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Is it wrong to give your horse a pat?

22K views 144 replies 64 participants last post by  Chessie 
#1 · (Edited)
My question is: is it wrong or frowned upon to give your horse pats? I have this Parelli follower "trainer" at my barn who comes and works with a few of the horses. She's constantly telling me what I need to do with my horse, "teaching" me how to tack him up etc. I've been around horses for 10 years now, and I admit I don't know everything, obviously. This lady just drives me NUTS with her condescending attitude. She continuously tells me I shouldn't pat my horse on the withers or neck, they don't enjoy it. She says in the herd, a pat is a sign of "go away" or "get out of my space". I'd like to believe her, but I just haven't seen a horse genuinely dislike it. I'd like to please my horse as much as I can, so I do not want to continue doing this if it's true.
Can I get some input on this?

Yesterday she was hovering while I was bridling my horse and continuously said I was doing it wrong. My boy has never had a problem with bridling, so I don't believe I am.


ETA: I have not hired her as a trainer, she just seems to hover while others are working with their horses, also does it to a new boarder and we just cannot stand it anymore. New boarder has no problem telling her to mind her business, but I don't have guts, especially the guts to tell an /elder/(in essence) how I feel. I try not to be rude.
 
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#2 ·
Ugh, I hate being around people like that. The funny thing about horses is that they will interpret the intent behind the action more than the action itself. I pat my horses all the time and they don't seem to mind it. It doesn't cause them to become anxious or try to move away from me. Granted, I don't go overboard and smack the s*** out of them like some folks you see, but I see nothing wrong with a decent pat occasionally.

I even pat my horses on the rump and, :shock: God forbid, on the head/face too. Funny that they can tell the difference between a "you did a good job" pat and a "you need to move over/back" pat, even if they are the exact same firmness.:wink:

I'm sorry to say, but she sounds like a bully. The only way she's ever going to leave you alone is if you, pardon the language, grow a pair and put her in her place.
 
#3 · (Edited)
Thanks for the input. I want to terribly bad, but just cannot find the strength to! She is a bit of a bully, but I just put on a show and act like I'm really learning. She even tells the BO what she's doing wrong, occasionally.
I pat my boy(mostly when she isn't around to butt in) and he reacts just fine...usually it's after a good wither or ear scratch.
I feel like if he disliked it, he'd pin his ears or swish his tail like he does when he's irritated. I think I know my horse and his reactions a bit better than this lady who spends maybe 10 minutes around him a week as opposed to me spending at least 10 hours a week with him.
 
#5 · (Edited)
Tell her that if you wanted her advice, you'd pay her for it. Otherwise, it's not worth bothering with... Well, maybe that's a bit mean, but I would definitely suggest letting her know how you feel.
Honestly, I don't know where she's getting any of this. If there's one thing my horses love more than a treat, it's a pat or a scratch. Especially on the withers. Horses groom each other all the time to bond.
-edit- And I agree with bsms. Listen to the horse. Some of them are a lot less touchy, some love to be touched. But in my experience, horses like it more often than not, and as they're wonderfully honest animals, they always let you know what they like and don't like.
 
#6 ·
Yeah, my bratty appy would definitely tell me if he wasn't enjoying it lol


I don't know where she gets any of her stuff. She "taught" me how to bridle my horse yesterday by holding a treat in her hand to get him to "accept" the bit. He doesn't have problems accepting a bit until a stranger comes up and tries it. Then it takes maybe 3 minutes.
I don't want my horse to assume every time he gets bridled, he'll be treated for it. For Gods sake, he's 15 years old.
 
#30 ·
I've had people try to tell me what I do wrong.
Example: the best trainer I've had so far, one day she overstepped her boundaries with my horse. We were doing lunge work for balance and she had my horse stop and explained stuff to me, and all he did was turn his head to her and sniff her, his was of asking "did I do a good job?" And she hit his jaw and flapped the lungeline at him! "THIS IS UNEXCEPTABLE! HE NEEDS TO RESPECT YOUR SPACE!" And I just sat there like oh my god lady. My horse is by far the best respecter of space, and if you get after him for something as simple as that, he doesn't want to be caught in the pasture the next day. I should of took him away from her, showed her if you wiggled the line he would back up. Smh. She never even guessed his training was based on natural horsemanship, but of course her way is right!

I would tell her to back off if I were you. Follow your own horse trainer. It doesn't sound like your horse is a crazed, dangerous animal because of you. Sounds like he is mannered, so she has no right to give input.

Nosy, nosy people
 
#7 ·
I pat/rub my horse and I know she likes it. But regardless of anyone's particular preferences when it comes to handling their horses, no one should be overstepping your boundaries, period. You did not ask for this woman's opinion. As smrobs said, the appropriate thing to do would be to tell her in a direct way that her input is neither desired not appreciated. You can do it in a diplomatic way, just be straight forward.

I hope that helps. Things like that drive me nuts.
 
#8 ·
I'm scared of hurting someones feelings...even if she annoys the heck outta me. Maybe some people like her teachings, I'm just not a fan of unwarranted advice from someone who puts off the vibe she'll never learn another thing about horses in her life; as if she knows everything there is to know. Thats what really gets to me.
 
#35 ·
SIIIIIIIGH!! I wish I was more like you and a little more....delicate. Once I get irritated enough I lose all my filters. I have a lovely friend who is a Parelli-ite and while I have learned a lot of useful info from her, frequently all that touchy feely, ask don't tell stuff realllllly gets on my nerves. Usually right in the middle of somebody deciding to wear me out by being disrespectful. She has caught the rough edge of my tongue a few times (we've been friends since BEFORE anyone ever heard of Parelli) and she gets over it, though I don't know if your gal will. I tend to bark when I'm p.o.'d and people stand there and start spouting. I feel like since I didn't ask for their help, and 9 out of 10 times they're more distraction than help, then they just need to live with it when I bark at them to "F* OFF! When I have time for that cr*p I'll tell you. Otherwise, either man up and get in here and help or shut up and get out of my sight!". My friend has a pretty thick hide and can be a bit oblivious to MY warning signs so .... until I have actual ears to pin and a tail to swish, she's gonna get verbally kicked. :oops:

And I guess that's the point I was trying to make. If you give unsolicited advice and butt in where you haven't been invited, then you get what you get and you better learn to deal with it.
 
#13 ·
Rubbing and patting are just fine, I don't know why that lady thinks this, but you should be fine. Maybe she meant the big whacks people sometimes give their horses and call them "pats"?
 
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#15 ·
I'm a lot like you, where I don't want to really hurt someone's feelings and am so tolerant that I have to force myself to put my foot down, before things get out of hand. You can always practice what you want to say, and recite it before you say it- like writing an essay, you can revise until you're satisfied with it. But eventually, if you keep playing along, she's going to notice that you're not doing what she's saying you should, and you will be put in a tight spot when she asks why- it's just putting off the inevitable. There will be more hurt feelings the longer you put this off- think of her like a hot air balloon. You're just helping to fill her with more and more hot air, and you can either stop it now and just let things deflate or keep going until she eventually explodes.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Soenjer55 is right. The problem is too many of us are nice and it can sometimes be hard to just say “no” or “I’m not interested” because we are afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings or something. My girlfriend had recently had that trouble. Her friends were always wanting her to go and do things with them, shopping, going out to dinner, nothing nasty, nice things actually, but they were getting in the way of her work and it was putting her under a lot of stress. I had to convince her it was OK for her to say, “no, I’m busy”. She did eventually say it; her friends were a bit miffed for a day or so, and now they just get that she has to get through her work. And my girlfriend is much happier.
My guess is that if you just say to this person something like, “I appreciate that you are just trying to help, but I really need to do this on my own; but I would also appreciate it if I could come to you for advice some time” she might back off and give you some space and probably not get her panties in much of a bunch about it. Let it keep going and it will probably just get worse.
 
#18 ·
Tell her that if she wants to be a trainer, you'll pay her to shut the h*ll up. When people do that to me, I just completely ignore them and do exactly what I'm doing like they're not even there... that usually gets the point across.

I personally don't like to pat horses just because it can make a sound that will make some horses uncomfortable, if I show affection to a horse I will usually just scratch because horses seem to like it more than petting. You can teach a horse that a pat is good though, and it's a lot easier when you're riding to reach down and give your horse quick pat than to scratch.
 
#20 ·
Tell her to mind her own business and don't be polite either. Hopefully she takes her kids & goes home and plays with them as much as she plays with other peoples' horses.
 
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#21 ·
Hi, haven't read any responses, so I'm sure to repeat what others have said...
My question is: is it wrong or frowned upon to give your horse pats?
Depends what you're doing it for & what the horse thinks of it IMO. Eg. many people slap(pat) their horse as a reward for something, but how many horses actually like it?? I'm sure some probably do, but most at best tend to just tolerate it IME. An actual positive reinforcement needs to be something the horse actually desires, which is usually not a pat/slap IME.

BUT if the pat is associated/paired with an actual reinforcer, it can come to have meaning to the horse. Just like our words, it is essentially meaningless to the horse... assuming it's not actually unpleasant... but they learn to associate signs with actions, so learn our intent.

....Which brings me to another reason you may want to pat your horse. Because people do & it's a good idea to desensitise your horse to that sort of thing.... not least because if someone comes & pats him, you don't want him jumping through the roof!:-p

I have not hired her as a trainer, she just seems to hover while others are working with their horses, also does it to a new boarder and we just cannot stand it anymore. New boarder has no problem telling her to mind her business, but I don't have guts, especially the guts to tell an /elder/(in essence) how I feel. I try not to be rude.
Hmm, those types have me feeling like they need a good poke in the eye!:-p Regardless of how good & valid her information might be, it is she who is being rude in pushing it down your throat. It may be that your responses have encouraged her, but I would be letting her know that you appreciate here helpfulness & her knowledge, but you'd really like to do your own thing... with your own horse. Or perhaps you could take the other tack of thanking her for showing you her approach on your horse & telling her you'd like to return the favour & show her how you do things on her horse:twisted: Or if you can't bring yourself to, perhaps you could ask the BO or the other person to remind her to... be as respectful of others as she attempts to be with horses??
 
#24 ·
Or. Every time she comes to tell you all about what you should be doing with your horse take the opportunity to tell her all about the time you were abducted by aliens. Tell her how they took you to their planet, tell her all about the cool stuff they have taught you and that they come and pick you up and fly you around every Thursday night. She should start thinking you are a nutter and that it might be better to just leave you alone. If that doesn’t work, invite hr back to your house to have a look at your knife collection.
 
#41 ·
I really don't mind if people think I'm crazy, mostly because BO knows I'm not an thats all that matters LOL
Oh you spoil sport - it's very liberating when everyone thinks you're mad!
 
#28 ·
I wouldn't have any problem telling someone to buzz off if they were interrupting my pony therapy. Seriously, I go out to relax and get some good sweet pats, rubs, squeeze whatever part of her body I can wrap my arms around. I don't think my mare would meet me at the gate if she thought I was a holy terror.

Think of this as a personal growing exercise for later in life. There will be plenty of people you will have to tell to "Mind your own business", and just think of this as practice!
 
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