Thank you, you guys! I really can't say it enough. All the support I've been getting means so so much. To know that there are hundreds of people, most of whom I've never been lucky enough to meet, mourning her loss with me and missing her alongside me...I don't even know. It really means a lot. I could easily find myself feeling super alone and just hide from the world for a while, but there are so many people just loving me through this.......guys, I do not even know.
Today has been really hard. I keep feeling real happy one second, and then find myself sobbing the next.
I'm nearly certain that it's like Chevaux was saying - my routine has returned [school, etc] and I have to stick to my routine...but Lacey isn't in my routine.
And then going back to school and having everyone gush about how great their break was...oh my word. All I wanted to do was just to scream "SHUT UP!!! I HATE YOU." and probably punch them all in the face.
Clearly, I did not.
It's ok for others to be happy, even if I'm epically heartbroken. Everyone's in a different place.
But that was hard.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I have a class in the morning from 10-11:50, then a break from 11:50-2, then class from 2-5.
I'm going to go sit on a silent floor of the library and it should be pretty nice. I loooove the library and I haven't gotten to be in it at all this year with the way my classes turned out.
And being at school, on a silent floor, is kind of extra nice: I'm not home so I can't play the "I should be doing ____"-game and I kind of have to take that time to just chill. So that should be ok.
I hate the 2-5 class though...but it's with a great friend which might make it better. And this term, in that class, we're writing our giannnntttt "Senior Papers" [I'm doing mine on "Wild Horse Annie" and how she helped people begin to change their opinions of Mustangs] so at least half the class should turn out to be "writing time" = could be good...?
My fingers are crossed.
Oh, I remembered something I was going to tell you guys. You know how people are always talking about my photography?
Well I had kind of completely forgotten about this, but Lacey was the impetus for me to start taking pictures at all. I had barely even picked up a camera before her, then I got her, an old-lady-friend gifted me a camera to document Lacey, and my/"our" photography began.
Lacey has hoofprints in pretty much every part of my life. She changed so much of who I was into who I am... It's the most beautiful thing.
So we can 100% thank her on the photography front.
AND the writing front! I never had any interest in writing until I started this journal due to Lady, who was due to Lacey cuz I didn't want her to be lonely. Like photography, it's gotten better with time.
THAT HORSE. :)
Ok, enough about that.
I suppose I should cover what happened last night at church because 1. it was adorbs 2. I had said it promised to go real bad or real great.
a) Gman spent so long talking to me and hearing about Lacey last night. I really value that kid and his friendship. He's almost like a horse person in how much he understands the intricacies of that relationship and how she was closer to a human than a pet.
Maybe it's cuz he spent an entire summer where he saw us together on a daily basis?
In any case, I really value that.
Many of my less BFF-level non-horsey friends have been a little less understanding of the depth of what I'm going through. But Gman totally gets it [or at least pretends he does] and that's real great.
b) Gman and I always have people coming up and interrupting our conversations at church. He's really "cool" and in charge of a lot at church so they're mostly important interruptions...but still.
In any case, after NG left the zoo, we had joked about how NG was going to be a 100% permanent fixture/"interruption" in our discussions from now on and were we prepared for that?
Last night NG saw us talking, joined our little group, and just stood there listening+laughing appropriately at jokes. Not interrupting, just listening and being there.
It was very sweet. Gman texted me later saying "Props to __[NG]__ for being the most unobtrusive 'interruption' evvvver. He's a good one."
c) Later, when it was just NG and I, he was all "I'm sorry about your horse.." and said something about how he wished that Thursday had been the best ever alll day. And he made sure to tell me that the reason he left the zoo early was to go see his male mentor-person. And he made very sure I knew that the mentor-person was maleeeee. hahaha
Then he came and sat with me during church, saying "Can I come join your support system here?"
He sat next to me and let our shoulders gently touch for basically the whole service. This is kind of important since there was plenty of room for him to not touch me, the first time he did it - he looked over at me to gauge my reaction+smiled sweetly, AND in previous services -even when there was very little room- this was not a "thing" before.
It was so so sweet.
Later he told me something about how he wanted to cheer me up but didn't want to be insensitive, then told me a story about ho his family had had some rabbits that they didn't really like so they were a little sad, but mostly ok when they died, and that he can't imagine how hard it must be to lose something you really love.
He's trying so much. I like it.
THEN, last night, after church, I texted him a joke I thought he'd like [I'm not great with showing/saying my emotions face to face so I figured a joke promptly after church might send the right "thank you" message without being too gooshy].
Then this morning, he texted me the first part of a two part joke, so I had to text him back [clevvvver], I texted him another joke which became his "new favorite pirate joke", etc.
I think he got the hint. Or he just liked my jokes.
Either way, this is good.
HAH. And to think that 2-3 months ago I was wailing to you guys about this new weird guyyyyy.
In any case, I think I kind of maybe like him a lot.
And even when I was taking to Gman and he was there, he was still important-there. He wasn't go-away-there, or something. He was I'm-glad-you're-part-of-this-there.
And that's good cuz I have been a little worried about NG vs. Gman = am I "over" Gman all the way/enough for NG? Will Gman always seem better than NG? etc.
But if how I felt while they were both there is any indication, NG is doing pretty darn well for just 3 months into the friendship.
And that, I think, is your Today-Update. :)