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post #21 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 01:00 PM
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Why is it that it is assumed that when we spank we are "out of control" "losing our cool" or "angry" ...

Spanking was a pre-arranged agreement. If I say (a) and you don't do it .. you get a spanking. If I say don't do (a) and you do it anyway .. you get a spanking.

There was not anger .. there was explanation .. and I can tell you that while I had one that woke up every morning and re-tested the rules, for the most part they knew exactly where the line was .. and what happened if they chose to cross it.

Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for .. he is playing your game and it's working for him ...

imo.

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post #22 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Joe4d View Post
Reminds me, I was walking to check out line at grocery store passed a book rack, One of the books was titled "Making Kids behave"... My x's pain in rear kid picked the book up showed it to me and asked if I thought the book would work, I flipped it over read the back, then hit him in the back of the head with the book,
"Yep I think this book will work great"
There's something a bit refreshing about this sort of statement.
Every time I listen to some saintly person who swears that they have never lost their temper with their kids, never yelled at them angrily or given them a sharp smack on the rear if it was called for I think it just makes the rest of us feel inadequate and guilty - or maybe we are the honest ones. Parenting is hard work and the little cherubs know too well how to push you to the brink
My father was ex military - he never once hit any of us (that was Mums job - though I dont recall ever getting smacked beyond the age of 5 so I think that a small tap when you are young is what it takes to produce a level teenager that understands boundaries. Amm my father ever had to do was yell really loudly and we all jumped to attention - yet he was the kindest most loving man, we just knew when enough was enough
Sometimes just the threat of a smack (that they know WILL be followed up) is enough to persuade most children that behaving is the better option.
A 3 year old climbing shelves etc is going to learn the hard way if he's not stopped - its a dangerous trick and shouldn't be allowed unless you enjoy spending time in the ER waiting room!!!
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post #23 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texasgal View Post
Why is it that it is assumed that when we spank we are "out of control" "losing our cool" or "angry" ...

Spanking was a pre-arranged agreement. If I say (a) and you don't do it .. you get a spanking. If I say don't do (a) and you do it anyway .. you get a spanking.

There was not anger .. there was explanation .. and I can tell you that while I had one that woke up every morning and re-tested the rules, for the most part they knew exactly where the line was .. and what happened if they chose to cross it.

Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for .. he is playing your game and it's working for him ...

imo.

My dad is a very gently person so when he told us we were going to get a spanking, it was like a funeral pall had descended onto the house. He would take us into the bathroom, he would sit on the toilet (lid down) and tell us what we had done and how ashamed of ourselves we should be, tell us to lay ourselves over his knee and then we'd get one or two swats. Then we'd leave and all our siblings would gather around to ask how it went and to offer condolences.

Spanking should never been done in rage. Should be swift and OVER when it's over. However, as I stated, with my first son, it totally backfired and gave him ammunition to fight back rather than making him think about HIS wrongs, or making him fear doing that wrong again. It deflected him from looking at himself and reinforced his vision of the world that he must fight back!
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post #24 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Joe4d View Post
well tell me how that fancy degree is working 9 out of 10 times with your spoiled son.
I can't figure this whole multiple quote thingy, so there'll be a few posts, LOL

Joe, I don't remeber saying I had a fancy degree. Maybe I did, if so, just ignore what comes next.

I have an Associates (2-yr)degree in Hazardous Materials, that took me 4 years to complete (I had DD in there). No fancy degree there.

As for spanking, my "issue" with it is this. How can I get upset for hitting (which I have), and then spank him (hitting him on the backside). The few time I have spanked for him hitting, it was immedietly followed by him saying "No hitting, hitting is naghty!) I don't do the whole "well I'm a parent, so that makes it OK" excuse. If something else is done, like the climbing of the fridge incident, yes he gets a swat as well as a time out.

My family had a long line of "spankers" and it got out of control, thankfully my Dad made sure that the family gene of spanking ended with him.

I'm not trying to be all gushy gushy soft on him, I'm trying to find that balance.

"Just because I don't do things your way, doesn't mean I don't have a clue"
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post #25 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by jaydee View Post
Since you mentioned how well behaved your son is at school (and thats a credit to you) he obviously understands respect and whats appropriate
I wonder if some of his behaviour that gets directed at you is a release thing - letting out all of that pent up 'naughtiness' he's had to hold on to all day? Could be he has a bit of resentment about pre-school and takes it out on you when he gets home?
I definately wouldn't put it passed him!!

"Just because I don't do things your way, doesn't mean I don't have a clue"
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post #26 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by themacpack View Post
I would say that part of the problem is that you have tried everything - too often we fall into the "throw everything but the kitchen sink" at the problem approach. With kids it almost always gets worse before it gets better and, unfortunately, that is the point at which many people decide, "This isn't working" and abandon the method. What they don't realize is that it IS working, the escalation is a sign of that, and that they are at the pivotal moment where, if they REMAIN consistent with the chosen method the child will realize that their escalation is getting them nowhere, mom/dad really means it, and they will start to come around to it. Even then, they are going to periodically test the boundaries (some more often than others) to see if mom/dad STILL really means it.
Words will have whatever meaning you make them have - including the word NO.
Yep, This is my prob. and i know it, LOL.

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post #27 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by busysmurf View Post
I can't figure this whole multiple quote thingy, so there'll be a few posts, LOL

Joe, I don't remeber saying I had a fancy degree. Maybe I did, if so, just ignore what comes next.

I have an Associates (2-yr)degree in Hazardous Materials, that took me 4 years to complete (I had DD in there). No fancy degree there.

As for spanking, my "issue" with it is this. How can I get upset for hitting (which I have), and then spank him (hitting him on the backside). The few time I have spanked for him hitting, it was immedietly followed by him saying "No hitting, hitting is naghty!) I don't do the whole "well I'm a parent, so that makes it OK" excuse. If something else is done, like the climbing of the fridge incident, yes he gets a swat as well as a time out.

My family had a long line of "spankers" and it got out of control, thankfully my Dad made sure that the family gene of spanking ended with him.

I'm not trying to be all gushy gushy soft on him, I'm trying to find that balance.
But you are the parent - you aren't his friend (in that sense) you are the one who sets the rules and that includes discipline. He's become far too precocious for his own good if he thinks he has the right to dictate to you like that at age 3. If he knows that there is no punishment for misbehaving then he isn't going to have a reason to not do these things. He's already proved that he wont listen to reason and things like 'time out' and removal of toys etc have no long term effect so you have got to have something else to wave in front of him that he sees as more intimidating.
I dont know what else to suggest but I see it as much for his safety as for your sanity that some tough love is called for.
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post #28 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 07:05 PM Thread Starter
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Just can't catch a break.

So I know I just started this thread yesterday afternoon, but I've made a consious effert since to be consistant w/ DS each time he "acts" up/whines. I've stuck with the two warnings, then a timeout each time (which has been my attempt up till now, I just would give more than 2 warnings). I've kept the warning brief & to the point, "You can't go outside right now, it's raining." To which the usual "Grrrrr, I'm going OUTSIDE!!!" response is screamed at me. To which I say, " I said not right now, it's raining. If you keep yelling, you'll get a timeout." Continued "Grrrring" and yelling from him to which I reply, "Since you haven't stopped yelling, you're getting a timeout. I know you want to go outside, but it's raining. And yelling at mommy is not acceptible". And DS sits in T/O for 3 min. lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

This morning and evening, I haven't had to get passed the first warning. Hey, I'm going to enjoy each baby step, LOL (I know it's to soon to know if it's made a difference).

NOW THE OTHER ONE STARTS ACTING OUT!!!

IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I KNOW IT!!!!!
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"Just because I don't do things your way, doesn't mean I don't have a clue"
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post #29 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by busysmurf View Post
So I know I just started this thread yesterday afternoon, but I've made a consious effert since to be consistant w/ DS each time he "acts" up/whines. I've stuck with the two warnings, then a timeout each time (which has been my attempt up till now, I just would give more than 2 warnings). I've kept the warning brief & to the point, "You can't go outside right now, it's raining." To which the usual "Grrrrr, I'm going OUTSIDE!!!" response is screamed at me. To which I say, " I said not right now, it's raining. If you keep yelling, you'll get a timeout." Continued "Grrrring" and yelling from him to which I reply, "Since you haven't stopped yelling, you're getting a timeout. I know you want to go outside, but it's raining. And yelling at mommy is not acceptible". And DS sits in T/O for 3 min. lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

This morning and evening, I haven't had to get passed the first warning. Hey, I'm going to enjoy each baby step, LOL (I know it's to soon to know if it's made a difference).

NOW THE OTHER ONE STARTS ACTING OUT!!!

IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I KNOW IT!!!!!
I am so happy you are seeing improvement - just don't let yourself get discouraged when you take a step (or two) backwards as he decides to test to see if you STILL really mean it - you can do this!!!!
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post #30 of 56 Old 10-02-2012, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks so much for the encouragement!!!

"Just because I don't do things your way, doesn't mean I don't have a clue"
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