Irritated about records for adoption
I dont know where to put this or what much to say, except Im adopted and I have been trying to find my birth parents for the last 10 years or so.. I have almost every bit of information someone could know except my birth last name or my parents names.. I know what hospital I was born in, the time, my size, weight, even my apgar score.. but you think I could call the hospital and find out.. no, they dont have computerized records before 1990..aarrgh, I have contacted the state, and they were no help.. I drove 3 hours to the state office that handles all of it and they couldnt do much for me.. I found a match today on arcives that I thought may have been me.. exact match..but they wanted me to pay to see the record.. which we did, ummm born 5 years before me and died in 1998... geez is it always this hard.. I mean I have a stack of paperwork 6 inches high about everything I need to know except names.. and all I want to do is find out who they are.. I dont even know if I want to meet them, I just want closure if possible.. I was told my birth mother is dead from my adopted parents.. but im not sure until I have proof.. this whole thing is just frustrating and I need to vent:evil:
You really need to talk with your adoptive parents. Won't they want what is best for you? You think they are lying to you, it seems. if so, why? There must be a reason. REally, shouldn't you speak honestly with them about your feelings and need for "closure"?
I also know they kept in contact for the first few years I was alive.. but they dont remember her name.. so I think im on my own.. and they are not going to help me in any way.. even though I wish they would
Have you considered there might be a reason they aren't telling you that they may consider justified to spare you pain or shame? For example if your birth mother was a criminal, prostitute, insane, or otherwise had a life or lifestyle that might bother you. I'm just speculating, of course, but there is certainly some underlying reason they aren't telling you, and it may be that they consider it in your best interest...whether they are right or wrong is another matter, of course...
I would agree that there is some reason your adoptive parents do not want to tell you your birth mother's real name. With all good intentions, I believe they are trying to protect you. Like Faceman said, whether this is right or wrong, that appears to me what seems to be happening. I also understand your frustration as I surmise from your post that you are older and probably should be given the information at this time in your life.
There is no easy answer to this and there seems to be alot going on. I would suspect though too, that even if you find out the name, the closurer won't be there that you are seeking. It will only bring on a whole new set of emotions. Yet, if you are determined to know, I think the core is to know why your adoptive parents do not want to share the information that you want. I also think it is important that you work with your adoptive parents and as Tiny said, talk openly with them. Maybe you could meet with a professional (counselor) and they could help mediate some kind of meeting between yourself and your adoptive parents. Perhaps a mediator can express your deep desire to know your background. Also they may ease your adoptive parents fears over revealing your birth mother's true identity.
I do wish you luck and hope for the best.
I am also adopted and have been searching for my birth mother for years with absolutely no luck. However, my situation is different than yours, as my adoption was handled by a private attorney who has since been disbarred. I have sent him money to retrieve my records 3 times now, each time he cashes the check and says he cannot locate the records. I'm done. I spent 15 years looking, and I've decided not to look further (I'm not suggesting for you to stop looking, it's just what I've decided to do for myself).
You can petition the courts for the information you are looking for, it is a time consuming process but you should be able to get all of the records and information you are seeking.
I was going to suggest it was closed adoption and the records were sealed but if she said to contact you then I guess not...if your birth Mother did in fact have "shameful life" as Faceman suggested your parents don't really have the right to decide for you that you not meet her as an adult. I think your parents should at least TELL you their reason for not helping you find your birth Mother.
I am a foster parent, so while my experiences are not completely relevant, they are within the same ball park at least.
Does your paperwork show if you were adopted through Children and Youth (or equivalent name) for the county, or was it a private agency, private agreement etc?
In most situations (almost all) adoptions are done through the county court system, unless it was not an official adoption and a family member just raised the child as their own.
You said that you contacted the State, I wouldn't expect much help from them, as it is all handled on a county level. You need to start with finding out which county handled the adoption and then go to the court there. Even with a closed adoption they will often pass your info along to your birth mom so she can contact you if she wants to.
Adoption.com is a huge resource, and it has a forum/message board. There are many people there in your situation, as well as birth and adoptive parents. I am sure that they can give you more advise than we can here.
Faceman stated that it could be that your adoptive parents are protecting you, and that could well be the case. I would recommend that you prepare yourself for that. I have had several kids who were the product of prostitution, and they are completely unaware of that, and believe their dad passed away - and I think in the interests of a relationship with mom, this might be for the best (of course it's not my decision to ever make anyway).
Assuming you are an adult now though, any background your parents might have had could well have changed. I just don't want you to go expecting a fairy tale.
I frankly don't believe that your adoptive parents don't remember the last name or the county the adoption happened in. I believe they are probably lying for a reason though. They are scared to death that you will move on and will not feel they are your parents anymore, or they are protecting you. Regardless of their reasons, this needs to be talked about, calmly and in detail with both sides hearing each other. If you think this might be hard to do, it might be worth putting your feelings in writing and rereading and editing them. Your adoptive parents deserve that from you.
Best of luck to you. But please remember that your adoptive parents wanted you so badly they chose you, specifically you.
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