I feel like I'm in a very icky place right now in my mentality towards my equestrian team. I am not sure how to fix it.
Part of me feels used. Yes, I put it on myself for saying yes all the time, but.. Hm. Maybe used isn't the word. Exploited. I feel like I wasted money, time and effort on something that I so desperately wanted. I felt like it was my only opportunity to ride, to grow. But now I feel like it only hinders.
Any suggestions I think of? Shot down. Any information I provide? Wrong/ not applicable/ not useful. Any time I ask for help? Ignored.
I feel like when I'm there, I'm exploited. But when I'm not there, I'm forgotten, and if thought of... Its only because they miss the work I provide.
Part of me just wants to be a lazy git and sit on my ass all day like one of the girls. She doesn't do anything but groundwoek and ride. Maybe I could do that.
We are in a situation now where only two out of the four ridable horses are being used. And who goes to the land where they are at most? Me. I want to ride them, out of my own wants and because I like them and enjoy the experience. But I know that in the end would only benefit the team, in which, my efforts mean nothing.
I'm not a jouster... And all the work we do for the jousters, which cuts into the things I want to do, makes me feel less welcome.
I don't know. I guess I will figure it out soon. Maybe I will just focus on my lease and his owner, and take a break.
Mind you, this is just my point of view. I'm sure I'm biased in some way.