Luna and I... What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger... The Best Is Yet To Come - Page 3
   

       The Horse Forum > The Horse Forum Community > Member Journals

Luna and I... What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger... The Best Is Yet To Come

This is a discussion on Luna and I... What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger... The Best Is Yet To Come within the Member Journals forums, part of the The Horse Forum Community category

    Like Tree12Likes

     
    LinkBack Thread Tools
        02-22-2012, 01:40 AM
      #21
    Foal
    You remind me a bit of myself when I was 16. Your honesty about how you are feeling is very touching. You seem like a wise soul :)
         
    Sponsored Links
    Advertisement
     
        02-22-2012, 01:46 PM
      #22
    Foal
    Thanks Catdog :) I have always felt older than I am... It can be very helpful at times, I almost feel like I have experienced it before :)
    Posted via Mobile Device
    Catdog88 likes this.
         
        02-22-2012, 09:13 PM
      #23
    Foal
    2/22


    Doctor's appointment tomorrow. Gods, I hate doctors... Always looking down on you, thinking they know best. Thinking they know you. One of the many reasons I'm dreading it is because I know it will be just like all the other doctors (7 or 8 of them in the past few years) "I can't help you with that" or "Your levels are normal, I don't know why you're here" or "We could just do another test but we won't find anything" even though it was so obvious that everything was (is?) not okay. I have been tested to death. Seen endocrinologists, psychiatrists, and various other "specialists". Been to hospitals (although never for an over night stay) where I didn't belong, been in pain that should have never been caused.

    Why it has to be me I will never know. Of course, many people have it a lot worse than me and I understand that. But sometimes I can't help feeling that I'm in my own personal hell, made just for me.

    Anyway... That's a little insight on why I hate doctors so much. They have never done anything but cause me pain and suffering. And yet I keep going back because I don't deserve to live like this. At one point, I thought that I did deserve it. But now I know that my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tricks me into thinking that I'm not good enough, that I deserve to hate myself. But I don't. It has taken me so long to realize that...

    I do truly believe that there are a few things that saved me.

    1. Somewhere deep down I knew dying wasn't the answer.

    2. My family. I would kill them if I died and I knew it.

    3. Horses. I knew that some where out there that there was a horse just as screwed up as me and that we would find each other someday.

    4. My other pets. I've seen how my dog looks at my door when she thinks I'm gone. I couldn't deal with thinking that she would be looking at my door for the rest of her life.

    5. Battlestar Galactica (the new version). I know it's weird that I'd add a tv show to a list of things that saved my life, but it really did. I watched one episode and it changed me. Within a week of watching the show, I had decided to chop off all my hair and dye it (a lighter) blonde, just like Starbuck. Her will to live and fight despite what was going on was just enough to bring back the life in me.

    6. Music. Evanescence, The Pretty Reckless, Rise Against, and the music from Battlestar Galactica helped me through as well.


    Hopefully the appointment tomorrow isn't too awful... Wish me luck.
         
        02-23-2012, 08:27 AM
      #24
    Green Broke
    Good Luck today!!
         
        02-23-2012, 09:55 PM
      #25
    Green Broke
    Yep, good luck...hope everything went well.
         
        02-23-2012, 10:33 PM
      #26
    Foal
    2/23


    Things did not go well today. How should I put it... Let's just say I feel like sh*t. My labs came back and everything except my testosterone levels were normal (due to the polycystic ovarian syndrome). My doctor contacted an edocronologist and they both think I have PCOS. Okay, that's fine, I thought. I can deal with that. Until she told me a little about PCOS. It is one of the most common causes of infertility in women. That was like a punch in the face. Whenever someone asked me if I wanted kids, I always automatically said no. But now that it's possible that I can't have any... You never know what you've got til it's gone. Of course I still don't want kids, but maybe my future self does? It just really fraking sucks. And on top of it all I have to go in for more labs/blood tests tomorrow morning. Then once they get those results back, I will be put on a pill that is for PCOS. Of course my main concern is my weight, and I asked the doc if the new pill will help me lose and she said "it's possible..." which is code for "probably not". It just really pisses me off. And I have a right to be angry... But I also have to learn to deal with it. It's just going to take some time to get used to this harsh new reality. In the mean time, I have Luna to look forward to, and I'll think of her when I think about how sh*tty I feel.
         
        02-24-2012, 11:32 PM
      #27
    Foal
    2/24

    Got more blood work done today, don't really want to talk about it. I'm still angry about this PCOS thing and it's pissing me off that I'm angry. So... I guess I'm just mad at myself. Anyway... Luna should be arriving at the barn tomorrow Hopefully she won't act too crazy. But she is young, so I can't expect her to act perfectly. I will try to take some pictures
         
        02-25-2012, 01:49 AM
      #28
    Showing
    Ignore me if I piss you off further, but you didn't cause yourself to get PCOS and you have every right to feel hurt and pissed off about it. It's not fair. But despite everything, you're getting your horse and she's going to be so much fun and she'll help you get through things! :)
         
        02-25-2012, 01:56 AM
      #29
    Foal
    Thank you Skyseternalangel :) I really needed a pep talk :) You are absolutely right about all that, Luna will help me through and it isn't fair that I have PCOS... But I just have to keep going and keep telling myself that when I feel crappy. I'm so glad I found this forum and started keeping a journal, everyone has been very supportive and helpful, I really do appreciate it :)
         
        02-25-2012, 02:37 AM
      #30
    Showing
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sporthorsegirl    
    Thank you Skyseternalangel :) I really needed a pep talk :) You are absolutely right about all that, Luna will help me through and it isn't fair that I have PCOS... But I just have to keep going and keep telling myself that when I feel crappy. I'm so glad I found this forum and started keeping a journal, everyone has been very supportive and helpful, I really do appreciate it :)
    I'm glad you found it too, and you're feeling like you aren't alone in all of this. Feel free to seek me out if you need to talk :)
         

    Thread Tools

    Similar Threads
    Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
    Luna is two now ^^ Pics shizukanori Horse Pictures 3 07-17-2010 12:11 AM
    Luna ; Few things barnprincess Horse Training 6 04-12-2010 10:22 PM
    Luna once again shizukanori Horse Pictures 2 08-04-2009 03:36 AM
    Luna will be two May 1... 3neighs Horse Training 16 03-19-2009 05:38 PM
    Help with a stronger bit! whinruss Horse Tack and Equipment 12 11-09-2007 06:41 AM



    All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:20 PM.


    Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
    Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
    Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0