The new woman in their lives..
 
 

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The new woman in their lives..

This is a discussion on The new woman in their lives.. within the Parenting forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

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        04-01-2014, 10:43 PM
      #1
    Foal
    Unhappy The new woman in their lives..

    I've just started seeing a guy that has 3 children from a previous marriage. (separated over 6 years ago) But I'm finding it hard adjusting to this new role.

    I feel perhaps it'd have been easier if I wasn't his first partner after his wife but anyway. I feel as if I'm a fish out of water and am worried about treading on any toes.

    The kids are great and seem to like me although I've only meet them twice so far. (He gets them once a week). I didn't want to meet them until he felt completely 100% sure on our relationship etc.

    Today the pair of them had coffee and a chat about allowing the kids to work their horses a couple of days a week rather than just the one day he gets to see them. Which is great and I'm really pleased about both him and the kids as I know how much they love spending time with their father.
    It came up in the conversation that she had asked the children if I was younger and prettier than her. Now is it just me or is this completely inappropriate? I just feel so awkward about this whole thing. I'm so nervous the mother is going to make it into a competition or something and I don't what that.

    I'm not trying to take the role of their mother or anything and am worried just by being with him that I could possibly ruin the chances of the children's parents getting along.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I feel like a dork putting all this on here but not really sure what I can do or how to act in this situation.
         
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        04-01-2014, 10:56 PM
      #2
    Green Broke
    Welcome to the forum! If it were me, I would stay as alert to the children's feelings as possible, putting myself second. I say this because it's the most unselfish thing an adult in your situation could do for kids who have been thrust in a different world, per say, than what they always knew. Just be casual, easy going, and don't try to hard to be their 'friend'. Just be there, and be you, and be more of an 'auntie' type person they know they can laugh with and talk to. Not an expert, but just some thought. :)
    apachewhitesox likes this.
         
        04-01-2014, 11:03 PM
      #3
    Foal
    Thank you. I fully agree with what you've said and I think that's what i've been doing. I think this is made easier by the fact I ride and compete for my job so we have a common interest. So we've just been riding together on the ponies and mucking around really.

    Perhaps I just worry and stress to much as to what other people think.
         
        04-01-2014, 11:06 PM
      #4
    Trained
    Maybe talk to him about it and see how you can become friendly (or at least not confrontational) with her. If he hasn't dated until now she might still feel a little possessive.

    As to the kids, I totally agree with what Northernstar said, you shouldn't be attempting to parent right now, or at least not any more than you would any other kid that you come across. Be friendly, interested, and respectful, but not pushy.
         
        04-01-2014, 11:13 PM
      #5
    Foal
    We'll she wants to meet me which is understandable and I'm fine with that, just unsure if it should be done around the kids or separately while they're at school or something.

    Maybe away from the kids would be best as she could be more open with me on her thoughts. Probably better on the kids that way anyhow.
    MN Tigerstripes likes this.
         
        04-01-2014, 11:43 PM
      #6
    Super Moderator
    Better to do on your own, without the kids.
    The mother should not be asking the kids to tell her all about you. It puts the kids in an awkward position. The kids should not be put in the position of "go between". (ask me how I know!)

    I would be as open as possible with her. The better relationship you can have with her, the better all will be. This will not be an easy journey, but it can be done.
         
        04-02-2014, 12:19 PM
      #7
    Green Broke
    I don't understand the point in meeting her. So she can see how pretty you are compared to her? So she can decide if you are appropriate enough to be around her kids? Your boyfriend is the one to decide if you're good enough.
    I've dated men with kids, not many because the grief wasn't worth it & I've only ever met the ex's in passing, say at an event.
    You're dating her ex-husband, not going for a job interview. I think if my new BF liked me, the kids liked me & I liked the kids that would be enough.
         
        04-02-2014, 12:46 PM
      #8
    Super Moderator
    That depend s , if the new girlfriend is becoming more of a fixture in the kids lives, then I think the ex wife has a right to see and meet who is "handling" her kids once a week.
         
        04-02-2014, 01:35 PM
      #9
    Green Broke
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tinyliny    
    That depend s , if the new girlfriend is becoming more of a fixture in the kids lives, then I think the ex wife has a right to see and meet who is "handling" her kids once a week.
    Fair enough.

    Now that you explained it I see I did the same thing when I refused to give an ex his dog.
    RegalCharm and tinyliny like this.
         
        04-02-2014, 02:08 PM
      #10
    Trained
    I agree, if I had children with an ex and they were going to be hanging around their GF regularly I would want to meet her and to open up the lines of communication about discipline and the like as well.

    If there are issues it helps to have all the adults backing each other up, otherwise it's way too easy for kids to play people off of each other.
         

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