Pocket was my little golden boy, a tiny pomeranian with a lion's heart. I got Pocket for Christmas when he was eight weeks old. He weighed 11 ounces.
He never knew he was tiny. He was a fierce competitor with all the other "big" dogs for my attention. And he was ABSOLUTELY the most comical dog I have ever known in my life. He made every evening fun, filled with play and laughter, as he got into one fix after another, always with a zest for life and a new game.
Pocket got sick when he was around two years old. I didn't know what was wrong, and thought maybe he had swallowed a rib bone. So off to the vet for X-rays, exam and blood work. What the vet said nearly dropped me to my knees.
Poor Pocket had been born with several birth defects. Some, but not all, included a dangerous narrowing of the spine, an oversized heart, tiny kidneys, an almost nonexistent liver, bad hips and poor ligament and tendon structure in his back legs. The prognosis wasn't good, and the vet could not tell me how long he might have.
We got Pocket through this crisis, which seemed to be due to arthritis in his back (sigh). So very young. We got him through the next several ones too. We kept up hope.
Pocket just about made it to 5 years old. The last few weeks, his inexhaustible appetite for life and fun seemed to flag.......... He slept a lot, choosing to hide under the bed in the quiet rather than sleeping on the bed with his buddies and me. Last Saturday he seemed to be in some pain. So I gave him the pain meds the vet left for him. By Sunday, he was in terrible pain, his little back was bowed. His tail, forever curled over his back and wildly bouncing, was quiet and still and tucked. His eyes begged for help.
Off to the vet ASAP, emergency for Pocket!
The vet said that, due to the structure of his back legs, his tendons would not stay in place. That had placed tremendous pressure on his back, which was compromised already. He said that, to have any quality of life, Pocket needed two surgeries on his legs at about $1,000. He would have to have surgery on one leg, then be crated till it healed, then have surgery on the other. And still no guarantee on life span, due to his other problems.
I killed him. Yes, you can say "put to sleep" or "euthanise" or whatever, but the fact remains he was alive and by a word of mine he is now dead. Maybe it was the best thing to do under all the circumstances, but it was mainly for the wrong reasons. I just didn't want to spend that $1,000. He has cost me so much in vet bills with no hope for his future, his emergency visits were always around $200 each.......
I can't forgive myself. I cry all the time. I am so sorry, Pocket! I loved you so much, and now you are gone, and I said the word. RIP my beautiful boy.