*Just felt like writing. It's the only place I can.*
That is me. That is my life. Good or bad. It covers everything, my riding, my career, my personal life.
I'm one of those kind of people that get to that point & fizzles. And that's where I stay. There are a lot of excuses I will admit, but there's quite a bit of reality mixed in. It's always been difficult for me to make friends, let alone hang on to them. Riding somewhat changed that for awhile. It's the only thing I've hung onto in my life. I used to be good. Some tell me I still am, but they are just words. I've been trying to get back to where I was by offering to help w/ judging teams, the high school riding team, 4-h, and it's always the same answer, "I'll let you know." Yet I keep being told I would be good at it. So I stalled out there.
I can't go any further with Odie, yet I can't afford another horse. When I had to stop racing, I was just at that point of being pretty good. Then for health reasons, Odie couldn't race. I haven't been able to afford another racer since. I got close a year ago, but it didn't work out ($$, space, she wasn't going to make a good barrel horse). So again, I hit that proverbial wall.
I used to promote a stud, I loved it! The owner & I got along well, she was very happy with how we were doing, etc. There was quite a few "let me know if you'd like to work with my horse". Until my current "ride" left suddenly. There were no new opportunities after that.
Other things are like that as well. I'm what you might call a "fair weather" friend, though not in tue traditional sense. When it's convenient or there aren't other options, I'm considered a friend. If you call me, everything is ok. If I call you, you don't know me. I can count on one hand the # of pictures that I'm in. But if you could see just beyond the photo you'd see me.
It's not always for lack of trying, but at some point it goes from just trying to stay in touch to becoming a pest.
Someone once told me that I want to be more than what I was meant to be, what I want in life is not mine to have, it's just for me to look at but not touch.
I don't want that to be true & have fought to prove them wrong. Yet by doing so, have only proved them right.
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A good Jack or Jill of All Trades is a jewel worth keeping. Maybe you can't build the whole barn from scratch but I bet you can figure out how to fix and replace a broken timber. I think it sounds like you're being impatient with yourself. One thing the great masters of ANYTHING always say, "I have spent my whole life perfecting ........................(you fill in the blank)."
People today are not so good at being friends. They've become very selfish and self centered and when it's convenient for them to be a friend they are or when they need something and they think you'll be the one to give it to them, they'll call. My mom used to call me a Social Butterfly and warned me that by Flitting from Flower to Flower, I was going to land on a Cow Patty. I did. Many times and found that you can shower the stink off and move on to the next flower til you find one worth staying on. As I've gotten older, I've gotten choicier about who I call friend. I have a lot of acquaintances and very few I call true friend, I'd drop anything and run to their aid friend. Very few people prove themselves worthy of that kind of devotion, but when they do, you keep them around for life. The rest are in your life for a minute, an hour or a season, whatever God will's them to be. They or you learn the lesson that needs to be learnt and then move on to the next.
At my age, if someone told me, "I want to be more than what I was meant to be, what I want in life is not mine to have, it's just for me to look at but not touch."
, I'm afraid I'd tell that person to kiss my big white azz as it was walking away from them and I'd dump them like the pile of ....they are.
Take pride in what you're good at, and then pick one thing every day or every week to get better at something. That way you'll be moving on by your own volition, not waiting on what someone else sees fit to give you. If you develop yourself and start taking pride in you, you'll find other people start taking pride in you too and will want to be around you.