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Angel_Leaguer 09-25-2008 09:31 AM

13 year old girl...long rant
So the barn owner where I board was diagnosed with cancer last week… She has been pretty sick for sometime and I have been helping out more. Her husband and her have been taking care of his 13 year-old niece the last year or so. The niece has some bad family issues and basically lived with her mom having free reign on everything that she wanted….

So Stacy has been struggling with the niece ever since I have been boarding out there, there is a constant power struggle, I have been staying out of it totally other then just listening to the ranting.

To help out I have committed to do full barn cleanings 2-3 times a week. That includes cleaning stalls (6 horses in the barn) and then cleaning out the lean-tos, dumping the water troughs, exercising her show mare, and then checking on the horses for sickness, lameness, and she has a mini mare that is due in less then a month so keeping an eye out on her… but the niece is suppose to be helping when she gets home from school and on the weekends...

Stacy’s Uncle has been helping out tremendously. He is a newly retired guy and doesn’t like to sit still. Very nice quite guy (met him a few times in the summer). He has been weed whacking the fence lines, hauled in hay, brought more shavings in, and ordered the grain and hauled that over. He also has been helping out with chores and keeping everything in line.

So last night I got to the barn at about 3:30, I let all of the horses out to pasture, talked with the uncle and then started cleaning. He wasn’t sure where the keys were to the tractor, so we had to hand push the wagon to the manure pile (a little ways from the manure pile) Anyhow the niece got home about 4 ish and never came out the barn. I didn’t really care anyways but then she came out at like 5 and started yelling at me for cleaning “you need to leave right now…” I looked at her…. “Stacy said that since you are doing most of the work im not going to get paid, and I want a new IPod and they won’t buy me one unless I clean and I can’t clean if you are”

I was totally taken back at this; this girl has never spoken to me like this. So I told her to pick up a pitch fork and have at it…more people that do it the quicker it goes. “I can’t my wrist hurts; I have friends that are coming out to help so you need to leave”. I kept cleaning, I had just talked to Stacy the night before and she knew I was coming out to clean and she was very grateful of it. The uncle came into the barn and the niece just went off at him…”why are you still here?? Go take a shower and go home” he mumbled something under his breath and left. I scolded her for that too…he is only there to help out and really doesn’t have to do the stuff he is doing… “Well he is always here, it is soo annoying, he never leaves me alone,” then she stormed off.

About the time that I got the wagon full her two other friends came out… and the niece started bitching at me again… and then she went into a rant about how crabby Stacy has been lately. I couldn’t believe it… I guess I would be a little upset and snappy if I had been hit with something like she has been. I told her and her friends to get going on dumping the wagon. Of course they had to goof around the whole time and ya I was getting really pissy. I thought about leaving but im doing this for the horses and they don’t deserve to get treated badly because of some teenager. They got back in the barn and the niece stormed off. I filled another wagon and had the uncle go get the girls… she was yelling at him the whole time too about him needing to leave she isn’t going to get paid and yada yada… then the Stacy’s husband came home (yaaaaaaaaaaa) and had keys for the tractor but I only had one wagon load left at this time. He let the niece and the friends take it out to the pile. They started riding around in the bucket of the tractor!!!!! Umm I looked at the him and I was like “Ty, you may want to take care of that”…he was very mad… yelled at the girls and then the niece had a few choice words and stormed off.

So the Uncle and I brought all of the horses in and did the feedings and got the feed ready to go for Ty to feed in the morning. I told Ty about my little confrontation so if it ever got brought up then he knew already. He said that she just likes to half ass everything and is getting upset because she isn’t getting paid as much as she thinks she should. He also wanted me to take the keys to the tractor and put them with my tack so that the niece couldn’t take off with the tractor. He also asked if we could come out this weekend and scrap and drag the turnout pens.

Sorry it got soo long but I don’t ever remember being that disrespectful as a 13 year old…my mother would have kicked my behind and then some. I think they are scared to reprimand her for anything because she is the type that would call the cops for abuse (even if there was none). It is sad to see a kid like this…she is going to make life very tough for herself. What would any of you do in a situation like this? I want to help Stacy and Ty as much as possible since Stacy isn’t allowed in the barn anymore and Ty is scared of handling the horses. But I don’t think I can help if the niece is going to be a big witch like that. grrrrr….caught in the middle.

Dumas'_Grrrl 09-25-2008 11:04 AM

I'm sorry angel. You are a good friend and don't deserve her crap. Unfortunately, little teens like this are very hard to "control" she isn't living with her parents so right off the bat she has issues even if she doesn't know what they are. She is most likely scared of the death of her aunt and isn't mature enough mentally to handle the situations.

OK...that said. She really needs a what for!!! I know that my Dad woulda kicked my behind up between my shoulder blades if I behaved like that. ESPECIALLY to friends that are helping out.

I would stay out of it by telling her if she gets into your face again that TY is in charge out here and if she doesn't like it she'll need to take it up with him.

Your helping right now is "invaluable" to them. I'll give ya a pat on the back for that!!! :D

Just try to keep in mind that the situation there is hard...really hard...for everyone involved. Don't focus on her. Focus on the gal and her hubby and the horses. Hang in there!!!!

DashAwayAll 09-25-2008 11:14 AM

A nice slap across her snotty mouth will help.

kickshaw 09-25-2008 11:58 AM

just try to keep a positive attitude and lead by example. If she understands that her little tantrums don't get anywhere with you...then she'll quit. Speak to her like she's an adult (through bared teeth) - and don't answer her unless she does the same.


Hang in there - - I know they appreciate everything you're doing for them!

NorthernMama 09-25-2008 01:05 PM

Oh Angel. That's really awful. First off though it's great that you are helping so much. Keep that always in mind so you can keep a positive attitude.

As for the girl -- well, it sounds like she has some issues possibly from her previous "home" and that Stacey, Ty and the uncle either don't know how to deal with her or are scared to because of the possibility of her making false accusations. I've seen this a few times and here are the two most common solutions that people have used:

1. If she is ever physically abusive, call the cops. Period. If she knows that the adults around her are serious, she will take verbal admonitions more seriously.

2. In the interim, call support organizations for assistance. If any of you know a family that currently works with Children's Services, you might approach them first to get a feel for how receptive your local office is. It would be better to have them on-board *before* something serious happens and the girl runs to them or the cops crying "Wolf!" Anyway, they do have resources to help Ty deal with this hugely stressful situation he is in.

Hope this helps.

TaMMa89 09-25-2008 02:44 PM

I agree with it that the girl have some issues. I think that everything which have been happened to her (earlier family issues, aunt's cancer etc.) make her act up like this. Maybe she feels bad and this is her (undeveloped) way to handle with it (when I was younger I'd a friend who had had and had even then a lot of knots in her life; she vented herself with running amok to her animals and parents).

In my opinion, this girl needs an adult who put some limits to her. If she try to fret to you, stay calm but adamant. Tell her that you've a permission of Stacy and you help her. Scold the girl if you need to do it but stay calm. You needn't to be her backster but she feels safer when there are a person who doesn't give a toss to her rebellion.

Oh, and have to say that you're really sweet person when you help the barnkeeper. I appreciate people like you.

Angel_Leaguer 09-25-2008 03:24 PM

Thanks gals for the support. I drove home last night asking myself “Im I getting too involved with helping?” But then I think about Stacy and then the horses. She loves all of them (even the naughty ones…lol); this spring she rescued a couple mini mares (over 50 some minis were taken from a farm), the mares where scared, underweight, bad feet, etc… and she got all of vet/feet work done and they are healthy friendly little girls. She has a really old mare out there that is basically a pasture pet, The mare is sound but doesn’t have to work anymore and she wont sell because she has had her for soo long she wants her to live out her life calmly. I went to give Ty my boarding pay (for next month) last night and he wouldn’t take it… I know that im doing work but I also have two horses there right now (chloe will go back to grace for a full year lease in a couple weeks)

Anyhow what I’m trying to say is she is immaculate with the barn and her areas. Before she started getting really sick almost every time I got out there to ride the horses where all turned out, stalls cleaned, feed in them ready for night feeding, and barn swept (it is a nice 8 big stall barn.) I just want to try to keep it the same. I like things clean as well…nothing better then the smell of fresh bedding 

I don’t know the full circumstances of why they have the niece. I do know that Ty’s brother got himself into illegal substances and is serving some time for dealing (Ty isn’t like that though) and her mother was supposedly running around a lot and used child support money to get a boob job (I’ve met her once and I think I could confirm that the job was done)….

Dumas: Thanks, I will try to keep a good mind… I was pretty frustrated to see the disrespect to the three of us out there (Uncle, Ty, and Me). I will keep the suggestion in mind with having her discuss stuff with Ty and not me. Im sure when she finds out that I have the tractor keys she will have a fit… But Ty asked me to keep them locked up specifically away from her. He is only doing that as a safety precaution since she may be alone at times and a 13 year old just doesn’t think “be safe”. I did get my butt kicked when I was little (literally). I cleaned many cattle pens for my dad because my mouth got me in trouble. He wouldn’t park the manure spreader by the door either, so I had to wheel borrow everything out initially dump it on the ground and then when everything was clean inside I had to hand pitch everything from the ground into the spreader. I now why he made me do it now…and the I had to clean the horse stuff because they were my horses.

Dash: Thanks; I wanted to…she needs it.

Kickshaw: Thanks; I don’t have much experience with young teenagers, but I will try to not “stoop to her level”. I at first kind of felt bad when she started saying that by me doing the work she isn’t going to get anything cause the work will be done…but that was short lived when I said go grab a fork and we will do this together and her reply was “my wrist hurts”

Northern Mama: I have never seen her physically lash out but I will keep the cops in mind. Ive never had to call on anyone and I don’t know if she could say that I touched her first kind of stuff… I don’t know anyone that works in the child service department but I will research online. I would prefer to not get involved since I barely know the family, but at the same time I am guilty party if I don’t keep a lookout for warning signs. I know they have been struggling with her… Stacy would come out and vent about her to me… I would just listen. Stacy and Ty don’t even have a kid of their own so im sure this has been tough for them (even before Stacy getting sick)

TaMMa89: Thanks, I am a pretty calm person even when I get upset. I was trying to get her to think about things but she wouldn’t have anything to with it. I don’t know what she has really been through… but im only 22 and I have NO skills or experience with this kind of stuff. Im going to just keep Ty in the loop.

Stacy was supposed to have a full hysterectomy yesterday. But when they went they opened it up they found cancer was in the cervix worse then they had thought. I don’t know much about this… But they couldn’t do the surgery because of it. So after her incisions are healed up they are going to start chemo and radiation…and then go back in a few months do the surgery. She may come home tomorrow for a few weeks if all goes well. I haven’t known her very long but I have never had anyone that I was close to diagnosed with cancer. I just feel horrible about it but I know that I have to stay positive for her sake. Sorry to get OT….

I think some of the problem is that the niece was used to getting the attention and now that Stacy is sick she isn’t in the center of attention. I feel bad for the situation but at the same time Im just trying to help out. What have I gotten myself into???

NorthernMama 09-25-2008 04:37 PM


I think some of the problem is that the niece was used to getting the attention and now that Stacy is sick she isn’t in the center of attention. I feel bad for the situation but at the same time Im just trying to help out. What have I gotten myself into???
Ya, she prob. did get lots of attention before, but she also probably got what she wanted too which would make that selfish attitude that she has.

I wouldn't suggest that *you* call Child Services, but Ty could. This would be for counselling support for her maybe, for Ty and the girl only, and support for Ty in how to deal with her and even support for what he and Stacey are going through. Maybe the Uncle would be interested in it???

For your own role in it, I agree with what's been said. Be firm, indicate that you are not in charge, but being guided by Ty and your desire to help all *three* of them in this difficult time. Although it would be deserving, I would not, in your shoes, discipline the girl other than to say that she is being disrepectful and you don't appreciate being treated that way.

As for the cops, I just put that in there because sometimes these situations get out of hand quickly. Hopefully there aren't any other children around.

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