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I've run out of ideas.

This is a discussion on I've run out of ideas. within the Parenting forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category
  • Why kids don't cry when spanked
  • Not all kids cry from a spanking

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    10-02-2012, 07:39 PM
  #31
Trained
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe4d    
well tell me how that fancy degree is working 9 out of 10 times with your spoiled son.
My "spoiled" son? You mean my six year old who remembers his pleases and thankyous, who is polite in every situation, is already invited into the gifted and talented program in his school (which is in a high socio-economic area, so full of kids that could go in there), who is caring and compassionate with his friends and with his little sisters? If that is spoiled, I will take it any day of the week. Joe - you don't know my son, you can only assume based on your own experience that my style of parenting "spoils" a child. Please don't assume that you know me, or him, I don't appreciate the slurs and won't tolerate it in the future.
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    10-02-2012, 08:27 PM
  #32
Started
My Psych teacher told the class last semester that, when dealing with children and them being naughty, if you don't make them cry (aka, give them a good spanking that brings tears to their eyes) then they won't never learn. I plan on living by that rule whenever I have kids because it's some of the best advice I've ever heard!
     
    10-02-2012, 08:39 PM
  #33
Trained
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaydee    
There's something a bit refreshing about this sort of statement.
Every time I listen to some saintly person who swears that they have never lost their temper with their kids, never yelled at them angrily or given them a sharp smack on the rear if it was called for I think it just makes the rest of us feel inadequate and guilty - or maybe we are the honest ones. Parenting is hard work and the little cherubs know too well how to push you to the brink
My father was ex military - he never once hit any of us (that was Mums job - though I don't recall ever getting smacked beyond the age of 5 so I think that a small tap when you are young is what it takes to produce a level teenager that understands boundaries. Amm my father ever had to do was yell really loudly and we all jumped to attention - yet he was the kindest most loving man, we just knew when enough was enough
Sometimes just the threat of a smack (that they know WILL be followed up) is enough to persuade most children that behaving is the better option.
A 3 year old climbing shelves etc is going to learn the hard way if he's not stopped - its a dangerous trick and shouldn't be allowed unless you enjoy spending time in the ER waiting room!!!
I just wanted to address this. Please note that I did not say that you should never smack your kids. I believe that is a parenting choice, and as long as you don't beat them, I have no problem with it. I have smacked my kids too. No parent is perfect, we all learn as we are going along.

To me, though, the op was looking for other options. I feel that if you are smacking your kids for every little misbehaviour (not saying anyone here is, using "you" as a general), then it will lose its effectiveness just like anything else.
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    10-02-2012, 09:19 PM
  #34
Green Broke
Being in a classroom setting as a teacher, or even out and about.. I would take Chiilaa's son before some kid thathas no respect for anyone else except his parent/s that spank him..and that's how a majority of kids who just get a spanking for everything will end up..The parent may spank their child but teachers and such cannot..so the kid doesn't take the teacher seriously because s/he can't punish the child as the parent would and because all the child knows as a discipline is a spanking..Time out and redirtecting can only go so far with those kids..So yeah, I'd take Chiilaa's "spoiled" son over the other kid any day..
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    10-02-2012, 09:42 PM
  #35
Yearling
I will say I'm not a big one on spanking unless as an ABSOLUTE last resort or for something that has crossed that line of just testing boundaries to down right brattiness (can't think of a better way to describe that line, LOL).

The kids that I see in my 9 yr olds class who's parents use spanking as the preferred method of discipline, are more commonly the ones that have little respect for others and following the rules. Of course this is not always the case, but it's just what seems like to me.

Ideally I don't want to be the type of parent that "over" disciplines (my in-laws), but also not the kind that friendship is more important than parenting (my neighbors). I want to raise them to respect the rules & authority, but also to think for themselves. I want them to be able to respectfully question things that feel need to be addressed.

It's just finding that balance for each child. Obviously what worked AMAZINGLY w/ one, is pointless for the other
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    10-02-2012, 10:02 PM
  #36
Super Moderator
Quote:
Originally Posted by Britt    
My Psych teacher told the class last semester that, when dealing with children and them being naughty, if you don't make them cry (aka, give them a good spanking that brings tears to their eyes) then they won't never learn. I plan on living by that rule whenever I have kids because it's some of the best advice I've ever heard!

I have to say that this is absolutely absurd. Make a kid cry? Is humiliation required? Some kids don't cry and you'd have to spank them pretty hard to make them cry and by that time, you are taking away all their self esteem and bringin humiliation upon them. Nothing could be further from good parenting. You do not need to grind them down to complete helplessness . Punishment needs to be fair and in keeping with the offense. And forgivenees immediate upon completion. I jsut don't know how to say this, but feeling the need to make a child cry to say that the spanking was good enough is simply not so. Your child might cry if you spank them. They often do, but it isn't a prerequisite to "effective spanking".
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    10-02-2012, 10:05 PM
  #37
Yearling
I'm not a mommy, (well, just to my horse!) so I haven't had the experience yet. But, have you seen the show Super Nanny? I love that show, and she is amazing at helping parents gain the respect of their young ones :)
     
    10-02-2012, 10:06 PM
  #38
Super Moderator
I read somewhere that the weakness of using spanking as a mainstay of discipline is that one: you are using your "big guns" on a daily basis. When they don't work, what have you got? Two: when you spank a child for something he knows is wrong, he feels that he has "paid" his debt, so to speak. He stops feeling any guilt about his actions. It is the expereience of guilt that makes people learn to abide by rules whether there is someone to police them or not. That is the development of morals. When you spank a lot, the kid can feel that they are no longer in "the dept of the person they wronged", but rther they "paid" with the spanking, so are free to reaffend at any time.

Does that make sense ?
     
    10-02-2012, 10:07 PM
  #39
Yearling
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyliny    
I have to say that this is absolutely absurd. Make a kid cry? Is humiliation required? Some kids don't cry and you'd have to spank them pretty hard to make them cry and by that time, you are taking away all their self esteem and bringin humiliation upon them. Nothing could be further from good parenting. You do not need to grind them down to complete helplessness . Punishment needs to be fair and in keeping with the offense. And forgivenees immediate upon completion. I jsut don't know how to say this, but feeling the need to make a child cry to say that the spanking was good enough is simply not so. Your child might cry if you spank them. They often do, but it isn't a prerequisite to "effective spanking".
You said it, Tiny! I was just going to leave that one alone, LOL.
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    10-02-2012, 10:07 PM
  #40
Trained
OP your son has your number and knows what he can get away with.
Any child that raises his voice to me gets reminded that I will no tolerate it. They don't do it again. I do not believe in cprporal punishment but my children to this day will not raise their voice to me, back talk, or refuse to do anything I ask.
First off I don't ask them to do anything I would not.
OP your son understands that for three minutes he has to be good then butter up to you and say I'm sorry. Yet not mean it. You set the rules you set the punishment you set the time limits for it.
If your horse refuses to move to the right, kicks at you or stands in your way you reprimand him without uses force. They get the picuture that you are in charge. They respcet you.
Sorry to say this your son does not respect you.
You earn respect by being consistent firm and fair. No 1,2, 3, now your in trouble. Nip it the first time. Harshly enough verbally to get his attention.
Shalom
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