Doctor's appointment tomorrow. Gods, I hate doctors... Always looking down on you, thinking they know best. Thinking they know you. One of the many reasons I'm dreading it is because I know it will be just like all the other doctors (7 or 8 of them in the past few years) "I can't help you with that" or "Your levels are normal, I don't know why you're here" or "We could just do another test but we won't find anything" even though it was so obvious that everything was (is?) not okay. I have been tested to death. Seen endocrinologists, psychiatrists, and various other "specialists". Been to hospitals (although never for an over night stay) where I didn't belong, been in pain that should have never been caused.
Why it has to be me I will never know. Of course, many people have it a lot worse than me and I understand that. But sometimes I can't help feeling that I'm in my own personal hell, made just for me.
Anyway... That's a little insight on why I hate doctors so much. They have never done anything but cause me pain and suffering. And yet I keep going back because I don't deserve to live like this. At one point, I thought that I did deserve it. But now I know that my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tricks me into thinking that I'm not good enough, that I deserve to hate myself. But I don't. It has taken me so long to realize that...
I do truly believe that there are a few things that saved me.
1. Somewhere deep down I knew dying wasn't the answer.
2. My family. I would kill them if I died and I knew it.
3. Horses. I knew that some where out there that there was a horse just as screwed up as me and that we would find each other someday.
4. My other pets. I've seen how my dog looks at my door when she thinks I'm gone. I couldn't deal with thinking that she would be looking at my door for the rest of her life.
5. Battlestar Galactica (the new version). I know it's weird that I'd add a tv show to a list of things that saved my life, but it really did. I watched one episode and it changed me. Within a week of watching the show, I had decided to chop off all my hair and dye it (a lighter) blonde, just like Starbuck. Her will to live and fight despite what was going on was just enough to bring back the life in me.
6. Music. Evanescence, The Pretty Reckless, Rise Against, and the music from Battlestar Galactica helped me through as well.
Hopefully the appointment tomorrow isn't too awful... Wish me luck.