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-   -   Serious advice needed. Very complicated situation. (http://www.horseforum.com/parenting/serious-advice-needed-very-complicated-situation-147397/)

Poco1220 12-21-2012 11:47 PM

Serious advice needed. Very complicated situation.
 
*sigh*
This is going to be a very long and difficult post so thank you to those who stick with me through it and I totally understand if you don't. My son is now four years old he just turned four on the 20th of this month. I got pregnant with him when I was dating a guy back in 2008 after finding out I was pregnant the guy immediately dumped me. Shortly after I met a new guy who is my now husband, he has been a terrific father to my son and is even on his birth certificate. The paternal father has never made any attempt to contact me or my son has never been a part of his life and most of his family remains the same.

However my exes mother is now dating my uncle therefore her and her daughter are at all of our family gatherings which makes it a little awkward to say the least. I don't usually hear from them at all during the year but on the occasions when I see them she expects to be called grandma and will talk about my son like it is her grandchild which granted blood wise he is.

But when I first found out I was pregnant because her son didn't want to grow up and deal with it she decided that she was more worried about his happiness that the child's she decided to basically throw me out to dry along with the rest of the family. They have never asked for photos of him, they have never posted anything about him being her grandson or my exes son, they don't even have any contact with him outside of family holidays and get-togethers.

I have never pushed him or his family away or made them feel unwelcome around my son I've tried to keep open contact for his sake only and just to make it easier once he gets older. It's still immensely hurts my feelings though when his mom posts on Facebook about her other son who recently had twin daughters being her first grandchildren or mentioning at family get-togethers how excited she is about her first grandchildren like my son doesn't even exist or was just some figment of my imagination.

So now I have two questions.

Question one how do I appropriately handle his mother at these family get-togethers. how can I explain to her in a mature fashion that what she's doing is very hurtful and somewhat inappropriate.

Question to my son is now four years old at what point do I explain this all to him how do I explain it to him and what questions should I be prepared for at that point. This is all common family knowledge through our family and friends we have never really made a secret of it we just have not gone out of our way to tell him about it sent unsure at what age I should tell him.

* passes out cookies donuts cake lemonade and champagne to anyone who made it through that all*

thank you!!!
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Lins 12-21-2012 11:59 PM

Oops, phone/HF screw up post.

Lins 12-22-2012 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lins (Post 1810048)
Wow. That is a complicated situation. I would have a sit down with her and talk it out, for your sons sake and your own sanity.

I feel for you, and talking it out may be able to bring her to reality.
He won't be able to fully understand the situation for quite a few years yet. 10 would be a good age for him to be able to understand, I'm my humble opinion.
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Poco1220 12-22-2012 12:07 AM

I wish it was that simple just to sit down and talk to her about it. But the biggest problem is she so worried about upsetting her son which being a mom I can understand. However my exes father did the same thing and walked out on him when he was little and he has had a hard time with it and been upset about it his entire life so I can't understand why she wouldn't put it into perspective for him that he's doing the exact same thing that was done to him. Also she has had two men walk out on her when she was younger and pregnant and had to raise the kids on her own and tell her third child's father came along and help to raise them all. I think that's what gets to me the worst is she understands how this feels but does nothing to change any of it at her son knows what it feels like to not know your real dad and not know the man that was supposed to be there and he's still upset about it but he turns around and does the exact same thing and she lets him.
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loveduffy 12-22-2012 12:17 AM

I agree with Lins or call her and tell her how you feel and if it dose not work out so be it Make sure your husband knows and is ok with this also, remember he is the one that is there for you not the a## who left you, you could treat it like a divorce Your son could know about the other family and when he wants to contact them on his own, you also need to let go, it hurts but he loses out, not you or your son for not knowing him remember you have a good life with the man who wonted you and your son

Poco1220 12-22-2012 12:19 AM

That's one reason I havent pushed them away is so that when my son is older he can see that they CHOSE not to be a part of his life, I didnt force them out.
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nvr2many 12-22-2012 12:27 AM

Yes I would tell her how you feel and also if you decide to have her part of his life she needs to make him part of her life all the time as in first grand child and such, not just when it suits her! And as far as your son, I am not sure when the right age is but something tells me you will know.

Poco1220 12-22-2012 12:29 AM

I'm just trying to find that age where he can grasp it but it won't turn his world upside down. Yknow? Where it will be something he just kind of "always knew about"?
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tinyliny 12-22-2012 12:31 AM

I think it's more important that your son grow up with the understanding that your husband is his REAL father. The sperm means little. It's being a father that matters. If your husband has adopted this boy, (and if he hasn't, he should do so legally ASAP), then you should proceed with an emphasis that HE is "your real dad", and if you mention the biological dad you can call him , your "other " dad . or your "old" dad. or your "blood " dad. I dont' know , but I would not go to any great pains to preserve your son's connection to this bio dad if it in any way jeopardizes his security in knowing your husband as his "real" dad.

nvr2many 12-22-2012 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poco1220 (Post 1810072)
I'm just trying to find that age where he can grasp it but it won't turn his world upside down. Yknow? Where it will be something he just kind of "always knew about"?
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In that case sooner may be better than later. Because when your young its oh, ok, and they go on but the longer you wait it will be more upsetting. Thats just how I see it.


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