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The new woman in their lives..

This is a discussion on The new woman in their lives.. within the Parenting forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

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        04-02-2014, 01:25 PM
      #11
    Trained
    I agree...
    For sure ask her out for tea or coffee after discussing it with your BF. Be sure to be the initiator and don't bring up anything the kids have said to you about her inquiries... Just mention how great the kids are and compliment her on a job well done (regardless if it's true).

    Have you been watching "Trophy Wife"? Hilarious, it came to mind when I read your post :).

    Just be you (which seems sweet) and open and you'll do fine. Good luck!
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        04-02-2014, 03:29 PM
      #12
    Super Moderator
    Ive never been the girlfriend in this equation, only the kid. And, I can tell you, that kids do not want to be put in the middle, they do not want to hear one parent's opinion of the other (ex spouse), nor of the new girl/boy friend. They just want to be kids.
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        04-02-2014, 04:24 PM
      #13
    Foal
    I've been this kid in this situation to and because of that I'm so worried about being the gf.
    I hated everyone of my dads gf's. (There were lots) so I hope that the kids don't feel the same.

    I too understand why she wants to meet me as if they were my kids I'd want to meet her. (Doesn't make me any less nervous. )

    And I probably wasn't clear in my first post but it was the ex wife who told my bf shed asked the kids, not the kids themselves. Which I think is more strange.
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        04-02-2014, 07:30 PM
      #14
    Showing
    When my father remarried several years after my mother's death, both were in their early 50's. My three brothers were still at home and this lady had never had children. She was one very smart lady. My brothers were my father's responsibility, not hers. And she did not ever pick up after anyone. My father ruled the roost when it came to a tidy house. If anyone had any complaints she told him to talk to his father. This worked out incredibly well. Don't let you bf turn the kids into your responsibility as this all to often happens, and you and the kids will be fine. The day he has them might be your time to go for a long walk, alone.
         
        04-03-2014, 06:47 AM
      #15
    Super Moderator
    Fortunately I have never been in the position. A good friend of mine, some years ago was and she received some very good advice.

    She met with the mother without the man there. At first there was animosity from the mother but, friend just kept being friendly and explained to the mother that she had no experience of children. If she was now to be the step mother then she felt it only fair that the children were brought up under the same rules and regulations and those rules were down to the mother to make as she was principal parent.

    This rather floored the mother but they agreed and have become firm friends with a common interest - the children.

    It has worked well, these children, now grown, have children of their own, they also have half siblings from both mother and father, they are always in each other's houses and always made welcome.

    It can work, the children have to be the main concern and should not be put in the middle, adult things kept out of their way.

    Oh, my friend became Aunty Mum, rather than just by her Christian name, something the children came up with.
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        04-03-2014, 06:55 AM
      #16
    Green Broke
    Inappropriate to ask? Yes.

    But is everyone perfect? No.

    Just put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You're in a relationship with a man she thought she'd have a life with. They had three children together, and for whatever reasons, they are no longer together. When you break up with someone after sharing that much together, its not an over night fix, then rip off the band aid. She probably has insecurities of her own, and perhaps finds it difficult to let him go completely out of her life.

    I would meet her on her own. I would want to meet the mother, if I was in that position. I know I wouldn't (if I had children) want my kids to be around a complete stranger. When you get a babysitter in, you meet them and see them interact with the kids.. why wouldn't you want to meet the new girlfriend? It sounds responsible to me.

    A dear friend of mine is in a relationship with a man who has a 7yo son. The mother won't let her be alone with the child, so if her boyfriend is working late, or on shift, everyone else in the family (his and the mother's) have to run around to make arrangements. This isn't because my friend is a bad person; she is fantastic with children. It's because she grated the mother the wrong way, they don't get along and the mother is being spiteful.

    Chin up. He is with you for a reason, and its going well enough that he wants you in the kid's lives.

    There is no right or wrong answer in these things, you just have to live and learn along the way
         
        04-03-2014, 04:49 PM
      #17
    Foal
    Thanks for all your advice guys it's really good hearing of other situations and how people have handled them.

    I went with my bf to the boys footy training last night and met the mother and her partner. (I was so nervous). Her and I shared some small talk about her business and my job etc. it seemed to go alright. I was just myself, that's all I can do really. Although it was pretty embarrassing when I was playing with the kids and slipped straight over on the wet grass. Haha the kids got a laugh out of it.
    My bf said he thinks it went well and keeps bringing up how his kids like me and he likes me playing with them.
    I had a bit of a cry on the way home though (I managed to hide it). No idea why perhaps it was a bit overwhelming? I felt like an idiot being a sook. Maybe it was just a bit to much for me, it's all happening so quickly.
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        04-03-2014, 09:16 PM
      #18
    Yearling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tinyliny    
    ive never been the girlfriend in this equation, only the kid. And, I can tell you, that kids do not want to be put in the middle, they do not want to hear one parent's opinion of the other (ex spouse), nor of the new girl/boy friend. They just want to be kids.
    I agree, so much.

    My bit of advice from also being a kid in this situation, is do not, DO NOT, try to take over the mother role. There is one reason why I respect my step mother so much. From day 1 she told me "I am not your mother, so I have no right trying to act like yours". She meant this in the way that she wouldn't be punishing me, controlling me, and basically trying to replace my mom. We still do mommy-daughter stuff, but she acknowledges the fact that my real mom is still in the equation.

    My Step dad, Mom, Step mom and Dad all can be around each other with no fuss. They usually all attend my horse shows, school stuff, etc. I think it all depends on the people involved though. Did your boyfriend have a bad ending with this ex? If so, I wouldn't even attempt to talk to her other than answering the door for her to pick up the kids. Now if they are on good terms, I don't believe it would hurt meeting her so you could go to the kids events and be around her comfortably.

    Just my 2 cents (:
         
        04-05-2014, 06:51 PM
      #19
    Green Broke
    While the advice to not parent is somewhat sound? At the same time you need to be an adult...and that means if kids are acting like village idiots at some point, you feel free to tell them to STOP IT.

    Granted, they may not push your buttons, may not be that type of kid, but too many get in habit of "I want to be a friend and will let dad/mom correct and I won't say anything when they break my TV" BS.

    If you would tell neighbor kids or kid relatives something, then don't hold back with this situation.

    And always keep in mind that what kids might tell you, might be the truth, twisted around, or an outright lie too. The "young/pretty" deal? Might have been nothing more than kids saying "I don't think she is pretty" or "I think she is really pretty" and Mom being preoccupied with something, or joking and saying "are you saying she is prettier than ME???" and cutting up too.

    My youngest married a man with 4 kids....the 2 middle are twins he had out of wedlock with couple of night stands with a druggie/thug/drunk....boy twin is messed up because of her, and mean seriously too. The oldest son and the youngest girl are the legitimate kids by his wife...(why she didn't shoot him I don't know) but when they get them, it is all 4 at once.

    And it has been pretty problematic too. Kids feel free to ask daughter "are you ever going to get out of college?" And loads of personal questions that in no way, shape or form would I allow. Daughter was waiting for their dad to say something....told her to look them dead in the eye and tell them GROWNUP BUSINESS! And then tell them to go find something to do.

    And you need to meet Mom, as if kids know the 3 (or 4 if she has married) are on same page, the kids can't play the two sets of adults against each other.

    Remember too, that when the kids are toting you a bone, they are taking one away. So watch what you say.

    You do not have to be a parent per se...BUT you are an adult and should expect to be treated as such, setting those ground rules in advance will help down the road.

    I've had one good WIL...or wife in law, as we called each other....but the rest? Were POS.

    I've been a stepmom and had steps as a kid, and have had steps for my kids too.

    Mostly it doesn't work out. But it can....if you have good sense, and stand your ground, and keep in close contact with WIL on matters pertaining to kids.

    This can be a wonderful opportunity for the kids to have several adults in their life that are behind them.

    The best of luck to you and all of them. I think you will do splendidly.
         
        04-05-2014, 07:39 PM
      #20
    Yearling
    I was a step mom for a while, with a teen boy and girl and preschool girl. The teens were being messy and taking advantage of me. Their dad was no help. When I told the boy to pick up the towels he left on the floor in the bathroom, he said " you're not my mother!".

    I said no I wasn't, that was true. In fact, I was not a mother or parent and that was fine with me.

    Wait, he said. What do you mean?

    I said, well, this means Im just a friend. I don't cook for you or drive you places you want to go or give you money for the game. Sou ds good to me! Let's just be friends!

    Big smile

    Hmmm he says. What if I want you to be my parent though?

    I'll think about it.

    Oh. Would it help if I picked up the towels?
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