Talking Hunny into Kids, HELP
This post is probably going to be here and there because I'm not exactly sure how to word it. Anyway my boyfriend and I discussed the topic of children the other night, he knows I really really want at least one child of my own. Currently he has 2 children (son and daughter) both 9 years old, the son isn't his biological son but was thought to be for the first 4 yrs of his life and was raised as his own son. Daughter is by a different mom completely.
I asked him what he would think about having a child with me, not right away but in the next couple years. He says he's 50/50 on it, he wouldn't mind having a baby but also wouldn't be heart broken if he didn't. I'm pretty sure I would be just cause I'm me. People always tell me that I'm young and I got all the time in the world (I'm 26 and yes that young) but in reality I really don't at all. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, was diagnosed at 15 yrs old. The longer I wait the more horrified I am that I won't be able to get pregnant due to infertility. Even when properly medicated to aide in fertility it can take years or never happen at all. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to be 60 when his child is 20, right now he's 32 yrs old.
My hunny's also worried about finances which is a reasonable worry. Right now we are both paying off school loans and have ok jobs. He makes $11-12/hr and works 48 hrs a week. I make $15/hr and work 63 hrs biweekly. I own my house which is a 2 bedroom 1 bath, pretty decent just needs carpetting. His kids say with us one night every 2 weeks. As of right now we don't live together, he rents, and I usually sleep there all the time just cause I want to be next to him at night.
My friends at work aren't helping the situtation with their suggestions of "Just 'forget' your birth control a few times and don't tell him." or "Guilt him into it!" I don't want Shayne to feel trapped, or guilted into doing this and I really do love him to death and he treats and loves me the same way back.
I don't know what to do, right now I just try to drop little hints every moment I can like when we go to grandmas and the little little kids are there he is so great with them and I just wanna take on home with me. I tell him later that he's so good with kids and babies and he just says, " Well this isn't my first rodeo."
Anyways this has been a rant and a half but I really feel strongly about this. Please let me know what you think.
Firstly, I think you should be married before having kids. Children need stability. I think you should also be in a better financial spot before taking on another child. I don't think you'd be able to get by on what you're making AND more than full-time child care if worst came to worst and he left you alone with a baby.
You can't talk someone into having children - they either want them, or they don't. Guilt tripping or tricking him into having a child is a great way for him to be out the door - and he's already got 2 baby momma's out there, so it's not like he can't go through with it.
You could always look into having your eggs frozen.
As for the rest of it, I am on the same page as DA. Don't trick someone into something like this (not saying you are, can see you don't want to, just reinforcing that).
Having kids is a huge deal. They consume your life, everything is about them and you no longer can come first (or second, or third, depending how many you have lol). As a mum, I have given up so many things that I wouldn't have if I were not a parent, such as horses (currently). There is no "right time" to have them - there will always be difficulties associated with finances, they will always add an element to your relationship with your partner that could be a strain, and they will always cause you to lose sleep lol. The trick to the "right time" argument is to make it when you and your partner both want a baby together. That is the right time, and everything else will fall into place around that if you are willing to put in the hard yards.
Being a mum is hard, but it's worth it.
He makes $11 an hour, already has two kids and your thinking of having another ?
Sorry I just find it totally irresponsible to bring a child into the world knowing you will be dependent on public handouts to care for it.
Very true chiilaa, I do want to wait a bit prolly a year or two, by then we should be 'married' and kosher. Also sharing households will be a huge help. I'm not ever going to trick him into it and I may actually sell down to just one of my horses just to simplify things.
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OP As far as forgetting to take a pill... absolutely not! Planned parenthood is both parties being involved in making this decision.
IMO if you are planning a family, do it the right way and get married, move into one home, start a life and start a family.
This is a very complicated situation.
The money is undeniably a factor. If you have a baby, your will either have to do childcare, which is expensive and heart rending, or lose YOUR income, which is considerable. living together might offset part of that loss, but not sure if it would equalize. Plus, babies can be expensive, and as they grow up, they become more expensive.
The other thing is, how do teh "baby mommas' figure into this. How's his relationship with them? He obviously parents his two children, at least in part. Is he paying childcare for them? Are the mothers reasonable people when it comes to makeing parenting decisions, such as who has the kids when, what school they go to, what constitutes punishable offenses and to what degreee, and more and more? I ask this because if you marry the father, you marry into his family, and that includes needing to interact with the baby mommas. And each one of them wants THE best for her own child and will maybe be in a natural position of opposition to you, once you bring in a "competitor" to their child. And the father, now has three mommas to balance.
Did this man ever marry any of these other women? why is he not with them any more? could the same thing not happen to you?
All questions that must be very distressing to face, but it should be looked at, square in the eye.
TinyLiny made some very good points.
I personally think one should be married before bringing children into the world. Single moms can and do bring up children but a stable two parent home is the best for all. It is HARD work raising children. Not all children are sweet little darlings that you tuck in at 7:30 PM on the dot and give you time to romance your honey, take a bubble bath or do chores. Sometimes they are screaming, crying, shrieking, drive-their-mother-insane dynamos that you wish you could put back for a while. ;-) (Ask me how I know that - he is almost 29 years old now and is still a PILL)
Do not trick anyone into being a father - I can't think of anything more wrong on a bunch of levels. Children aren't puppies or horses that you can sell or give away if things aren't working out.
On the other hand, I totally understand you wanting to be a mother of your own children. This can be a deal breaker. He may not be the one to father your children. Sounds like he has enough on his plate as it is and doesn't sound like either time he married them :-( No one should be pressured into having children so if he can't see himself with another child, perhaps you shouldn't see yourself having a future with him and make a move to make your goals and dreams a reality.
...but I have to agree with tinyliny. I'm not saying he isn't a great guy. However, I'm worried for you. I don't know you, but I think you deserve to end up with someone that is on the same page as you. The fact that you're having a hard time communicating about this with each other (you having to drop 'hints', he not giving straight replies) is a red flag. It should be important to HIM to have kids because it's important to YOU. If he's struggling with it now, I can only imagine a long road ahead.
Although I don't feel like marriage is a nessesary part of the equation in this day and age, living together, sharing finances and the ups and downs of life and being able to weather through the good and the bad.. these things are important.
Not saying the guy isn't a good guy (obviously I don't know him, or the situations in which he has come through), but two kids with separate women, makes for red flags for me.. Just please don't let your want for a baby cloud your judgement.
And remember that when making the decision to have a baby, it doesn't just affect you and the person your having the baby with, but also that baby. I grew up in a disfunctional split up family, and let me tell you, it ain't fun.
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