I know I used to have an account on these forums, but I don't really feel like digging it up again right now and I like the handle "Pineapples" better than whatever I had before anyways.
This is going to be long. It's mostly me ranting, venting, because I finally remembered that there IS a place where I can and people will actually understand. My rant boils down to:
I'm stuck too fat to THINK about riding a horse and all of my attempts to fix it have been met with no success.
My weight starts with a three. That's NOT good. I don't give a flying snuff about how I look, but of course I worry about my health. I am frustrated by the EFFECTS of my weight, and chief among them is that there is no way that I am getting up on anything but a freakin' Shire, and even that I am not so sure about. Okay, that's not chief among them -- that'd be my breathing problems -- but seriously, it's really high up there. I want to ride. My passion for horses wasn't a childish fancy. It's not going away. But I'm stuck leaning on fence rails watching OTHER people ride because I can't. It sucks.
But my attempts are just...unsuccessful. Recently, I stayed with my sister for four months in an attempt to lose some weight. I still live at home because I can't get a job because nobody wants to hire a morbidly obese highschool dropout in this economy, and my parents furnish the food -- which is substandard on a health scale because they spend about $250 a week on cigarettes and other assorted 'essentials' like beer and energy drinks. My older sister, seeing the pattern and being a nutritionist, was nice enough to try and help...but it just didn't seem to.
The sibling and I are BOTH very intelligent about eating. We know how to eat right. There's no sense dieting; all you're doing is setting yourself up for failure. I know how to eat: Lots of vegetables. Fresh foods. Beans. High fiber. Not many servings of red meat. It was ON. For four months. We didn't exercise religiously, but when you eat right, you don't actually have to, and when you've got all sorts of breathing problems like I do, it's not the best of ideas. My goal for six months was fourty pounds. NOT unreasonable, considering it was the first six months of a 'diet' and you lose more weight at first. I lost twenty in four months. Twenty pounds for four months of eating VERY well and exercising mostly-regularly, but more importantly, living an active lifestyle in which I spent several hours a day moving.
Yeah. Not so much. That's not right. I'm sure I've gained it all back since I've moved back home, and that's depressing, and I just...don't know what to do. I try to walk. I have a dog; we walk. But seriously, I walk four blocks and I can't breathe. Allergies. Allergies and I are very well-acquainted, and even as I type this I am having a hard time breathing in spite of the fact that I haven't actually done anything recently. I have a feeling it would clear up a little if I weighed about half as much as I do now -- which is my only goal, I'm not looking to be skinny, just healthy -- but I don't know how to get there.
I think my thyroid is out of whack. I used to be on medication for it, but now I don't have insurance, so...well, I haven't been to anything but the emergency room in a while, and it's not really plausible. I don't think I have diabetes (I haven't once passed out after forgetting to eat for fifteen or sixteen hours), just the thyroid thing, but...knowing that that is the problem doesn't help me any when I can't do anything about it.
I want to ride horses. I want to try out these ideas I read, see how far I can go on a good horse. I want to ride across America, because I can and because it's there and really for no other reason than that. I want to have a job so I can do these things. I just can't find a way out of this crap.
The only hope that I have is that they actually will file taxes this year and I'll be able to go to school. If I can get loans and get to school, maybe I'll have enough to get my own place. Other members of my family have had the chance to with their loans. Schools also have their own insurance, so, maybe I could get in on that.
I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless, and, being a control freak, that IRRITATES me and also scares me a little. Every time I try something, it fails, and failing is not something I accept easily. But I just don't know what to do.