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MNCOWGIRL 10-25-2011 09:04 PM

Just want to scream
So Im married to this amazing cowboy, the love of my life, we have been married for four months. We have 5 kids living with us, the older three boys are not ours by blood they are adopted from my husbands previous marriage, he got custody of all five kids when he divorced her butt because she is mentally unstable, he was in the army and over in Iraq. She had the three boys from her previous marriage and he divorced her as well because he found out what a manipulative nut case she was. Well when my husband was married to her before he met me he went over seas like i said. While gone She beat all 5 kids ( he had two little ones with her before he realized how terribly vile she was) she cheated on him, let her boyfriend beat the kids, took all the money he earned from the military and got breast implants. After that she and her boyfriend abandoned the kids, just packed up and left one day without a word. My husband divorced her, and met me a year later. We are extremley happy. Other than the fact that SHE keeps sending crap in the mail, keeps calling the kids and acts like she did nothing wrong. I can honestly say I have never ever hated someone more in my life than this woman. The older boys know what she did but only the oldest wants nothing to do with her. The other 4 only do because she sends them junk. Because she is trying to buy them off after the crap she pulled and they are eating it up like candy. It makes me want to scream! I wish these kids could see what a horrid woman she is, she may have given birth to them but she is no kind of mother. The two youngest do call me mommy and mostly have forgotten her but now and then when she sends mail it sends me into a tailspin because thats all they can talk about for the rest of the night. I know its not my husbands fault, he admits to being a dumb country boy stuck in the city where he met her when he was stationed there for military. He regrets everything except the kids. I love these kids as if they were my own, it just hurts when that happens. Like they forget that im the one who holds them when they wake up at night crying from a nightmare. Who told them they have nothing to fear. these kids used to hold their hands over their ears with loud noises because thats what the older boys taught them to do while My husband was over seas because she would scream at them. Im the one who taught them how to read, kissed their booboos. Sang them to sleep and tucked them in at night. I love my husband and the kids so very much. I just wish there was a way to ignore her forever. To not let her get to me. She is manipulative, abusive and likes for people to hurt. Anyone have any suggestions?

tinyliny 10-25-2011 11:07 PM

What a very trying situation you find yourself in. If your husband has custody of these boys, can he not set limits on what and if she sends things to them? Does she have visitation rights?
If she does, then he will not be able to control what she gives them .
Unless he can get his ex to agree. Does she pay any kind of child support? If not, then it seems your husband should be able to severely limit her contact with them.

The problem is, if you are too opennly critical of her, the children will suffer. The know that THEY are part of HER, and when you "dis" her, you dis them. I am not saying she doesn't deserve to be critisized, but it is only natural that the children will find themsleves in the place where they might feel obliged to protect her or take her side.
If you can do things with them that doesn't put them in the middle of you two and the icky mom. Try very hard to keep your disagreements private.
Say nothing about that woman. nothing.

Continue being the real mom to them. I bet they know who is the real mom. But if you try to win them to "your" side by either pointing out the faults of bio mom, or trying to point out your good points, you will drive them into a corner.


child of divorce

MNCOWGIRL 10-26-2011 08:52 AM

No I do not critisize her in front of them, I dont even talk to them about her. Yes he has full custody but she has reasonable visitation rights wich means in a social workers office during business hours. We cant control what she sends in the mail. Luckily she lives too far away to be a bad influence on them. She only sees them once or twice a year. For me that is good because of what she did, but yes it does break my heart that she is such a terrible woman and that these kids have had to go thru such hell. She is supposed to pay child support but doesnt. She is such a manipulative person that sometimes we just have to give in because she just wont stop and if we try and fight her she tries to make our lives a living H E Double Hockey Sticks. Sorry dont want to swear on here more than once. She lives in another state so doing things with just us is pretty easy. Its just those days when a box comes in the mail or she calls on their cell phones. Which by the way is another story. She bought them phones and then blocked our numbers from them so that we cant get ahold of them. We are their guardiens not her and what if something happened? SO we had to get them trac phones. Obviously not as nice as the ones she bought which i have no idea how she did because she has no money. But they lose them all the time. Luckily the phones have an app with which they can text us on without the numbers blocked. Its ridiculus.

MNCOWGIRL 10-26-2011 08:52 AM

Thanks by the way.

gigem88 10-26-2011 09:04 AM

Those are lucky kids to have a mom like you! I have a lot of respect for you and what you are doing. Try not to think of the now, focus on later. All those times you held them, kissed their boo-boos, sang and read to them, etc. will not be forgotten by them. When they are older, they will realize just how much you loved and cared for them and their "mother" did not. As hard as it is, I agree about not bad-mouthing their "mother" in front of them. Kill 'em with kindness is what my mom always said! Maybe you can find a local support group or church group that you can talk with?

kitten_Val 10-26-2011 09:11 AM

Can you just trash that mail? Or at least check it before giving to kids?

iridehorses 10-26-2011 09:40 AM

Concerning the phones - either get your number unblocked or get rid of the phones - you are their parent not her - she just gave birth to them. With the phones like that, she has total access to them without you having any control. There is no way in God's green earth that I would allow that.

As for the lack of child support - I would seek to have any visitation rights or any contact what-so-ever, severed until she is caught up and pays regularly and on time.

mls 10-26-2011 10:22 AM


Originally Posted by kitten_Val (Post 1212398)
Can you just trash that mail? Or at least check it before giving to kids?

I agree. Or give her suggestions.

Tommy could really use a notebook for math class, Jimmy likes green shoelaces in his sneakers.

Remember - any new thing for a kid is a treat. It wouldn't matter if it was something she sent or the toy from the happy meal. The day to day interaction with you and their dad is what they carry in their hearts.

MNCOWGIRL 10-26-2011 11:44 AM

I do go thru the little ones boxes but not the boys because she tells them everything that is in it when she sends it and we dont want to make them mad at us. Id prefer them to throw it all out if they dont want it from her. they have before. Not all the time tho. The phones really made us mad, still do but now the boys found an app on their phones that bypasses a block and they can use that app just to text us. Not always efective because it doesnt tell em when they recieve a msg. They have to check it all the time. And I suggested we sever any communications with her until she pays us what we are due, my husband is at work right now so hasnt been able to text me back. But that is a very good idea, one I would love to have happen. The phone thing we are trying to ignore because she is like a bull terrier when she wants something, she will not stop no matter what you do. She is stupid, seriously we try to keep it civil just in case she tries to take us back to court for some reason, we save all emails (thats the only way we allow her contact with either of us because we hate her and dont want her calling the house phone or our cell phones with which she has gotten my number before and started text harrassing me. So we blocked her number) But anyway she doesnt know when to stop, so we just ignore her even when she calls us terrible names. I really need something to do to get rid of all the bad energy. Right now my husband and I rent only five acres and house so my horses have to stay at my parents where they have 200 acres until we can buy a bigger place. Yes they are only a half hour away but with 5 kids and stuff its not always easy to get away when you dont have day care.

TaMMa89 10-28-2011 07:00 PM

At first - I'm really sorry for the current situation. That must be very, very tiring and even I'm not sure your local laws, at least over here things like that would be pretty difficult to stop.

If your husband has full custody, how about contacting the authority which takes care of issues related to custody and everything else which comes into picture after divorce and finding out your possibilities to limit connection even more with the biological momma? Can you get rid of the cell phones? That sounds like the first step to do if she harasses the kids via them and you can't interefere in that.

Stay strong there. I'm sure that these kids will once be very grateful to you for being there. May the mom's way to act is straight from inferno but I agree with Tiny; she's still part of them so I'd still try to stay neutral toward the mom in front of the kids even it sure must be very hard thing to do.

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