maybe I'm blowing everything out of proportion, but its still bothering me. I seriously don't know what I'm getting at here, but I guess I'm just saying that I'm trying desperately to understand them but I just can't. And I almost feel like I might as well stop trying.

My sister is the biggest thing eating at me right now. She's 15...a little more than 2 1/2 years younger than me, and she's the middle sibling between myself (18 in December) and my little brother (11 next month)...and I understand that being the middle child is tough. I do. Or at least...I really, really try to. I know a lot of middle children feel left out or forgotten because the parents pay more attention to the others, and she apparently feels the same way, but she ISN'T forgotten. If anything, she gets more attention than either of us other two...and she gets a heck of a lot more than I do.

She's a little bit on the slower side when it comes to school (she was held back a grade and struggles in all subjects) much like me, and she does have mild ADD, but is the opposite of me when it comes to ...coping I guess?. I'm dyslexic/dyscalculate as most of you know, but I've never felt like those lables defined me, you know? They were and are just little humps in the road that can be overcome. With her though, they consume her. Its almost like she WANTS them to define her, to give her an excuse to do poorly. Every one has always tried to build her up and make her realize that labels mean nothing, but she insists that she's stupid and should never even try because she's ADD/bad at everything. And she just doesn't try.

This past year, she's made a drastic personality change. A few years ago she was bullied a little (calling her names, ditching her, etc) by some girls in our area, and I guess she took it to heart and never let it go. She just let it build up and build up and build up until it consumed her and she became a very bitter person. Now she, according to her, trusts no one, thinks everyone hates her, and thinks her life is worthless. This bullying was years ago and my family dealt with it and we make sure people don't do wrong by her because she IS vulnerable...its just how she is. But she just won't let it go. And its almost like she takes little scenarios and creates them to be these horrific incidences that will scar her for life, and she BELIEVES them. For example, (and this is an event I witnessed, so I know what actually happened), a friend of ours was in a private conversation with another person and she was listening in...they were talking about how he liked a 'certain girl' and the person asked who. He replied he didn't want to say with other people (my sister presumably) listening because he didn't trust rumors not to start, and my sister just...unraveled. Started screaming and yelling at him about how she couldn't believe he didn't trust her, how she hated him, how he was being unfair and she'd never talk to him again... and hasn't spoken to him since. He tried apologizing to her (he really is a sweet guy, but rumors HAVE been started about him before so I can't really blame him for being protective) and she wouldn't even acknowledge him, and its really upsetting him. Yet later she came to me looking for sympathy and saying how she couldn't believe he wasn't sorry, and how she hated guys like him.

I see things the way they are. I realized she was just as much in the wrong as him. I was kind about it, but I reminded her that he DID try to say sorry, and that she ought to forgive him for both of their peace of mind. I told her guys make mistakes, but so do we, and that its just not worth it to hold grudges. And she seemed receptive, but the next day she told at least 5 close friends of his and hers what a jerk he is, and basically trashed his reputation. THAT I called her out on, because that is just cruel. Its the same thing that she didn't want done to her...so why should she do it? And her reply was that she hates me, doesn't see why I always have to make things her fault, and never wants my advice again. Then she started bawling and my parents stepped in and told me I need to shape up and be the big sister she needs.

And this is repeated. Over, and over, and over. Its always the same. She gets herself into a situation that I could have perceived before it even happened, she comes asking me for advice, then she blows up at me, tells me she hates me and I just 'Don't get it' (when in reality I DO, I dealt with the same things...bullying and feeling worthless anyways... as she does at her age), then trash talks me to her friends.

Then she makes up scenarios that didn't happened. I overheard her telling her guy friend just last night that she just can't stand me, wishes she would die, and that I'm always asking her "(insert name) why are you always so DUMB/BROKEN? Why do you have to be like this?" But I swear to you all...and if you know me at all even on here, you should realize...I would never say something like that. I desperately want to help her, but she won't let me.

And lately she has started doing drastic things like trying to cut herself. It all boils down to the fact that she is an attention hog (and I don't mean that as a way of bad mouthing her...she's just...a needy type, I guess) and always feels like she needs to be the center of attention. My mom got her a therapist and spends more time accommodating her and 'loving on her' than she ever did with me, yet she insists on more. Insists she gets nothing. Insists her life is hell. Insists that I don't love her, and that they love me more.

I don't know if this is because of my health problems? My health and doctors bills have caused financial stress for our family, so I try to be tough and ignore many of them...and I work as much as I can to help with bills, but I know she wants braces (she has buck teeth like I did) and because of me she hasn't gotten them yet. Maybe she feels like if there is something wrong with her my parents will do something? But I don't know what she expects them to do. My mom is already doing a lot for her. I'm trying to help her. She just doesn't want that BRAND of help I guess. Its gotten to where she makes up scenarios to our friends...sob stories about her own health and how she wants to kill herself, and how she has flash backs of this and that...then tells them we just don't understand. She outright blamed my mom for absolutely everything in her life even though my mom tries SO HARD for her, and made her cry yesterday. She calls friends and says we're abusing her. Then friends come to us and demand to know why we don't care about her, why we don't realize she's hurting.... and its just so...frustrating.

Then there is my little brother. He is...well, a brat. And he infuriates me. He feels entitled to everything because he has been given everything he wants/needs easily since he's the baby, and he absolutely loves to argue, whine, and blame other people. He has no problem blaming other people for EVERYTHING and I've never heard 'sorry' come out of his mouth unless he was trying to win back privileges that were taken away. He's ungrateful, he throws tantrums on the floor even though he's almost 11 if he doesn't get his way. He walks all over my mom. He calls her stupid, he says she hates him and he hates her, he screams that she's not fair. Every single day. I can't stand to see him to that to my mom. My mom is a wonderful person, but she takes this crap from my entire family. My sister, my dad (next story..ha...), and him. And it eats her up. She got this from her parents and siblings too, and I feel like I need to protect her I guess. So I stand up for her. I call him out on it and try to explain nicely that he is treating mom wrongly, and that he should stop, and he tells me to get out of his business and that he doesn't see why I'm so mean, and that its all my fault...again. My fault. Sure.

More than that, he's a liar. He'll lie about anything to get out of trouble, and won't feel remorse. In his mind he can do no wrong. I know it isn't my place to 'parent' him, but my mom is just so exhausted by him that she's given up, and I feel like his parent instead of her. I don't punish him of course, because that's not my job, but I tell him to back off when he's verbally 'beating' my mom. But it doesn't work. My mom needs an ally, and all she has is me, but he doesn't listen to her either. Sometimes he scares me. Right now I'm bigger and stronger than he is, but if he doesn't shape up soon I'm terrified that he'll become abusive. I don't want that. I love him, but like I said, he's infuriated. There is no winning with him. And I know that he hates that I or my mom constantly get onto him, but what can we do? I try to compliment him when he's doing the right thing, but then he just replies with "Yeah, I'm better than you are." type words. Its worthless.

And lastly...my dad. I don't even know what to say about him. He isn't necessarily a bad father, honest. And I know I'm very, very lucky to have a dad that IS still with my mom, and who provides for our family. But honestly, he does nothing more than that. Its like he's here, but he really isn't. He works all day, comes home (very late sometimes), and watches TV or gets on his computer, then leaves again early in the morning. If we try to talk to him, he ignores us. If my mom asks for help reprimanding my brother or sister, he blames it on her. He curses and yells and makes her cry, then he's quiet again. He's an angry man, and I don't know why. I guess its just how he was brought up to be (raised by his dad with three brothers, mom pretty much disappeared for years) but he scares me too. There have been a few times he has left for a week at a time over something silly, and blamed us for it. Actually...he and my brother are identical, and that terrifies me. He doesn't reprimand my brother because he knows he does the same things my brother does. He just sits there and lets my mom take the brunt of it all.

Wow...this is long. I doubt anyone is reading this still, but that's ok. You might be crazy if you have read this far into my problems. I've just never written it all out now and I guess its just built up so much that its pouring out like a volcano now. Haha. I hope I don't sound ungrateful or conceited when I write all of this... I realize I have my problems. Sometimes I'm rude to my parents, sometimes I blame them if something isn't their fault, sometimes I don't take my moms advice like I should. But at the same time I feel like there is something different about me when looking at my other two siblings. I don't know what it is though. I feel aware of suffering, aware of conflict, and I want to make things better. But they just don't care, and they hate me for it. I'm exhausted by trying to hold my family together I guess, and my family troubles are only a percentage of all of my worries.

I know many people have it so much worse than me, and I try to be grateful. I help my mom as much as I can, and I'm often the shoulder she cries on. But I feel like my family is...damaging me. I've had to become tough to deal with all of this, and almost feels like there is scar tissue around my emotions, if that's even possible. I just don't feel as much as I used to. I don't cry, I don't talk about my problems (who would I talk to anyways) unless its on here, and I try not to be a burden. I cook, I clean, I try to be a good kid. But there's only so much I can do, you know?

I don't even know what the point of this post is. Its not like there is a solution.
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    09-27-2013, 05:39 PM
Growing up is hard. Being a parent is hard. Relationships are hard.

Your sister probably needs to have her hormones checked. It sounds like they are out of whack. (Maybe you can put some "mare magic" in the casserole....)

It may be that you are getting naturally restless with your family because you are growing up. It is just natural for you to want to start to separate yourself emotionally from you family and become independent. The problem is that you are not quite far enough in life to be financially independent. You will get there.

Keep loving your family. Try not to place blame. Just accept that all families are sometimes a bit dysfunctional and keep on keeping on.

The only way to become independent is to become financially independent. You should really consider studying something that will assure that you can get a good job.

Because I teach at a college, I see what kids go through in their search for jobs.
My daughter has a degree in art and she is struggling financially. My son studied political science and philosophy. He also is having trouble getting a job.

The most money that you can make for the least amount of schooling is in nursing. Nurses get jobs and they never have to struggle financially. You can get an associate degree in nursing in less than three years.
    09-27-2013, 06:36 PM
Teen Forum Moderator
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply Celeste.

That made me laugh... maybe I SHOULD sneak some mare magic in there! LOL. I think I need to give some to myself too.

I do try not to blame them, but I know I'm guilty of doing it many times. I get frustrated enough that sometimes I just have to get out of the house, which is probably not the best response to them. I do still love them all dearly, and I always will. I just wish there was a way to fix things, but I know there isn't.

Nope, I'm definitely not financially independent yet, or anywhere near it. Which is another big worry of mine. I'm paid decently for the work that I do, but I don't work more than 10-12 hours a week because of school, caring for the family, and the horses. And I know that having Kenzie and Sour is preventing me from getting closer to being self sufficient/financially independent, but they're really the only thing I enjoy right now and it hurts a lot to think of giving them up. I know its inevitable though, and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm close to being able to put one of them up for sale soon, I think. I have to be. Kenzie's new home situation is only going to be temporary, and then I'll have no where to take her, and Sour's board is taking a big chunk out of my pay check. I can't afford hernia surgery for Kenzie if she needs it, and I can't afford to pay for college next year if I still have both of them. I need to just suck it up and do what I know I have to do, but it still hurts.

I'm definitely looking into school for an in-demand job. I hadn't thought of being a nurse (I'm not the most empathetic person when it comes to 'normal' people...heh) but my thought was going to school to become an Occupational Therapist. Its 5-6 years old school, but not nearly as expensive or long as much first 'dream' job, which would have been being a vet. OT is in high demand with all of the older and disabled people we have, and its something I could see myself happy in. And hopefully, if I do things right, maybe I'd eventually be able to sustain a horse without all of the constant worry that I have now. Horses are my one bright spot in my life, but I'm not foolish enough to think I can make a good living off of them, so the next best thing is a decent job so I can have one later on down the road.

Not having them for a while though is a sad thing though, and something I don't look forward to.
    09-27-2013, 07:27 PM
Maybe you can find somebody that will free lease them and keep them for you.
    09-27-2013, 07:32 PM
Teen Forum Moderator
Sour maybe, since she's an adult, an easy keeper with no health problems whatsoever, and trained to do multiple things including driving.

Kenzie...not so much. I would LOVE to find someone to free lease her, but honestly I don't even know who in their right mind would BUY an unbroken two year old with an umbilical hernia, a HUGE medical past, baggage, tons of scars, light bones, and no registery given the economy right now. WE know she's a fantastic filly, but they don't. I know that if I just randomly saw her in an ad, or if someone came to HF with an ad for her asking if she was a good prospect, I'd give them a quick and definite "No, too much baggage" and I'm afraid that's whats going to happen with her when I put her up for sale too. She's so much more than the funky looking skinny filly that she appears to be, but people don't know that when they see her. If she was three and already started/ready to do something, she might have a chance as a free lease for someone, but I just don't know.
    09-27-2013, 07:37 PM
I hope you figure out what to do. If these people will only keep her for a while, maybe you should make another attempt to give her to someone who will love her.
    09-27-2013, 09:26 PM
Teen Forum Moderator
Thanks...I do too. She's an amazing filly if someone will just give her a chance. I really need to look into getting her story into a magazine. I'll also probably be listing her up "for sale" in multiple places again, and maybe I'll put an ad out of HF for her, with her sale price (which in any other case would just be to, hopefully, keep her out of the slaughter house or sales barn) waived to any active member who might be willing to take her. Now that she's mine, in writing, I shouldn't have any of the problems we had with her last possible forever home...so that's good at least. At this point I'm even willing to pitch in as much as I can to get her trailered to whoever might take her. I'd actually rather deal with trying to move her out of this area than sell her around here. I can't stand the way the majority of horses are treated in my area.
    09-27-2013, 10:35 PM
Seems like we had one member in California that was interested in her.
    09-28-2013, 10:07 AM
Teen Forum Moderator
That's true! Of course circumstances could have changed, but at least at this point she's pretty much 100% rehabbed. The only thing she still needs is that hernia surgery, which of course is expensive... my vet told me I didn't HAVE to get it fixed at its size, but I'd really rather be safe than sorry since its a possible colic causer and she already cribs which can be another colic causer.

Actually there was someone in the North who was possibly willing to take her too. California and Oregon are both really far away, but hey...if they're homes, I think Kenzie will survive a little cross country trip ;)
Celeste likes this.
    10-04-2013, 02:04 PM
Teen Forum Moderator
Well I did it..Sour is up for sale/lease/lease to own and we'll see how it goes. I'm going to be a little picky about who she goes to because she just doesn't do well in a home where she's just a pasture puff, but she's also just not the type of horse that I'd give to an inexperienced kid to learn on. I'm hoping an adult who wants to do some pleasure driving will take some interest her, or maybe even someone wanting to do local shows. She's registered, but not exactly high quality unfortunately...her croup is too steep for her to place in any halter classes. I bathed, clipped, and trimmed her bridle path today and took some conformation pictures of her, and when I get a chance I'll add a video of her driving. Hopefully she attracts a good person. I love that little gal to death and she's going to make a great little work partner for someone. The fact that she's trained, has parade experience, loves to work, and has no existing health problems are all good for her at least.

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