speaking my mind.
It seems you have to censor everything these days. Well, I wanna say, what I wanna say, and I'm gonna say it here. This will mostly be my place to vent, rant, ponder, and generally not annoy anyone near me with my out loud thinking, and put it here.I started riding when I was seven, and fell in love. I rode once a week for three years, then twice a week til I was thirteen, then I got my first pony. He was a lazy push button, and I loved him. Two years later, I broke my first horse. I've been obsessed with being a trainer ever since. I'm 21, currently working as both a trainer and manager at ivy horse ranch, and as half of the care giving team for two elderly individuals with dementia. I old people sit in exchange for rent, and the barn just barely covers my medical bills. (I'm currently being tested and kinda treated for CKD, or chronic kidney disease) I have this disease as a result of my past. My mother was never really all that "motherly" and I was physically and emotionally abused until I was seventeen. I was raped when I was fifteen and started self harming. I was beating by a boyfriend for two years before I left, and was then beaten by mother. I leaned heavily on drugs after they sold my pony, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at nineteen. Currently I live with my transport business partner (mostly her right now), her daughter, the elderlys, and my alex. He's my saving grace, my best friend, and sometimes my biggest problem.
Before reading further, these are my opinions, and the facts are as far as I know them. I could be wrong at any time. When I say I think, its based on my experience, and I'm not saying its the same way for everyone, just saying that's how I see it. I don't mean any offense to anyone, this is just me thinking.
But todays musings are going to be on how people treat eachother. Like crap. Like absolute dog poop. I will admit to being guilty of this. When I'm mad, I'm hell on wheels and no one is safe. Its not a good personality trait. But when I look around, and adults are speaking to eachother like spoiled kids, I wonder why we can't all just be a little nicer. Joe blow may not know that your horse dumped you today, why you gotta snap at him? Jane doe may be genuinely asking out of concern, why you gotta treat her like she's out to get you? I think a lot of this stems from people being so judgmental. I mean, you see a skater rolling down the road, you assume he's some no good punk. But what if he's on his way to buy milk for his granny? What if he's the kid that's gonna save your little kid when he falls in the lake? Who knows. You don't, not on first sight. Or first read for that matter. How can you possibly. Understand a person having never heard their voice or watched their eyes or seen how they handle life? You can't. And I mean you, as in the general you, everybody. Everybodys always talking about make the world a better place. But you wanna know the honest truth? We look at the people trying to do right like they've got four heads. Its easier to believe others are bad, and go on with your day. Its easier to judge and stay away than get to know someone. Again, its a general "we". I want to live in a world where people are nice first and nasty if they need to be. But there again, it all depends on the individual. I can muse on people being nicer to eachother forever, I don't think it'll happen. But I can be nicer. Even though that gets you in trouble too. Then you get accused of trying to "be a saint" or trying to "be better than everybody else". I don't think someone genuinely trying to be a good person is either of those things, but that's how some people have approached that kind of thing. I have no conclusion to this. I'm not sure there is one.
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Sorry to intrude in your personal journal..
You can't change people, but you can work on being a little less judgmental yourself (collective you, as in the reader)
Its no intrusion sky, I crave positive criticism, just so long as its not meant to hurt. And I don't mind civil discussion either. And your right, you can't change anybody but you. Even if you'll be disliked for trying to "be better".
Which leads to todays thoughts. Recently between my anxiety and the questionability of my alexs faithfulness, I've been pondering the damaging effects of lying. It really is a web. You throw out the baseline of "I promise your the only girl I think about". Then add on, "I swear I haven't spoken to her in months. And it was only about the dog" then you start spinning. "I never went to see her" "you know its not my baby" "maybe your the one who's lying". Its as simple as being honest the first time. Tell me the truth before it gets to the lying. Honesty is the foundation of trust, and trust will either make or break you. How about on a bigger scale. -these are not my actual opinions or thoughts on this matter, this is just an extreme example to hopefully make what's in my head sound like sense.- imagine the government has been lying about the towers, and the war, and osama. What if it was an inside job? What if the whole "dumped the body in the ocean" thing is bull? Could you imagine how all us u.s. Citizens would feel? Its like trusting A dog that's bitten you. You don't. Not til they've been either beaten until they have no teeth, or shot. Its the same with people. I trusted my mother when she said, "I promise I'll be home in time to take you to ride." Or "I promise I'll take you with me when I visit grandma this year". Well, when my horse had gone two weeks without work, and I'd thrown a tantrum, it had been my fault. And when the next time I got to see grandma was at her funeral two years later? You don't trust people after that. It destroys relationships. And in the case of a lover, even if you stay together, the question is always there. Where are you really? How hard do I have to protect my heart today? Why can't you just tell me what's going on? I can handle it. I'm a strong girl. Just tell me the truth. I can deal with the truth. I can't deal with not knowing. And if the world were perfect no one would have to. I've lied, and though it didn't cost me much, someone I did care about was very hurt. And that felt awful. And I guess here is where it ties into yesterdays thoughts. If people could just be nice. We know lying is wrong, we know deception is bad, and yet we chose it. Its easier to tell someone what they want to hear even if it hurts them in the long run, and on the flip side of that, there's that sick little satisfaction I know more than just I have felt when fibbing just a little to hurt someone who's hurt you. You don't mean what you say, it isn't the truth, but you say it cause your mad and you want to watch them feel the way you felt. Its still lying and it still hurts. And you can't take it back, or fix it. You said it. if we were just more aware of how we speak to people, and what we say. The truth hurts, but never more than a lie. It can take a beautiful flourishing relationship, and drag it through the mud. It can make an amazing man like my captain cave, and suddenly look like a heartless beast. It can take a woman, and make her scared to trust. Maybe I'm just letting my depression get away with me here, but it sucks. And I don't see how menot lying is going to benefit anybody but the people I'm talking to. I mean of course I'll have the satisfaction of "I'm doing the right thing" but its only a matter of time until someone gets mad and goes after me for "higher moral fiber" and "trying to be better than everyone else". It sucks. All the way around. Lying is like an emotional nuclear bomb, leaving a radiation made of doubt and pain.
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Anxiety or not, you can't set yourself up to be lied to. If you're asking questions like "am I the only girl you think about" is setting yourself up to be lied to. Men (and some women too) think about other people sometimes. It's just how it is.
Some of Alexs responses sound shady but without knowing more that's all I can say.
About other people lying..
When you're dependent on other people for rides, you have to realize that your activity probably isn't going to be very high on their list. Case in point when you mentioned how long your horse went weeks without work and you couldn't visit you grandma. I don't think your mother meant to lie, she just probably thought "well theres tomorrow" and well there was always a tomorrow until there wasn't.
People lie. It's how it is. If you really think he's cheating and it's not your anxiety taking, toss him. Regardless if he is or isn't. Why? Life's too short to be with someone you can't trust. You don't deserve to be on eggshells trying to figure things out.
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Thank you for your words db, if I may comment further.
I may have come off like a snotty child, and admittedly, at fourteen, my tantrum probably came off as just that. The thing that made my mother late was the bottle. And her particular distaste for me. At one point in my life she told her psycho therapist that she couldn't stand the sight of me because I looked so much like her past. It was wrong for me to throw a tantrum, but the feelings of despair at not being what your mother wanted were heavy. I felt like the only way I could impress her was by being amazing at something, and riding was it. She lied, knowing that she wouldn't be home before the bottle was finished, and the bottles just kept getting bigger. She's stopped drinking now, and is working on our relationship. She still has a hard time looking at me. As far as when she visited my grandmother, I paid her 350 for the plane ticket, and gave her 1000 dollars for the rest of the trip. She left without telling me.
As far as my captain, I am guilty of allowing him to walk all over me. I love him. He was my guardian when we were kids living down the street from eachother. He held me when my mom hurt me. Took me to the park and made me laugh when I couldn't stop crying. Beat the crap out people hurt me. He protects me and defends me, and he does love me. He's a good man, he just has a problem with women, and lying. About stupid stuff even. He's afraid to ruffle feathers, but not afraid to pluck em out of someone who ruffles his. Currently, I'm pretty sure its just my anxiety and leftover emotional radiation from both of our turbulent pasts. He works for my father, who assures me he's always at work when he says he is. I guess you can say we're working on things. But I appreciate your input, it is something I will think about. Especially about my mother.
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Sorry dancingarabian. My bad, I read it too fast, I sincerely apologize. :(
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It's okay :)
Your dependence on Alex is a little concerning. Don't let gratitude cloud your judgement. You don't owe it to him to be with him. Having a problem with women and one with lying is 2 strikes in my book.
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Analisa it's so easy for people to lie and for everyone to get paranoid.. then things spin out of control.
Sometimes people lie because they think the truth will piss the person off or they'll over react. Guys are known for holding off because they don't want to "set the crazy girlfriend off" for example. It goes both ways though.
If Alex is a real person, and you're in the relationship then it's best to really talk things out. Before it spirals further into no-man's land
alex is a real person, theres no lie here. we've been together since august 1st of 2011, and hes been my saving grace in many ways. my anxiety turns out to have been just that. MY anxiety. hes been working for my father since nov 2011, and due to recent circumstances, we've been able to put many of our issues to bed. heres how:
A month ago, my father told alex that the office girl at the shop (which is eventually going to be mine) was quitting. And my dad wanted family back in the office. so, on monday it will have been exactly a month that i've been working 51 hrs a week in my shop, fixing the three yrs worth of damage done since i left the first time to jump on my training career. i still manage the boarding barn, but have since doled out duties to two of my trust worthy boarders for half off their board. The woman we were living with threw a big nasty temper tantrum when i began working again, and after everything that shes done to us (including stealing money, leaving me for months at a time as the sole caregiver of her extremely elderly parents, crashing our truck, lieing to four different barns to try and take clients, lieing to my face about multiple different things, etc.) she tried to demand 600 dollars to cover our "damages". i promptly explained that considering the amount of therapy i've had to pay for, the damage to our truck we've had to fix, the number of things that have been stolen, the damage to my animals shes caused, etc, that i wouldn't be paying her a dime. to which she stomped her feet and slammed her door. turns out, the guy shes been sleeping with for money found a girlfriend and she needed booze and a truck payment. she stole tools out of Alex tool box ( around $3,000 worth, between the snap-on sets, the makita drills and saws, and his special made welding equipment) to cover herself. which, is of little concern. they are insured and will be replaced, and shes in jail. how? because i called human services, and had her parents removed from her care, and had her picked up on elderly abuse and neglect, and violation of probation. now lou and nancy can have the some quality of life, and that dumb cow is where she belongs. her daughter, whom is like a younger sister to me, stays with me on weekends, and with her aunt during the week.
she stays with me because alex and i are now living in an apartment two streets behind the shop. We use our lunch breaks to let our dogs out, and are planning on getting bikes to ride to work after the place is furnished. our whole life fit in six trash bags when we left the hell hole. we are rebuilding, and doing so on a much better foundation than what we started with. alex has done some reading and talked to my doctor. he now understands my compulsive behaviors, and is working with me to find a happy balance. working a full day helps, as its distracting and gives me a better focus. i haven't thought of self harming in two weeks. it still gets to me, i clench and tweak and shake still, but its manageable, still no meds :)
when i sit back, and think of everything alex and i have fought through in the last yr, including him quiting his job, living in a 25 ft trailer with no electric or water, surviving my mother, surviving the gibson house, and now fighting our way into our apartment, i laugh a little. we've fought a war. and anybody who wants to come at me about anything can take their swing. yea, i'm dependant on my fiance, yea im a mental case with more problems than a five yr old ford, but i've got a man who loves me, a future in training and equine management and a five yr contract to serve until i'm set for life with the company thats been in my family for sixty years. try me.
just because i have time today, and it seems to be a subject of interest for everbody in my life right now.
Alex and i met in 2002. he was 13, i was 12. he went riding his bike past my house with a joint in his mouth, as was his habit. yes i said joint. it made me giggle when he swerved when i said hey. later, my mother told me he was the "bad kid", and i wasn't to hang out with him. but, every time he rode by, i made an excuse to have someplace other than home to be. my dad would chase him down the street with tools, and once with bat when they would catch us together. by fifteen, i was sneaking out of my house to be with him, sometimes til 2 in the morning, just sitting on the hill in the back of our neighborhood. he got picked up on a pretty bad charge at fifteen, and ended up away for two yrs. but he came back, and we picked right up where we left off. then he got a girlfriend, who told him the baby she was carrying was hers. he did the man thing, stayed with her, took care of the baby like it was his until it was seven months old, because he thought it was. until they applied for government help and got a paternity test. it wasn't his. we had gotten out of touch while he was with her, and when he got back, it took him four months to find me. he had gone through every avenue he could. even knocking on my parents door to find me. they told him i moved and they hadnt heard from me cause they hadnt. he found me online, and from the moment i saw his name on my email, i knew he was back for good. i left my boyfriend of 1 yr and 8 months, my 18 bedroom house,my 2 labradoodles and my 32 bunnies (yea, no lie. the pearlmutter family owns pearl paint, and their son and i were together living as grounds keepers for their 5 acre mansion. and i dont care what you think of that.) to live in a 25 ft travel trailer with the man who will soon be my husband. and you know what? i dont regret a single thing. even with his lies, which hes since atoned for, hes my vision of happyness. believe it or not. i don't care. i'm getting married.
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