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Serious advice needed. Very complicated situation.

This is a discussion on Serious advice needed. Very complicated situation. within the Parenting forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

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        12-21-2012, 11:52 PM
      #11
    Yearling
    Tiny is right if they do not what to know him so do not push let it go
         
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        12-22-2012, 01:07 AM
      #12
    Yearling
    As far as the age thing goes, I would say the sooner the better. Maybe just start by showing him pictures of the sperm donor and tell him he has another dad. As far as his "grandma", I might wait till he understands the grandparent concept, probably around 5 or 6.

    What you don't want to do is wait until they're older, like 17. And then casually mention his dad isn't his biological dad in front of the entire family. That doesn't go over so well, it causes a lot of issues that his future wife has to force him to deal with. Which can really put a strain on a new marriage. Just sayin;)
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        12-22-2012, 01:12 AM
      #13
    Yearling
    My brother and mom had a similar situation, with some significant details. My brother was home on leave as a young adult from the military and had casual sex with a friend (his words). She got pregnant with my smart, beautiful niece. He proposed and she said no because she felt like he didn't mean it. He said that if she turned him down he would not be involved as a dad because he had gone through the part time dad thing. In fact, my dad adopted my brothers since their real dad had no desire to be a parent.

    So, my mom said you can turn away from this child and I can't stop you or convince you otherwise, but I won't. She was a part of her life and so was I. I'm so glad we did! My niece even lived with us, in my room, while her mom was in boot camp when she was 6 mo old.

    Fat forward. My brother always stayed away with a few exceptions at my moms urging. Brother married and wife knew nothing until she finally asked questions about the baby and young girl in the pictures at my moms house. My brother and his wife are not nor have ever been close to our side of the family. Obviously this did not help. She was furious at my brother and us!

    Fast forward again. My niece was finishing high school and had little means for college. Her mother took my brother to court and got years of back child support and continuing support until she finished college. Once my brother had to pay, he became involved his two daughters were thrilled and adore my niece. They are the ones who loved her without hesitation.

    From the perspective of my niece: she always loved her dad. Those are her words. She loved him from far away. She is cautious around him, but glad to have him in her life.

    I have worked with kids as a teacher and administrator and I can tell you that most kids long for their parent no matter how naughty they are or have been. It's heart breaking to watch. From my perspective, tell your son about his dad. Explain that adults can make the wrong choices too. Never put his bio dad down. He will figure that out on his own. And tell the family, the whole family, that your son deserves to be treated humanely. The way this lady is treating him is cruel. And you will have to decide what to do. Sometimes you have to tell your family that you are an adult and you will not tolerate I humane treatment of anyone--your son, your husband, your self. I had to do that with my mom once, and she changed her ways to have us in her life. Adults don't have to tolerate this kind of behavior if they make a stand.

    Tough stuff, I know. But your son deserves better and so do you!
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        12-22-2012, 01:15 AM
      #14
    Yearling
    Sorry for the typos. Mobile devices are not good for long responses
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        12-22-2012, 02:21 AM
      #15
    Super Moderator
    Tiffany,

    I agree with you, however I jsut wanted to be sure that the husband, who put his name on the birth certificate, and I assume is living out the role of father to this boy on a day to day basis, does not get shafted. He should always be given priority if he really IS the heart father. I do totally agree with you in that one should never "dis" the bio father. We are all part of our parents and it hurts to hear our parents spoken ill of.
         
        12-22-2012, 05:22 AM
      #16
    Yearling
    Put the “grand mother” in her place and tell her to back off if that's what you want. If her son was too much of a selfish turd to take care of his responsibilities, and she supported him in this, she has no place doing this to you or your son, particularly if your husband has taken the boy as his son. My father was a pretty bad father and husband, it is something I have always despised him for, my uncle, my mothers brother, was ten times the father to me than my own father ever was; and though my parents devoiced when I was 12 so I knew my father, I'm more than happy to acknowledge that my uncle was more of a father to me, and I appreciate it more than I can ever tell him.
    One day your son might want to know his biological father but Its my guess he will hold your husband in much higher esteem than his biological father. The kid needs stability growing up, don’t let a pi#$y grand mother jeopardise that for him, you or your husband, tell her to back right the f^&* off. Sorry if this is a bit blunt or seems rude even, I don’t mean to be, especially to you, but its something that my experience growing up taught me to feel strongly about. I watched my mother struggle to just keep a roof over mine and my brother's heads, we didn't even have enough food sometimes, but I still can only find love and admiration for my mother for doing her best, and for my uncle for taking me in when it got too much for my mum. If the “grand mother” had no support for you when it counted and just wants to be the “grand mother” when it suits her that's pretty selfish and she doesn’t really give a sh&* about you, your boy and your husband. Tell her to bugger off.
         
        12-22-2012, 08:01 AM
      #17
    Started
    I think you need to call the grandmother up and sit down to discuss things. Just the two of you. Tell her exactly how you feel, and know before hand what you want to say and what outcome you want to achieve.

    You are a good enough person to want your son to have contact with his biological father - that's more than alot of people can say... but these things must be on your terms as you are the the parent who has been there for this child.

    I also want to say I am delighted you found a good man, who is obviously a good husband and father. As hard as it was at the time, you have obviously come out on the better side of things.

    Now who ate all the cake?????
         
        12-22-2012, 09:19 AM
      #18
    Green Broke
    Amen Anrewpl! I was wondering when someone would post about "grandma".

    I would tell Grandma how it is, Your son will not call her Grandma till she proves she has earned that right, Ditto to her worthless son, being known as dad.

    I would be glad your son has limited contact with these people during his formative years, they are obviously very a disfunctional family.

    Let mom and your uncle know the rules of the family gatherings, no discussions about your son's background. If they cannot comply, well hopefully you can stay away from them at the functions. Maybe they will not be invited again if they cannot respect your wish to protect your son, or you might have to decline the next invitation if she will be there.

    Hopefully your uncle will smarten up and dump the old bag.
         
        12-22-2012, 10:09 AM
      #19
    Weanling
    This grandmother can't and shouldn't have it both ways. She can't ignore the child and post about her "first grandchildren" on facebook and then expect to be grandma to your son at random social situations. Set her straight.

    I'm convinced family is the most joyous, painful and complicated thing we ever endure in life.
         
        12-22-2012, 10:11 AM
      #20
    Started
    Thanks everyone. My husband is the best dad my son could ever ask for. Most of his friends and extended family have no idea that our son is not biologically his. We were married prior to my son being born, he is on the birth certificate, he was beside me during the birth and cut the umbilical cord. He is a terrific father! And his family just adores our son! I couldn't ask for better. It's just something I know I'll have to deal with eventually and it sucks, this is the first place I've discussed it so be delighted I trust you all this much!
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