Good-bye My T Girl.
One week ago today, July 30 2012, my heart horse was laid to rest. She was only 23, and in incredible condition, that is except for her kind, beautiful eyes.
You see, she had ERU. For 5 years after the initial attack, we waged and battled a war that had all the advantages. We managed to hold off the final attack until 2 months ago. Her right eye lost it's sight after the first attack. We managed to fight the ensuing attacks on the left eye, trying desperately to hold off the blindness.
But, two months ago, the worst attack since the first on the right eye took whatever remaining sight was remaining to the left eye. My girl was left in darkness, pain and at times confusion.
I won't go into all the research, and both conventional as well as homeopathic treatments, for they were all for naught. And to add insult to injury, it wasn't enough that she was blind, but the ERU still waged it's war causing her tremendous pain.
At 4:00 that Monday morning, my once calm, steady and always sane girl, went through the heavy livestock fencing of her paddock for the second time in 7 weeks. It was then I made that horrible decision that many of us have had to, or will have to face. Her well being was top priority, not my love of her and wanting her to always be there. That would be to high a price to her.
All I could do now was make her final moments as calm and peaceful as possible. Fortunately I have a compassionate vet, and we were able to do just that for my beloved girl.
I had enjoyed riding this wonderful mare for 16 years, and had the privilege of owning her for 12 years. Not long enough, but the adventures we shared and the bond we had was all worth it. She and I danced!
It has taken me a week to post this, and in part because I'm still numb from having to make that decision. I still see her grazing in the pasture, and hear that powerful neigh of hers demanding her breakfast! While I know that the decision was the right one, I still feel like a failure to my girl. I think that will always stay with me.
Where ever my girl is now, she is pain free, and I like to believe, seeing clearly and enjoying a pasture in the bright sunshine! She deserves that and so much more.
Good-bye my girl. You will always be with me in my heart. Forgive me for failing to win that battle. I love you T-girl.
Walk, my deepest, most sincere condolences on the loss of your special girl.
They're never with us long enough, no matter how much time we have with them.
Thank you for giving her this last gift. You did what a true horseperson always does; put their needs ahead of your wants.
Godspeed, good mare. Say hello to the little bay Arab with the perpetually pinned ears. He always did like the pretty girls, and he'll be more than happy to show you around. He's been at the Bridge 5 years now.
Walk, big hugs and prayers of peace and comfort to you. You done good. :hug:
So sorry for this terrible blow. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. I am sure your mare lived every day secure in knowing she had good leadership and loving care, all the way to the end. No horse can ask for more.
Thank-you SR and Tiny. She was a once in a lifetime horse, and I am grateful for every moment we had together.
I had asked her a few days earlier if she was tired of the battle, if she wanted to rest. I asked her to let me know so I could do what was right for her. After two days of looking miserable, she went through the fencing. The vet and I both believe that between the pain and blindness, she was so frustrated that she just exploded. So totally out of character for her.
I do believe she was letting me know that the situation was not to her liking. She was always very opinionated, my girl. That was part of her character that I just adored too. She could let you know just what she was thinking.
Walka has , I believe, excepted that she is not coming back. After 24 hours of calling for her, he did a check of everywhere she could be, and then came to me (I was sitting in the pasture keeping him company) and put his head on my chest for a rub. After that, he never called for her again. He'd never known a time without her, except for the occasional weekend separated and the one week he spent at the trainers. I envy the simple acceptance without the guilt and mental anguish we humans put ourselves through. I decided to take his example. I will treasure the memories, and live in the now, with Walka. It's his turn to "dance" with me, and he's been waiting for that time.
Walka is telling you the right thing, the only way to honor a life lost is to make the most of the life you are living and to enjoy the now. Walka and you will dance a different dance, but it will be special in its own way.
What a beautiful tribute! I'm in tears now. It's so hard to make that final decision. I've sent horses over the bridge-I hope your horse "sees" my little bay Arab mare-a companion of 17 years, & my big, lovely P. Paso mare, both "danced" over way too early for me. I hope your gelding becomes closer to you & you forge a new bond w/him, although it will be different. Each horse is different & unique & make their own bond w/us. You did all you could-I pray your heart becomes lighter & peace settles in.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless you for giving her that final gift. Big hugs!
Still so sorry for your loss.
Thank-you all for your support and kind words. It has helped knowing that others have walked this path, though not willingly, and have moved forward and enjoyed many new adventures with another partner.
And if truth be told, though it has been difficult, it has also been a bit of a relief at the same time. I am now not having to get up 3 -4 times a night to check on T. I actually slept through the night for the first time in 2 months last night. I don't start each day dreading seeing if her eyes are running or inflamed or just "off". I am not staying up till 2 am researching for any hope and answers to fend off the next flare up or to extinguish the current one.
I know that Walka will not be alone for ever, but for now it's time to readjust and spend time with him and focus solely on him. He is so like T, being her last foal, and like others have said, he is not her. But it's all good. He is a wonderful horse. I hope we have many years to explore and enjoy adventures together.
Thanks again for the support, truly touches me.
I am so sorry. I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. Nothing I can say will ever really take the pain away - but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you...
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