When you feel like you have almost lost every thing, and no one is listening
I guess this is kinda a big rant of sorts, but I need to get this out!
Some of you may know that I sold my horse a few months ago. She was my first horse and I loved her so very much. I had owned her for 5 1/2 years. Did all her training myself, blah blah blah, you get the picture. In the end she was a very calm, level headed, trail horse. The only time I could really get her to move out was when I put an English saddle on her and put jumps in front of her. With me wanting to get into more speed events like barrels and stuff we were not a good fit. I ended up selling her to a really nice family that needed a good kid horse. I get updates with pictures, they love her. She got her happy ending.
I had planed on taking that money to buy a new horse. I planed wrong. My mom took the money to pay the closing cost on the house. She said she would pay me back. It's been several months and I haven't seen a single penny. Several horses that I really like and would have really liked to have gone out and looked at have come and gone.
Soon after I sold the horse my dad has now put my trailer up for sale. Fine with me we owe money on it, and I dont need it, never really did, it only holds all my tack.
Less than a month after I sold my horse, the dog I grew up with finally hit his time. I had to have him put down. I miss him so much, but it was cancer and there was nothing we could do.
A few weeks ago we re homed my 2 cats. I miss them, but I never did any thing with them. The male could open doors and he was keeping my dad up at night. They now live with a nice family that send me pictures on facebook.
My life revolves around animals, I can't live with out them. All I have left is my Jack Russell, and my mom has a cat. I surround my self with animals because I can't really say I have "friends" I have people that only like being around me when I just so happen to be around, but will ditch me the first chance they get. I don't understand why they do that. I try to be fun and happy around every one. I try to be welcoming. I try not be laugh at people when every one else is. I try not be the one causing the laughing at some one else's expense.
I have one friend that I've been friends with for over 10 years. She is now engaged, with a guy I don't like at all. But she's marrying him not me, (there is a whole list of reasons why I dont like him and it's not stuff I can share just know I hate him) I went to stay over at her house last week end. It turned into lets go hang out with my fiancé at the mall and you can sit there for 45 minutes while we make out. Then the rest of the weekend she was on the phone with him, or had me texting him so she could drive.
Other than her I have this one guy friend that I like to call the user. I've been "close" friends with him for 2 years. His girl friend dumped him at the beginning of the summer and they had been together for several years. He was rather crushed...and still is. He only wants me around or calls me when he needs some thing. I care a lot for him and I will always be there for him, but I can't take much more of him using me. I should be used to the way he treats me by now because this has happened so many time before. He views me as one of the guys. We will be hanging out and he will be staring at hot girls and then talk about there body's to me. :-x I also "manage" his band.
I'm almost 19 years old and had never been asked out ever! until 2 weeks ago.. come to find out all he wanted was sex. I don't believe in sex before marriage, and I don't like being viewed as a sex object.
I'm over weight, I'm 5,7 and 230 lbs. I know guys dont like me because of it. I know I'm not ugly, I'm not conceded or any thing but I know I'm not ugly. I'm just fat, so what, I don't look like a freaking tooth pick! I've tried to loose weigh but it just never happens. I dont get any support from my family. My dad calls me fat then takes me to Micky d's, instead of like I dont know eating at home?! He says that if the family is going out to eat I have to go eat with them, I cant stay home and eat. And God forbid I not eat out then eat some thing when we get home because it's "rude." He keeps junk food in the house all the time.
On top of all of that I'm home schooled. I spend most weeks some times months alone. I never get invited to any thing. I live on Facebook because that the only time I get to talk to people. My "friends" make fun of me because of all the time I spend on there. I try to stay off but it gives me panic attacks. I'm turning into a lunatic. I've become so bad that I have FB on my phone. I'm becoming hateful. I don't want to be this way but I can't help feeling like bashing stuff in. I feel like a prisoner. I cant have a job till I finish school and I don't have a car. My mom spends all her time doing school with my o so gifted little brother then doesn't have time for me. I try to do every thing I can on my own but I can't do every thing. I was supposed to graduate 2 years ago but I got behind because there is no time for me. My senior photos are due in a few months....still haven't had them done. not even an appointment.
I went for a walk with my dog deep into the woods, and I collapsed and cried harder than I have in years today. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. I tried to talk to my mom about how I've been feeling about all this. I've tried so many times. I don't even like talking to her any more because she never listens. Today she told me that I'm hard to live with and I'm draining her. My father told me I'm not getting another horse till I move out on my own, but he wants me to take the equine studies at the local collage. I want to go to school to be a dog groomer. He said he's not going to pay for it. Oh but wait...no job till I finish school! So he wants to waist my time and his money on some thing that I will never use. The other day he told me that the "gravy train" is going to end soon, and he's not going to pay for me forever. The economy is so bad here that I can't just go out and get a job. If I did he would kick me out any way because "I'm not fallowing what he wants for me" So no car and no place to live would be my future if I just went out and got a job. The rest of my family hates so they arn't going to let me move in with them. The only one that likes me lives in SC and she can barely take care of every thing she has to keep after. I'm going to go spend 3 weeks with her next month. For any one who remembers she is Stormy's owner.
I'm a mess, and so was that post if you read all that then...wow is all I have to say. Homemade horse cookies for you! Advice is appreciated
Dang thats longer than I thought it would be. O_O
Sonador, you may not quite like what I gonna say, but... I say it anyway.
First of all, noone can help you - you can only help yourself in this situation. Look at things more positively: you have a dog - that's awesome. :-) I'm not fan of FB, but lots of people enjoy it. Why not to make some local friends through FB you could go out with? There are plenty of people sitting on FB for the same reason as you do - they don't have real friends, or afraid to go out, or whatever else reason.
Look for clubs in your area. Like we have outdoor club that offer commuting in group when people go out (if you don't have a car). Also good for the health (they do walking and hiking).
Volunteer. Say in shelter, or feeding the homeless, or something else similar. You'll communicate with lots of people (who will be grateful for your help).
I'm not sure how religious you are but we have lots of activity going on in almost every church in area. Again, people are very friendly and happy to see you there.
To me it sounds like you need more communication with people at this point. So just make some effort for that (yes, it's not always come on first try, but just keep trying!).
Goodness I'm so sorry you're going through this. It makes me appreciate even more what I have. I can understand how you feel in a way though...
I;m only 17, and I don't know what to say or what advice to give, although I'm probably not qualified to give you any deep advice (I'll leave that to those who've lived a bit longer than I ;) All I will say is that hang on in there. Get your high school diploma, and take it from there. The economy is bad in your area, so maybe you can move to somewhere where it is better? Make yourself a new life? Not easy I know, but if you feel that the place where you live is a stagnant hole and has no place for your future, I'd get out of there. Maybe move to SC near your relative? Whatever you do, just make sure you get an education, because that will really help you be more independent.
Though I do agree with KV on the "try to get out more". If people don't come to you, just keep trying to go to them. Volunteering at places helps to meet people. It's hard but you need to try and gather your life and make it what you want to be. There is always some way, not necessarily an easy one, but there is.
but here's a big hug! ... to help bring your spirits up! :)
All I can do is offer you a cyber hug and let you know that if you need a chat with someone on the other side of the world that won't pass judgement, just yell out.
I had a lot of problems with my mum growing up, depression, anxiety. There were times as a young teenager that I went so far as self harm as I felt that was the only way I could get some kind of release from the mental pain I was feeling. Like you, I surrounded myself with my animals. When my beautiful wb mare broke her leg one day, and I'd saved for years to buy her, I was utterly torn and ended up living with one of my school teachers for a while because I couldn't handle being at home.
Know that there is someone on the other side of the world, really feeling for you today
Yes, I should of add in my original post, but if you ever want to talk or share something I'll be happy to via PM or email. :) (I'm older than you though.... lol!)
Sorry, I posted at the same time as KV.
She is 100% correct. At the time that I was really struggling, I thought I needed other people to hold me up and get me out of the hole I was in. I'd be in with student councilors continuously, and for years, I felt like I'd be like that forever.
What REALLY helped me, was when I started making myself independant. I started up my art business, which gave me a sense of achievement. I worked my backside off and did really well in my final year of school. Then I went an applied for every job I could find.
I saved and saved and saved and saved, met my current partner through work (we have been talking about engagement recently as well) and have been with him for nearly 4 years now. I went and started my introductory coaching certificate and started coaching and training horses with a local instructor. Managed to get a lot of rides on some pretty nice horses and ended up getting onto the state dressage squad and offered a place to train in Germany and Denmark.
I set myself for having wins, and each win I had, my confidence in myself grew. Now I respect myself, I like who I am and I can say that I am really proud of what I have achieved. I have just managed to pay off a $10 000 yearling, and wow, do I feel proud to have done that. Now I know that I have a very good quality horse sitting in my paddock, and I have two years to save more money, get more experience etc.
I would strongly recomend that you start setting yourself some goals. Start with small, easily achievable goals, and write them down. Write down the steps you are going to take to achieve them, and then mark them off as you get through them. It will make you feel so much better to have some wins - I promise :)
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my dog. He is what keeps me going.
FB is evil. I know it is. I've deactavated my acount several times trying to get my self off, then I dont talk to people for a long time and end up getting back on. I've been getting on it less and less laitly, so thats good.
I live in the woods, I'm actualy 20 minutes from and town, and an hour from ocala. So other than walmart there isn't any thing to do around here but ride. We have some really amazing riding trails. unfortunitly no one rents out horses around here. There is one place at the end of my road but the lady that runs it doesn't like us. (her dog bit my brother, she has already gone to court over that dog and he is saposed to stay in a fence. He didn't break skin so we had no proof so we didn't do any thing about it.)
I actualy work for 2 rescues but the one is no longer rescuing because of money. The other I don't really work for. I just train a few of the dogs. They havent needed me in a few months though.
The churches in the area arn't really that active. I've been in and out of several the past few months. No one there my age. Back when I would go to youth groups I had a lot of problems with the kids. They dont want to hang out with the horse girl. :/ I don't really care about fancy cloths and makeup so I guess I just don't fit in. I always got along with the adults. I've moved away from those churches though.
In to weeks though I'll be going to a Jack Russell Trial! I can't wait. I've missed the past few. I love watching the dogs run, dig, and track. The rats are funny 2. They like to taunt the dogs.
I have been going on walks a lot laitly 2. Hopefully it will help me loose weight.
I try not to be so negative. I'm usualy a happy person, just a lot of stuff in a short amount of time I guess.
Thanks for reading all that!
thats awesome that you have achieved so much!
I have actualy just picked my bass guitar back up a week ago. So far thats what I'm try to set my goal as. I will learn to play that evil thing!
Ok Well really all you have to do is think about whats important, if you want to go to college for something other than what your father wants then you do it. There are plenty of ways for you to pay for college without their help. There are scholarships, grants, student loans. I suggest going to see an admissions and finacial aid councelor at your prefered school. They also have dorms and work study. You can live and learn and work on campus and you would be completley self sufficient. I know what you mean by needing your animals around you as they are your friends and part of your family. Im blessed to have a great human and animal family. Im 22 and married. My family has owned horses, cattle dogs and such since before I was born they know how much the animals mean to me. Just keep thinking that once you get out of their house, into college and having a job then you can buy a horse, buy more animals to your hearts content. I know that may be easier said than done in this days economy but just remember, only the rocks last forever. You have total control over your fate.
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