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PurpleMonkeyWrench 07-09-2012 12:36 AM

Am I being selfish?
 
OK, so I am going to try to keep this as short as possible. I moved to my current location a year ago. My BF and I live with his 70 year old mother because she can't be left alone anymore due to multiple health issues etc. well, I just got happy here, I love my BF and his mother, have a decent job, have a great deal on a lease horse, and even became friends with the lady I lease from. I have everything I want for the first time in my life and I am content. Well recently her health is declining rapidly and my BF's family wants us to move 2 hrs from where we are at now so we can be closer. My BF's mother's BF also lives down there because that's the only place he has found work and because we are so far away he only comes home twice a month. My BF's mom is only happy when she is with her BF so by us moving he will be able to come home every night. The area we would be moving to is highly expensive and we would be broke again and just be able to get by. Am I being selfish by not wanting to move because I'm finally happy for the first time in my life? I really need advice here please :-(

Lakotababii 07-09-2012 12:42 PM

I don't think your being selfish necessarily.

It is hard to pack up an move when you love where you are at. But it sounds like your BFs mother needs a change. And if her health is declining, I would go with what she needs. She is older, and most likely doesn't have nearly as much time left on this earth as you do. Someday, you will be able to move freely with your BF, wherever you two so please, but right now he has a responsibility to his mother. He needs to take care of her, and it sounds like he is doing just that. (Kudos to him by the way).

This doesn't mean that you feeling the way that you do is selfish. I would feel the same way. It is sometimes very hard to do the right thing. Talk to your BF about it, tell him you want to support his mother and him, but also tell him why you aren't looking forward to the change. Just having it out on the table will most likely make you feel better, even if it doesn't change the situation.

Oh and kudos to you as well for being supportive and thinking this through. It takes a big person to put the comfort of someone else above your own. Don't feel bad about not wanting the change though, I would consider it perfectly normal.

Speed Racer 07-09-2012 12:53 PM

As her caregivers, I'd think you'd have the most say in where you want/need to live. However, you really do need to take her desires into consideration, since it sounds as if she's declining rapidly.

I honestly don't understand why her family thinks a 2 hour drive is soooo far. One of my best friends lives 1 1/2 hours from me, and it's never been a hassle for either of us to drive that distance. 5 or 10 hours, then yes, I could see the issue, but 2? Nope, shouldn't even be a problem.

Daisy25 07-09-2012 12:53 PM

Hmmm....

I realize you shortened the story a bit for brevity's sake - but I feel as if I am missing something important.

You and BF have been taking care of Mother.

Now other family members want Mother to live closer.

Why does that automatically mean you and BF have to move? Can one of these other family members care for Mother or offer her a room?

PurpleMonkeyWrench 07-09-2012 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisy25 (Post 1588494)
Hmmm....

I realize you shortened the story a bit for brevity's sake - but I feel as if I am missing something important.

You and BF have been taking care of Mother.

Now other family members want Mother to live closer.

Why does that automatically mean you and BF have to move? Can one of these other family members care for Mother or offer her a room?

We suggested that, but his mother doesn't want to live with anyone. She is very stubborn and in a way I don't feel we need to move if she is declining to move in with one of her daughters.

Speed Racer 07-09-2012 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleMonkeyWrench (Post 1588620)
We suggested that, but his mother doesn't want to live with anyone. She is very stubborn and in a way I don't feel we need to move if she is declining to move in with one of her daughters.

If she needs caregivers, then she stays with the ones willing to do it. If she won't move in with one of her daughters, then she stays put.

Since her BF isn't home during the day, I suppose it wouldn't work out if she and he moved in together.

northwesten 07-09-2012 03:04 PM

Just by reading this I wouldn't move! If the family members want's her closer then they pretty much move them self. To up root and move to for a short time thing not the best Idea. I mean if your happy where you are to move somewhere going to cost you and be broke meaning not happy just crazy to me! I wouldn't do it!

stephshark 07-09-2012 04:21 PM

Have you all talked about the possibility of an assisted living facility somewhere closer to her BF and the other family members? Most of these places nowadays are basically individual apartments for seniors, where they live by themselves but there are round the clock staff there should anyone need help with anything. My great aunt was in one for a few years before she passed and loved it.

PurpleMonkeyWrench 07-10-2012 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephshark (Post 1588829)
Have you all talked about the possibility of an assisted living facility somewhere closer to her BF and the other family members? Most of these places nowadays are basically individual apartments for seniors, where they live by themselves but there are round the clock staff there should anyone need help with anything. My great aunt was in one for a few years before she passed and loved it.

She REFUSES to live in one of those. She says they will control what she does. She is the most stubborn woman I've ever met.

Saskia 07-10-2012 08:53 AM

It's a bit rough, especially when considering the financial strain moving to a more expensive area could be.

I'd probably do something like stay where you are for a while and tell her she's always welcome, and she can stay with the daughter. And if she really requires your care she can come back, or if she's unhappy there she can return. If it looks like a more permanent move then in a while you can think about moving to. I don't think uprooting your life on a whim is something you should be required to do.

Two hours commute isn't really that much, more than ideal, but not a huge amount.


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