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Samstead 10-01-2012 04:11 AM

It's all falling down again...
I've posted on this before but in the teen forum and I think I'll get some better and fresh responses and advice here (no offense teens)
So my sisters friend might be bipolar. She lets call her M, has already been to the hospital at least once and taken a bunch of Tylenol with the intention of overdosing. I've heard my sister on the phone late at night begging her not to so anything "M I love you so much and I don't want you to hurt yourself" and then crying herself to sleep and then I start crying because I'm scared too, that this isn't something I can, protect her from and I know it's not my job to protect her from everything but she used to crawl into my bed when she had a bad dream and I'd chase away anyone who picked on her when we were kids and I'm powerless to stop what hurting her. M is the sweetest thing, the world would not be the same without her.

A number of my friend have bad relationships with their parents/grand parents. A couple of them are verbally abusive and another's Dad has essentially chosen his wife over his daughter. One friend has depression and it's been bad lately we can call her N. I work with N at the ranch and she has been posting for prayer alot lately. And I pray for her and I feel better I know God will take care of her, he only gives us as much as we can handle but then she posts again or this little voice in my head says "but what if...what if she's not ok, what if she CAN'T handle it, what if this is more then she can handle?"

And then week 10, teen week at the ranch the girls from my friend cabin told me some of what was going on in their lives...and my heart broke, not sappy movie "my boyfriend broke up with me, woe is me" broke. We're talking me bawling my eyes out in the middle of prayer, my friend telling me that it's okay over and over again while she holds back her own tears and I think about how that day, I have to say goodbye to these girls and let them go back to these lives that broke my heart and when I've finally pulled it all together I go on Facebook, find out my friend broke his clavicle and even though he's fine I burst into tears again because even the slightest bad news, I can't handle at that point. It's been weeks since all of that but....the girls, those amazing, incredible girls who are going through things nobody should ever have to go through and going through them at 15-16 still face problems daily and though they turn to God and give their troubles to God, the problems are still there.........okay wow...,that was scares me to admit that I'm struggliing, because I've always said everyone else does and I don't and it's not fair I only recently realized that yes I AM struggling because people I care deeply about are...and that hard for me to admit.
So thanks for reading.
And a side note in all these cases the proper steps to stop the situations have been taken. All procedures followed. Now it's just the emotional stuff...

Tracer 10-01-2012 04:29 AM

It seems to me that you suffer from the same condition that I do - you worry too much. It's a horrible disease that has no cure, and all you can do is do your best to deal with it and, as hard as it is, force yourself to detach.

The problems of those girls aren't yours. Showing concern for other people is one thing, but worrying yourself sick about them is in a different league. It isn't good for you. You have to accept that all you can do is be there for them to talk to.

As for the problem concerning you, your sister and M... I've kinda been there too. My friend who is a few years younger than me was committed to a psych ward a couple of months ago after she tried to kill herself. I live hours away from this girl, but I care for her with all my heart. She has Aspergers, and I was one of the ones who has helped her cope, who has helped her deal with life. I think of this girl like a daughter, and I was in agony when I found out about all that had happened. I can imagine how much your sister is hurting, and even if you weren't close to her, its inevitable that you would hurt too. The only advice I can offer is to make sure that M knows what avenues of help there are. I myself am bipolar, but my medication makes it almost nonexistent apart from the occasional mood swing. M needs help that your sister cannot provide.

If M won't/can't get that help I know for a fact that your sister will take it on herself to keep M strong. Your job will be to keep your sister strong. M's problems are not yours - if you take that on as well, you will drown under the pressure. Support your sister, give her a shoulder to cry on.

But back to you. You need to find a way to pull yourself away from others troubles. Help them as much as you can, but take time to let the problems of other people wash away. Better yet, find someone to confide in, be it another friend, a blog, or a counselor. I see a psychiatrist on a fortnightly basis, and most of what I tell her is about other people. And you know what? I feel ten times lighter when I leave that room. The burdens that others have unintentionally put on you will ease if you have someone detached from it all to talk to.

You are not a hero. You will break if you bend too far. Don't take on more than you can handle. Separate the troubles that don't concern you from the rest of your life. It doesn't mean you don't care.

What I have said might sound harsh, but I've been there, and I know how hard it is to have friends who are hurting and there is nothing you can do to help. It's a vicious cycle that I've been through many times - They hurt, you see them hurting, you hurt, they see you hurting, they hurt.

I hope what I've said offers you something, be it comfort, advice, or even just a touch of light. I wish you luck.

Samstead 10-01-2012 04:46 AM

I know that they aren't my problems my problem is that I care too much. I care for everyone I meet and hate to see anyone suffer. I need to do is give it allmto God and not let the enemy/devil/Satan whatever you want to call him throw it back it me, I know in my heart and soul God will take care of every last one of them, but on his time not mine.

Samstead 10-01-2012 04:51 AM

And M is doing fine from what I hear lately I'm not sure if she's on meds, bud she ooks some time off work and since then she seemed alot better. She had... A low point a while back when a customer called her useless, I was so angry at that customer I had to step back and realize they didn't know M's situation and how their words would effect her and although that does not excuse the customers actions it helps me not want to punch them.

Samstead 10-01-2012 04:54 AM

And no none of that sounded harsh, it's all true. It's just making myself realize that and then make my actions match that that's the issue. It's good to know someone else gets it...not good that you've felt how I feel but good that I'm not alone...bittersweet really.

LadyDreamer 10-01-2012 08:44 AM

Here is what you need to do. Stop crying. Sure that is what you want to do, but crying will not help your friends. Worrying will not help your friends. Strength and compassion wi help your friends.

How do you think your friend felt when you were crying about her problem? If it were me, I probably wouldn't tell you much anymore because I wouldn't want to upset you.

It is GOOD to care. GREAT actually. You just really need to work on your reaction. You cannot help people by living their pain. You cannot help people by breaking down over their pain. You cannot do anything. You need to accept that TERRIBLE things happen to those around us, including our friends and family. You need to care enough to want to help, but breaking down is the worst possible thing to do.

Does a vet start crying when he sees a horse shredded bleeding and dying with a tpost through his shoulder after he ran through the fence? No. He gets to work at helping the poor animal. Does a paramedic balk pray and fret when he comes across a fiery car wreck. He might say a quick prayer, so long as it doesn't slow him down in helping the people injured as he runs to help.

Does your pastor share your tears and break down and cry when you tell him your sad story, or does he sit there solidly letting you tell him everything? (I know it is not YOUR story. But it kind of is since it is affecting you to this degree).

When your friends vent to you, the last thing in the world they need is for you to be upset. You need to suck it up, listen, offer advice, be compassionate and caring without that, for their sake, and when you are alone, or better yet, With someone YOU vent to like your mom, or your pastor, or a counsellor, or someone of that nature, THEN cry and let it all out.

You don't want your friends apologizing for coming to see you. You want to help them. You won't be able to if they stop coming to you to confide in you.

Work on being strong girl! Work on your reaction to news like this. Crying never gets anything done. Work on becoming a leader. Work on getting your mind to a place of peace and strength so that when pressure is put on you, you can overcome any obstacle.

Samstead 10-01-2012 12:04 PM

Trust me none of these people have seen me cry for them. The people I did cry in front of were effect by the same things. The only one who has seen me cry for M is my mom, and even then only because she found me. I don't paticularly like letting people see me cry. When my friends come to me upset I comfort them with hugs and listening and sometimes timtam slams (if you know what that is you know it makes any situation feel at least a little better) and then I cry it out, pray it out and think of ways to be there for them. So basically I've already done or am doing you've suggested.

FlyGap 10-01-2012 04:24 PM

28 Attachment(s)
There are going to be worse times than these for you and them. Just be sure to not let it get YOU down. Caregivers (women) take it all, we have to learn how to process, empathize, take action, AND take care of ourselves because we are the only ones who can. It's also VERY important to take the small stuff lightly and act on the imperatives. A person even TALKING about suicide or depression needs help immediately! And not from you, get help from family, teachers, PROFESSIONALS.

Two weeks before graduation one of my closest friends committed suicide. I was the last person to talk to her. She wanted me to skip school and go party mid day. I was on attendance probation and didn't want to tick off my principal so I stayed. I knew she needed help, I knew she was feeling down, I should have gotten her help sooner, I should have gone with her, I should have should have should have... 14 years later I have to fight myself for feeling guilty about not "saving" her. But I was a 17 year old girl, I refuse to feel guilty. She was let down by every adult in her life, every teacher, every family member, and as I look back on it I was the only one who was typically there for her, but not that day.
She taught me a lesson that was hard learned. Only YOU can rely on yourself. Excuses and pain and problems happen to everyone, it's what YOU make out of life that matters. Try and uplift people, stay vigilant on others, but if you take care of yourself you can make a huge difference on those around you. Even if you are just a good example.

Samstead 10-02-2012 02:25 AM


Originally Posted by FlyGap (Post 1703375)
There are going to be worse times than these for you and them. Just be sure to not let it get YOU down. .

I wish That were true but fir alot of these people I rink they'll look back on these things and think of them as the worst parts of their lives. And I try not to let it get me down and most of the time it doesn't but then there are nights when I cant sleep which is apparently an appropriate time for my mind to dredge these things up.

jepoy 10-02-2012 12:00 PM

When I was a little kid my father put me at the back of the horse and then I fell out of it and I cried but my father tried to put me again and again and then later on I used to do it. That's the memory that makes me smile over and over again. Any way do you know campgrounds in Maine?

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