Issue with father... - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 12:06 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NY
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Issue with father...

~Really long rant warning~

I really need help. First of all my father is constantly degrading me. He is always saying how I'm just a stupid fat b!tch and how I don't know anything and I'm worthless and lazy and how the earth shakes whenever I move. He also picks on me because I'm only 5ft3. My mother and I also don't get along too well because I'm constantly trying to stand up for myself and all that ever does is make my father mad. My mother is also degraded. He talks nonstop how he could get a young chick any day so my mother had better watch her step. One day I walked in on my mom being pushed to the floor and kicked when she tried to stand up for herself.

This is just the beginning of my issues...I don't live with my parents. I am under their care but they live down the road in a huge clean house my father built. I have lived alone in a dump of a trailer for many years now. It is full of rats and bugs and it stinks horribly! My father says it's because I'm such a slob but I grew up in this crappy place and it's always been like this! That's why he moved out! No matter what I do to try and clean the place up nothing works and my father just says I'm stupid some more! There is so much garbage people wouldn't believe it! The biggest room in the whole trailer has garbage piled to the ceiling!

I would love to leave but my animals are the most important thing to me. I have never had any friends because I was so afraid that if I told anybody anything they might find out about my situation. I just graduated high school (I did it in 3 years and I took several college courses). I figured on doing college online for 2 years so I could care for my animals since if I leave they will all dissappear...I know my horses would go to slaughter and dogs would go to the pound. The thought crossed my mind to take a horse to college with me but I have no idea how I'm going to pay for college so paying more to have my horse may not be a option!

I don't want to turn my parents in because them getting in trouble wouldn't help and me being taken away wouldn't help either! I'm stuck here!

My father is racist and perverted. I have always "laughed" off everything he says and if I don't pretend what he says is funny then he goes off how I'm miserable and snotty and hate everyone! He talks bad about everyone that we pass on the sidewalk or in their cars or the people in restaurants! It drives me crazy! When I'm not around my parents I'm very friendly and happy to be around people.

I constantly cry. I have grown up thinking I need to please my father and I don't want to! My mother also cries. She cries because she feels bad for me. She said it herself. My mother works at least 10 hours a day and makes no money and my father doesn't help her out at all! She stays with my father because she couldn't afford an apartment if she left him.

What should I do??? I'm sorry for the rant but I've never told any of this to anyone and I really don't know what to do! I don't think I can take this for 2 more years! Especially not in the Winter when my dump of a trailer is about 45°f because I have practically no heat and it isn't insolated! HELP
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post #2 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 12:51 PM
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Florida
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Sounds like a really tough situation, your parents, specifically your father ripped up his parent card long ago. Why are you not able to live in the new house with your parents? To me not letting you live with them is neglect. I understand you feel stuck, and it sounds as if your mother is to beaten down to do anything.

I know you worry about your animals but sometimes you have to put yourself first to get out of a bad situation. Maybe you could try contacting some animal welfare places, no kill shelters, horse rescues someplace you get your animals to so they are in a good place. Secondly contact child protective services yourself and tell them you need help.

Quiet frankly I would not worry about your father getting in trouble he is not a good person and he gets what he gets. There are services available to help your mom get on her feet, maybe the two of you can work together to rebuild your lives. If she is to stuck in her life there is nothing you can do to help her she has to want to change too.

You sound like a strong determined person, two years until your considered a legal adult able to be on your own is a long time when your in a bad situation. I don't know the laws in NY, but I am sure there is a way for you to be emancipated if there is cause and you can find a way to provide for yourself. If you want to change your situation your going to have to step out of your comfort zone, it is scary but your not going to change your parents so you have to change yourself.

Good luck to you, I hope you find a way to be happy and enjoy what is left of your childhood.
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post #3 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 01:54 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Missouri
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Who buys your food and the animal food? Do you have any grandparents that would help you? Do you work?

Do you have a car? Trash service at the trailer? How are you getting internet access? Electric, water?

If there is trash service, start putting out bags of trash, and anything you can get them to haul off. There is no excuse for you piling up trash, none. Get it out of there, and do not contribute anything else to the pile either. Bag it and carry it outside and get rid of it as you go.

They make bug and roach spray all day long, so get trash out of the room filled to the ceiling, and spray that room down, making sure animals cannot get into it. Shut the door. Air flow in the rest of the place to keep fumes out of your breathing area. And keep that room cleaned out.

Keep counters cleaned, floors swept, and laundry done up and put away, and start in one corner and start there cleaning, and then work your way out. Even 20 minutes every couple of hours will go a long ways.

And if social services or AC is called, your animals will be gone ASAP, and you will be too, if what you are saying here is true. So get place clean now, while you can.

I don't know what all has gone on, is going on....none of us are close enough to help you, or to see the circumstances, so you are going to have to help yourself.

Quit crying and start doing something to change what you can. Tears aren't going to fix anything, or change anything.

While this is hard row to hoe, there are worse things out there. So you are just going to have to grow up and fix what you can. And you CAN fix the trashy, smelly, filthy trailer. So do it.

Have you applied for college yet...filled out FAFSA? If not you need to do that ASAP also.

Get busy changing your life, for whatever reason, based on what you have written here, no one else is going to step up to plate, so you are going to have to do it for yourself.

Horses make me a better person.
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post #4 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 02:07 PM
Join Date: Jun 2014
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I am assuming that since you are out of school, you are 18 or older. With that said, you are an adult and the rest of your life will be what you make of it. So, you can either sit back and whine about it or put on your big girl boots and make a life for yourself. If you dont like whats going on, then leave . Get yourself a job, work hard, and make yourself the life you want. Nothing in life is free
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post #5 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 02:34 PM
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Location: Italy
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I think that you not living with your parents is actually a good thing, at least this way you are avoiding physical violence. Just put all the trash outside and clean the trailer, there's no reason for you to live with trash around.

Try and find some good soul who would take in your animals. Some farm, equestrian center, whoever you deem trustworthy. Be clear with them that you might not come back for them in the near future. Adopt them out if it's the only thing you can do.

Then go away, and think about getting them back when you find yourself in a better situation. Call child care if you are underage, or just go on your own if you are 18+

Now, I don't want to scare you, but the situation you described about your mom is bad. Abusive men are known to escalate violence to levels that I'm sure you heard of in the news. There are shelters for women who have to leave their husbands. Support groups. Maybe if you work, you and your mom can go and live together somewhere. You don't do her a favor by not telling anyone. She's in a worst place than you.

I'm very sorry that your dad had to be like that. But what you described is the textbook picture of an abusive husband/father. He treats you badly and tries to make you think that you deserve it, that you are unworthy, tries to kill your self esteem.

Get away from this situation as soon as possible, even if this means giving away your animals.
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post #6 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NY
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I am 16. I have been throwing out the garbage. There is an 8 bag limit where I live and I already was able to clean out one entire room of garbage. I was not the one who piled the garbage up. My parents just threw everything in a pile...there is garbage from when i was a toddler...old toys and papers and junk takes up most of the room. One time i figured on cleaning and cleaning day after day till everything was perfect, but all that got me was intense ridicule from my father because he said it was a waste of time and I was stupid to try and clean it! My father also refuses to buy any kind of bug spray, cleaner, he will not provide me with anything concerning the trailer that I live in. I have mentioned to my mother us leaving, but she gets mad and changes the subject immediately! I would like to stay away at a college however the state said that i cannot get financial aid because my father won't allow me to give the fafsa any of his info...they just went on and on when i was on the college is going to be very hard for me. I keep trying to tell myself the situation is not all that bad.

"Anything you can imagine is real"
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post #7 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 03:40 PM
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Italy
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It's not that bad, in the way that you'll grow up and have a job and a house of your own. It's not like you will be stuck in this mess forever.

If your mom refuses to acknowledge the situation she's in, that sadly means that she's not ready to leave.

I don't really know how things are in the US regarding jobs and college, could you work somewhere, just to start making your own money? If you need parental approval for everything, and said parents don't do anything for you and don't let you do things yourself, seek help. It's two years to 18, what are you going to do in the meantime?

Anyway, know that what he says it's a way for him to feel important. He tells bad things to you because that's the only way he can feel superior. Don't let him hurt you in this way. You can and will do everything that you want to.
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post #8 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 05:58 PM
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Italy
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Oh, and learn to recognize signs of an abusive personality (on the web you'll find them all listed) and be careful with your future partners, you might end up with another one because his behavior sounds "normal" to you.
Be aware that the risk is high and if you realize that a relationship is not good for you, leave immediately, don't wait and marry the guy and end up with zero self esteem and an husband that you are too afraid to leave (short version: if the guy treats you badly but makes you feel that he is your only hope to be cared for, that's a bad sign).

I know that you are not thinking about this stuff right now, but you should know what to look for before you get involved in a relationship. Many women realize this years after, when leaving is so more complicated.
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post #9 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 06:13 PM
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I'm very sorry to hear of your situation Sevastian. Know that you are NOT ugly, trash, or worthless. You are a young woman who drew a bad card in life, no fault to yourself at all- and the grace with which you handle it makes you beautiful. I'm glad you haven't given up.

Can you get some sort of job? If you can, and if you have no other option for escaping this wreck, maybe you can talk your father into signing for you to become an independent at 16. It isn't the best situation, but that way you can do your own FASFA papers and get money to go to school. If you apply early, given your situation, you should get enough to leave for school and take classes. Then you can work as much as is possible alongside your classes so that you have money for food and such. If you go to a University, you can't have a car anyways during your freshman year, so you can use their shuttles to get around.

Your horses are the toughest part though. You'll have to give them up. You can control where they go if you sell them yourself- rather than leaving them for your parents. It is a HARD decision to make, and one that I made about 8 months ago. Sometimes it makes me sick to know that I had to give up my two beautiful girls, but I KNOW it was the right thing to do because they are getting care that I couldn't afford. My situation wasn't anywhere close to as tough as yours, but I am 18 and while I do live at home, I pay for everything that I use. I pay for my room, I pay for food, utilities, my car, insurance, gas, clothes, school books and tuition, etc. It was too hard for me to afford my two horses by myself as well. I found wonderful homes for them and their new owners understand my plight and update me frequently. I miss my horses...but I realize that in order for me to be able to own horses later on and be able to afford all that they need, I must deprive myself for now to get the education needed. That is what you have to do. You and you alone can get you out of the situation that you were born into. It isn't fair, but it is true. And then, when you are out with this situation behind you, when you have a good job after working so hard to get one, you can have horses again.

I wish that I lived near you. I would be your friend. You sound like a wonderful girl.

Everyone in your life is meant to
be in your journey, but not all of
them are meant to stay till the end.
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post #10 of 22 Old 07-16-2014, 06:41 PM
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Woodinville, Washington
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I know there are programs in my state that will care for your animals at least temporarily in situations like this. They work side-by-side with law enforcement because they have found that many people in abusive situations will not leave because they fear for their animals' safety.

Talk to law enforcement and voice your concerns and the reasons that you have not reported anything in the past. It is very frightening and hard to act when you are stuck in an abusive situation. Abusers are generally very good at making people feel worthless, unable to help themselves and deserving of the treatment they are getting. It is not an easy thing to break out of, but incredibly important that you do. There are people who can help you and you will need that. Unfortunately, those people are not going to be found on this forum. We can encourage, but cannot physically help you and that is what you need.

You are going to have to come up with the courage to step out of your comfort zone or you will remain in this terrible situation for the rest of your childhood and maybe even on to your adult life.
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