I'm going for treatment... Bullying. *Slightly long*
This coming weekend I will be going to a psychiatric clinic to help me overcome depression, cutting, and an eating disorder. Let me tell you my story...
I am almost 18, my birthday is in May. I am a Matric (senior) at a private school, where I have been all my life. For close on 12 years I have been bullied, constantly about my speech, as I have a stutter, or my weight. When I was young I was quite heavy, now I weigh 53kgs, but I still have a large stomach which I am now teased for. I don't have many friends, because of my stutter, and I am not cool, so if anyone were to be seen with me it would be just awful for their social ratings. I do not do orals in front of my classmates, because there is constant giggling ans mocking when I do, nor do I answer questions in class or read an answer aloud. This was the best solution my teachers could come up with to help me, and while I am very grateful, it added a new problem... I then got accused of having "special treatment", and that made me even more of an outcast. I became very subdued, and only spoke when spoken to, and tried to answer with the least amount of words as possible.
I was constantly told that I am a liar about everything, and that I was fat and ugly. This was repeated so many times that I eventually began to believe it, so one day I went home, and smashed all the mirrors in my house with my bare hands to avoid looking at myself. I had to have 4 stitches. I felt so ashamed of myself, and took to wearing big baggy clothes to hide myself. I had so much emotion built up inside, but I felt as if I couldn't tell anyone, so as an outlet for that emotional pain, I began to cut myself. Over the years I have made 168 cuts on my left arm, and 36 on my right. This helped in a way; my pain was now something I could feel, and if I could feel it, I could handle it. I was diagnosed with severe depression, and was sent to a psychiatrist for two months. It helped a lot, and I began to get better. But then the bullying would begin again. That was when I started my eating disorders.
I first began starving myself, and was diagnosed with anorexia. I wouldn't eat for days, making up excuses and lying to my mom, telling her that I wasn't hungry or had already eaten. I lost a terrible amount of weight, I went from 74kg to 32kg, and had to be hospitalized. I never fully recovered, but was discharged. From then on out my mom would force me to eat, literally keeping me at the table until all my food was gone, watching me to make sure I ate. But that was when I started making myself throw up. I didn't want to pick up weight, I didn't want to be fat... I was constantly pale and sick. My mom was (and still is) so worried about my frame of mind that she took to restraining me to my bed at night, so that I couldn't harm myself. Some nights even now this is still the case.
All of this has been going on since I was 13. I have been suffering at the hands of bullies, mentally, physically and emotionally for close to 5 years. I still have an eating disorder, I still cut myself, and I am still considered to be depressed. But with the help and support of my friends (what few I have left) and family, I am going into rehab. I have made the decision to better my life. I am going to get help, and I am going to be okay. Doing what I did was not the answer to my problems.
That is my story. And I hope that people realize that their words hurt. Words leave scars, and can really hurt someone. I would know. Bullying is not a joke, it is not a funny activity that you can do with your pals to that person sitting over there. It damages a person. I will never be the same. I weigh 46kg, which is still not as healthy as it should be. I take 7 tablets every day to keep myself calm and okay, and I will always be covered in scars. So to every person going through this, believe me when I say that it is not the answer. Go get help, go to someone you trust, it will be worth it in the end.
My heart goes out to you and it is very good that you are doing something for yourself! My prayers will be with you. Keep your family and your horses close.
LoveStory.. this is a really personal thing to be posting over the internet...are you sure you want to?
However, know that you aren't alone.
And the psychiatric hospital will help.
Your post is like reading an extract from my own life book. The scars will fade over time, mental and physical ones. In the end, it made me a better person because I know there is no way I could EVER treat another human being the way I was treated.
Keep your head up, and know its not the be all and end all. The people that are doing this will discover they are in the wrong. It may be in 10 years time, it may be on the death bed, but around 80% of the people that broke me down have apologised sincerely over the last 2 and a bit years.
I'm waving the banner here for you, get yourself better, get your head clear and I hope all goes well for you x
Lovestory, you are a brave girl for sharing your story. I've got very close family that has been through what you have, while I've not myself, I certainly understand the anguish that it can cause. Be strong and do what you have to for yourself. You've got my support and prayers!
I am so sorry you are having to go through this nobody should have to go through the things you are. It makes me sick that their are kids out their that are that cruel it makes mad at the parents because it is obvious they are not bringing them kids up right. I was also bullied in school because I was shy and kids thought I was "retarted" I still am shy, but no longer affraid to confront someone. Lovestory PLEASE dont let these kids win and remember YOU are the better person. I have never met you and have never seen you, but from your writing on here I can tell you are a kind and beautiful girl. Dont let anyone make you think differently.
I think you are terribly brave to have tol your story. Remember that you are just as good as anyone else.
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I am very happy for you that you are taking this step. At the risk of sounding old.... you have such an amazing life to live and you are just beginning.
Thanks for sharing your personal story.
Thank you everyone. It's going to take a while before I'm fully healthy again, the doctor wants me to pick up another 6 to 7 kgs before I'll be at a healthier weight.
I know it's very personal, but I am going to get over all of this, even if sometimes while using scissors I get the urge to cut, or feel like purging my dinner. I will be okay. I just hope that my story can help someone else out there that may be going through the same thing.
Girl, you're in the same boat I was in a few years ago, but I never has hospitalized.
I wasn't bullied (except for a few hateful people), but replace that with an alcoholic dad.
My arms are still covered in scars that I'm so ashamed of. I always wear a jacket because when I get cold they glow like light bulbs.
I was bulemic for two years. My teeth show the wear and tear of that.
I have never been big-- not even slightly, which is why everyone that knew thought I was crazy for doing it. But the binge-purge cycle made me feel in control. It was like, "Hey, my dad may never stop drinking, etc, but I can control what goes in my body and what comes out. It's my body, I'm in control." It was a stupid cycle, but it made me feel better....temporarily.
But you're completely right-- none of that helped anything. All it did was make my family and friends scared for my life.
What ended up helping me was meeting someone who loved me unconditionally just the way I was. I met my Tyler (my now-boyfriend of over 3 years), and my problems slowly but surely went away. I'm definitely not saying a man will fix your problems, that's usually the opposite case. :rofl: I'm just saying what helped me was finding someone who loved me for me.
I never have the urge to cut anymore, but the desire to binge-purge can still be pretty strong sometimes. Although I'm happy to say I haven't done it in nearly two years.
So know that you're not alone. Many girls (and boys!) have been in your situation, and they made it. :D
I wish you the best, girl. We're all rooting for you.
ETA: This is a commercial that airs in the U.S., and I just love it.
** Working on a link!
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thanks for sharing your story, i know it will help someone.
stay strong and know i have you in my prayers
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