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AnalisaParalyzer 06-18-2012 03:34 PM

tips for late stage dementia and alzheimers
 
Forgive me if my spelling in the title is wrong, I'm exhausted.
For the past six months I've been taking care of my business partners parents. Her father is 91, with diabetes, Alzheimer's, and no respect for women (no really, I've been called "the little house b***h" more than I care for) her mother is 82 with dementia, and an attitude a country mile wide.

They are both on the appropriate meds, under 24/7 in home care (either myself, my bf, or my business partner are always here) and all safety precautions that can be taken, have been.

But how on earth do I stop them from being so violent and nasty? Mimi, the mother, will do as she pleases (be it walking in on your man in the shower, or dumping sweet tea over the roast in the oven that you've just spent hours preparing) and when you ask her not to, or ask her why, you are ignored until you yell, then if you yell, you get a cane over the head, or a ht cup of tea scalding your lap, or a bite to the arm because your in the way. I don't want to confine her as punishment, but once she gets going its like a full on 90 lb four year olds tantrum. And I cannot for the life of me figure out a way to prevent this.
Then there's papa. He'll call me names as soon as look at me. He's hit the dogs, he hits when you try to pick him up when he falls, he hits when you walk to close. For the first month, I spent more time making sure I was out of hands reach because he kept slapping my butt, than I did anything else. The first time he did it I yelled at him and he laughed in my face. The next time, Slapped him and my bf got in the way before he could get at me. Now he ignores me when alex is home, which is the only time I get any relief. I cannot get him to shower without having alex physically cary and drop him into it and he struggles the whole time, even after TWO WEEKS of not bathing. He throws his food at me when he doesn't like it (only happened twice, then I got a list of things he doesn't like from his daughter) but he'll throw it when he doesn't want any more either.

And lately, he's taken to getting up in the middle of the night. Like, two am in the middle of the night. The first time, he tried to steal alex's truck. Broke the rear view mirror, the center console, the side view mirror, and some decorative stuff alex had around. After that, I took to leaving a can tied to his door knob that wakes me up when he gets up. But even at two in the morning he'll try to push me over or out of the way and ignore me. And he'll be up at two, two thirty, three, four, four fifteen, five, then he's up for the day, and I'm exhausted. Like today. I'm at my wits end.

On top of this I'm still trying to get all the construction on the barn to code, was just diagnosed with ckd, they just changed all my other meds, and I'm trying to find a way to move. Ughhhhh.

I just want them to be less violent, and maybe find a way to occupy them better so they don't think to be so mean. They were both apparently the picture perfect elderly couple until about a year and a half ago, then they started getting like this.

And before everyone goes off on the "your allowing it" tangent, how exactly do you safely restrain a ninety year old 120 lbs bigger than you without it being some kind of "mishandling" or "abuse"? How much do I blame on the diseases and how much is just clever old man? You can't make someone want to do right, can I at least make him no try to hit or push? Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated, everybody in this house needs a little less tension!
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Speed Racer 06-18-2012 03:39 PM

Maybe it's time to stop trying to do in-home care, and let them both go to a nursing home where they have the ability to care for them around the clock.

Once an Alzheimer's or dementia sufferer gets violent, it may no longer be feasible to keep them at home. They can and WILL hurt you, and it has nothing to do with you 'allowing' them to do it.

Not sure why your business partner hasn't considered sending them to a home, but it's obvious the care of her elderly parents is too much for you to handle.

attackships 06-18-2012 04:11 PM

sometimes i've noticed that having "strangers" help with care will curb this behavior to a certain extent. My grandmother was never as violent as you described here, but she would often lash out. She was always worse with us (even if she didnt really "know" who we were) than with a nurse or new caretaker.

just a suggestion.. i know how difficult this is and my heart goes out to you. Is there any way a dr can help with different medication? Maybe even a sleeping aid?

BigGreyHorse 06-18-2012 04:40 PM

While I applaud you personally for trying to help your business partner with her parents, this has probably past the stage for being handled by family or friends. Professional care at an Alzheimer's facility is in order before someone, either the parents or you, gets seriously injured.

AnalisaParalyzer 06-18-2012 04:51 PM

Pleasure as always speed racer. Their children can't afford a private home facility, and papa's lawyer brother has forbidden them from sending them to a state home. its willed that if at all possible, they want to stay and die in their house. The family can't afford more than alex and I, and none of their other children (of which they have five, and its only my partner even in the state) have made so much as a peep to help. We get compensated for The work through our rent, because they can't afford to pay. And at this point, anyone smaller than my 200 lb 6'2 alex couldn't handle this man. He was a 6'3 and 250lb coal miner in his younger life, and active up until the very end. Even now he gets cranky when he can't go for his walk cause of the rain. As far as being able to handle it, I can up until he gets violent. He'll change his clothes and let me take care of his diapers, and put his feet up when I ask, as long as I make it his idea. I will not claim to be capable of doing much when he decides to start swingin his cane or throwing punches.
Attackships, they tried to hire a very nice jamaican lady before me, and papa called her every racist name under the sun. Threw his food, swung a her, spit at her, generally went ballistic. For the first month I was there, he was in predator mode. He'd try to smack my rump, tried to pick the lock into my room, threw things, laughed in my face. He doesn't care stranger or not, he passes his judgment and you've gotta deal with it.
Mimi however puts on her happy face for strangers which is relieving when their great grand kids come by. They're next appointment is in two weeks, so I'll definately keep the sleep aid idea in mind. I'm not sure how much wiggle room we have with their meds, but maybe there is something the doc can enlighten me on. I've been trying to help their moods by bringing in things more from their time. The old western channel is always on, I have some of their old things out and up on the walls so its more familiar. Are there any more things like that I could do? Little quality of life improvements to boost mood?
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AQHSam 06-18-2012 04:56 PM

You can't. Seriously. Alzheimers is a known disease for violent behavior. My grandfather passed in 2011 from a 15 year battle with the disease. He was at Stage 4 for almost 6 years. He either slept or he had violent fits of confusion. He chased the condo association lawn people one day because they were ruining his lawn.

(It was amazing how he would have moments of brilliant clarity - but they were not ruining the lawn).

My grandmother, with the help of my mom provided him home care. It sapped her of her life and caused my mom's energy and health to decline.

My grandmother did not want him to go into a nursing home, she didn't think they would care for her. He was only 80 pounds when he died but when his violent mood struck him he could do damage.

meds are not enough. My grandfather did not go into violent rages until he was well into the Stage 4 phase and had absolutely no understanding of who, where, what, why. He existing solely in pajamas with depends because he no longer knew how to relieve himself properly.

Call Hospice. If your partner is dead set on at home care, you need professional help. They are the best (or are at least in Michigan).

Also consider hiring an LPN or some other home care nursing to help with the parents. You NEED a break and downtime. My grandfather would sleep all day and then get up and keep my grandmother hopping all night. She tried to sleep duirng the day, but let's face it. Not much you can do about bills, shopping, dr. appts, and etc when you are 86 yrs old. She had to function by day.

This is a lousy disease. I've witnessed cancer and now alzheimers and there is nothing but pain and grief with alzheimers. Once loving family members that turn so horrible that you pray they die and release you from hell they are inflicting on you.

Please get yourself some additional support.

EDIT. I saw how money is tight, but hospice and other organizations associated with Alzheimers exist on charity. In the end, my grandmother became very ill and had to be hospitalized. They had to put my grandfather in a nursing home during her stay in the ICU. That is what killed him. It is a pretty sure thing that the home did not give him the same care my grandmother did and he became very ill with a skin infection that never healed. He died within two weeks of his return to the home with my grandmother.

This is even harder for you. You don't have the memories of hugs and kisses. The good thing is, you shouldn't take ANY of it personal. These may have been SOBs in younger years or the sweetest most Christian souls that ever walked the Earth. But today, in this condition, they can't be held responsible for their behaivor.

Personally, I think the mind still understands, but the lack of full memory is what drives them crazy and mean. For a long time the family could see in his eyes the pain and grief from urinating in his pants but unable to understand why it was wrong or what he should have done.

AnalisaParalyzer 06-18-2012 04:59 PM

Pleasure as always speed racer. Their children can't afford a private home facility, and papa's lawyer brother has forbidden them from sending them to a state home. its willed that if at all possible, they want to stay and die in their house. The family can't afford more than alex and I, and none of their other children (of which they have five, and its only my partner even in the state) have made so much as a peep to help. We get compensated for The work through our rent, because they can't afford to pay. And at this point, anyone smaller than my 200 lb 6'2 alex couldn't handle this man. He was a 6'3 and 250lb coal miner in his younger life, and active up until the very end. Even now he gets cranky when he can't go for his walk cause of the rain. As far as being able to handle it, I can up until he gets violent. He'll change his clothes and let me take care of his diapers, and put his feet up when I ask, as long as I make it his idea. I will not claim to be capable of doing much when he decides to start swingin his cane or throwing punches.
Attackships, they tried to hire a very nice jamaican lady before me, and papa called her every racist name under the sun. Threw his food, swung a her, spit at her, generally went ballistic. For the first month I was there, he was in predator mode. He'd try to smack my rump, tried to pick the lock into my room, threw things, laughed in my face. He doesn't care stranger or not, he passes his judgment and you've gotta deal with it.
Mimi however puts on her happy face for strangers which is relieving when their great grand kids come by. They're next appointment is in two weeks, so I'll definately keep the sleep aid idea in mind. I'm not sure how much wiggle room we have with their meds, but maybe there is something the doc can enlighten me on.
I've been trying to help their moods by bringing in things more from their time. The old western channel is always on, I have some of their old things out and up on the walls so its more familiar. Are there any more things like that I could do? Little quality of life improvements to boost mood?
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Posted via Mobile Device

Speed Racer 06-18-2012 05:16 PM

If it's 'forbidden' to send their parents to a home, then the rest of the children need to step up and take care of them. It's not fair to put stipulations in place, and not have to deal with the consequences themselves.

The bottom line is that these aren't your parents, you're not being compensated adequately for their care, and you're simply not qualified to care for them. They need professional caregivers.

That being said, it's entirely up to you whether or not you continue. As with everything in life, you have free will. You do need to be aware though, that things won't get better, and these two will merely continue to deteriorate mentally. Perhaps once they're past the stage of mobility, they'll be easier to deal with. At least the physical assaults will stop.

AQHSam 06-18-2012 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Speed Racer (Post 1554249)
If it's 'forbidden' to send their parents to a home, then the rest of the children need to step up and take care of them. It's not fair to put stipulations in place, and not have to deal with the consequences themselves.

The bottom line is that these aren't your parents, you're not being compensated adequately for their care, and you're simply not qualified to care for them. They need professional caregivers.

That being said, it's entirely up to you whether or not you continue. As with everything in life, you have free will. You do need to be aware though, that things won't get better, and these two will merely continue to deteriorate mentally. Perhaps once they're past the stage of mobility, they'll be easier to deal with. At least the physical assaults will stop.

We waited over 6 years for that to happen, and it was only the last 9 months of his life where he slept more than he was awake.

I agree with SpeedRacer. You need professional help, even if the person only comes a few times a week.

The other thing you need to be aware of is when they do die in the home. If you have hospice visiting and tracking medical stats your life will be much easier. When my grandfather died, my grandmother called hospice who then called the authorities. It took all the "hmmmm" from my grandmother. The police and coroners office were very kind and sympathetic to her. We were told that a death due to undocumented / charted illness would cause an investigation.

dbarabians 06-19-2012 01:31 AM

They are a danger to others and probably to themselves.
They need professional care.
I would suggest that you insist they receive it before you and your boyfriend get accused of inadequate care.
If they receive any form of Medicare or Medicaid they are eligible for inpatient care at a facility capable of handling this type of illness.
At their age and weight they are susceptable to injury if you needed to restrain them. If that happens the state may step in and the family would lose any control of the parents anyway.
Protect yourself legally from any charges or complaints that might arise.
Especially if the two of you are living in their house.
I would at the very least consult with a lawyer to see what you could do to protect yourself from any legal issues that might arise.
They will not get better. They do not have the capablity to reason rationally.
I have known people that were jailed in similar situations.
Take care.
By the way as a caretaker you could be charged with neglect if you allowed the patient to go 2 weeks without being properly cleaned. Shalom


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