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TrailRiderr 02-28-2013 08:44 AM

Need advice and to vent about "friend"!
Ok. Don't really know where to start. I should have titled it "ex" friend. I've had this friend for about 10 years. We used to be really close, like as in our whole family. Our daughters were best friends, our husbands were best friends, and my friend and I were best friends. We have even went on vacation together as a family three times.
Here lately she has not really been a great friend. Probably at least within the last 2-3 years we have kind of been, slowly drifting apart. She is usually a pretty busy person and I did try to keep that in mind. But with texting and facebook, which she does all the time on her phone, you would think she could at least send a text or something to say hey or how are you doing. I am always the one who calls or text first. And I mean, I have waited, weeks to see if she would text me first. She always replies back at first, but as the conversation goes on a little she stops. And I am kinda left hanging like ok, guess she is done. I mean if we were supposed to be best friends, that's what best friends do, is need each other just because and call or text out of the blue if you haven't heard from each other in a while, right??. The only time she text me first seems to be when she needs something. I just have been feeling like I am putting everything in the friendship and not getting anything back. My husband knows I have been upset like as in, in tears about it. And thinks she is not a very good friend. She seems to be an all about herself type of person. That makes my husband upset because he doesn't like to see me hurt.
Her and her husband have been having trouble and fighting a lot (another time when she seems to want to hang out with me) We drank a few beers one day at my house when she was all aggravated at her husband and she knows that my husband really didn't want me hanging out with her anymore. She was quite drunk and my husband got home from work saw she was drunk and then went and got her husband to take her home. That really ticked her off, so there was a big old spat with her and my husband kicked her out of our house because she was flipping out on him wanting to know why we couldn't hang out, he was trying to explain and she kept getting louder and louder and cussing. He told her she needed to leave, she kept going and she lifted her hand up to hit him and he literally picked her up and put her outside! Wow! I talked to her about it the next day. She said he was dead to her and she was done with him. I explained why he didn't want us to hang out, that I always call her first and she only calls or text if she needs something and he just doesn't think you are a very good friend. She said nothing! So I am like, ok that's nice. :? Not a good sign. If she is done with my husband and he is dead to her I guess I am too. I mean my hubby is a great guy and he has always been there for me. Unlike her. She wasn't there for me a few months ago when my mom passed away. I mean she did come to the funeral, she text me and asked how she was doing a couple times. My mom was sick for almost 4 months before she passed! I really needed her, like to talk to :cry: I am just glad I had my husband then.
But wait, there's more! I found out, like earlier in the day all the above happened. That one of her horses, a young coming three year old was sick. I hadn't talked to her since New Years. This was the first of February when I found out about her horse. She told me he hadn't eaten hay in two weeks only a mixture of sweet feed, corn and beet pulp. For TWO WEEKS!! She said he was skin and bones. She had him in the barn, I went in and to look at him. I really wish I wouldn't have, he looked horrible!! She never even called a vet!! She said that she had tried three different kinds of hay and he wouldn't eat any of it. Now this horse was my favorite horse of hers. He was so sweet and very submissive. I know that all her other horses wouldn't let him eat and he would always just go off by himself in the summer out in the pasture. So I know that is what has happened this winter. Well, as I am sure you figured out I found out a few days later from her step daughter on FB, the horse died (and it was supposedly her horse, the step daughter's that is, but she hadn't been out to see the poor guy in months!) I am mad at myself!! I wish I would have just told her off then! I should have called someone, but I know our animal control really sucks, big time!! He had hay and water in front of him and all her other horses looked fine, it would have taken too long. It was too late by time I found out. Just makes me sick! That is another reason I am done! I would NEVER, EVER treat a horse or any animal this way! If one of my horses didn't eat hay for not even two DAYS I would call my vet! I for sure don't want a friend that would treat an animal like this!
Ok so here is my advice I need. We have always tried to hang out on our birthdays. We both have b-days in March. Her bday is before mine. I don't want to look like the bad person and not wish her a happy birthday in someway. I know I am not going to call her like I usually do or hang out with her. But should I at least send a text or tell her on facebook?? Or just not at all?? I am very hurt and disgusted with her. I am done kissing her butt! I just don't want to look like the jerk, even though I know I am not the one who is the jerk, but that is the way she will see it. I have never told her how I feel. I am one to keep things inside and not talk about it. So there I think I am done, sorry this turned out to be long but I had to get it off of my chest. Thank you to everyone who read all that!

Speed Racer 02-28-2013 09:05 AM

If you're done with the friendship then why try to keep dragging it on by sending her birthday wishes, especially if you don't mean them?

If you feel you need closure, you can always send her a text, letter, or e-mail stating that you believe the friendship has run its course, and you feel it's time both of you move on. Then delete all her contacts.

Fourteen 02-28-2013 09:06 AM

Your friend sounds like her life is in a downward spiral, and things are getting out of control. It's awful, but the horse was just collateral damage to the turmoil she's living in.

You don't have to take that journey down with her, but you don't need to abandon her either. Keep doing what you can to be a friend, stand your emotional ground, and one day if she truly was your good friend to begin with, she will come around.

Right now you're hurt because she's not meeting your "friend expectations" and because she's not acting like a good person. Once you are past that anger and hurt you will be able to approach the situation more objectively and you will be able to be friends without being emotionally dependant on her, and without allowing her to hurt you.

wetrain17 02-28-2013 09:28 AM

I don't think there is anything wrong with wishing her a happy birthday. There are some people where that is all the communication I have is wishing eachother a happy birthday. I wouldn't go out of your way to do anything special. I wouldnt even send a card, just a short text that says "happy birthday" and be done with it.

I do think that this friendship has run its course and you shouldn't waste any more of your time or tears for someone who wont give you the time of day on trying to make it work.

Bellasmom 02-28-2013 09:49 AM

You are over thinking the whole situation. If you don't want to be friends, don't. Who cares what she thinks about you at this point? You are wasting way too much time and energy analyzing this "relationship" IMO.

TrailRiderr 02-28-2013 09:56 AM

Thank you everyone.
wetrain~ that is what I was pretty much thinking, but like speedracer said I don't want to make her think I still want to be best friends. I have thought about a letter of some sort. But then I feel I should just let it go.

fourteen~ I feel like I have been doing that for the past couple of years. She comes back and wants to hang out on her terms and then I don't hear from her for months.

TrailRiderr 02-28-2013 09:59 AM

Bellasmom~ Thanks, good point. I guess I am overthinking it and actually using way to much feeling into it. It's just hard when we used to feel like family :(

Speed Racer 02-28-2013 10:04 AM

Not all friendships last a lifetime. Remember what you had, but don't think you're obligated to stay friends just because you used to be close.

Iseul 02-28-2013 10:29 AM

Personally..I'd stay friends.
I know many people who are great friends, yet they take "breaks" every so often when they'd rather be alone than have someone to talk to. I'm the same way.

I have a friend, Morgan, best friends since..kindergarten? We talked every single day for years..And then her pap died and she wanted nothing to do with anyone, at all. I gave her my condolences and let her know that I'd be there when she was ready to talk about it and I was only a text away. We didn't talk for almost a year and a half.

We have times when we're both too busy to send a text. We both have boyfriends that have limited schedules because of either family or work..neither of us are willing to give that up, and we still take a day off every once in awhile to hangout just ourselves and maybe a couple other friends.

My mum has a friend, we'll call her M, that will go MIA when she gets rid of a boyfriend for a few months while she sulks..My mum sends texts here and there, but otherwise she gives M her space. It's just how some people deal with things, and that's okay.

I, personally, would've told my boyfriend to shove it if he tried to tell me I couldn't hang out with a best friend because they were going through a hard time and didn't make the best decisions. I can't tell you to do the same because I don't know if that bothers you. By the time you grow up (you're older than me, I'm only turning 19), you can make the decision of who is a bad influence that can persuade you to do the same, and who is a bad influence that you want to help make a good influence again.

While I agree with SR completely on the fact that you are in no way obligated to stay friends, it isn't always as cut and dry.

My friend Morgan is a sister to me, not just a friend. We've had huge fights, we've had times where they only reason we called/texted was because we needed something, etc. Morgan has always given back to me in the friendship though, never just taken. There have been stretches where all she did was take, but I've had those same stretches during hard times myself (emotional, money isn't an issue and never was, too young).
My point with the above is: Make sure you think about if she's ever given to you at all and if you guys share times of need when you call on one another. While I don't talk to Morgan all the time, I love her to death and I'll put my day/week on hold to help her in an emergency if need be. Even if we haven't talked in a year.

The last time we fought was because of another friend in the that what happened to you and your friend? I don't ever remember actually doing something that caused us to fight, nor her. I remember a friend taking something I said out of context and twisted the words. This friend was a good friend of mine, but also another best friend/childhood friend of Morgan's. Eventually there's a time when she'll realize that I always have her back, even when she's pissed at me or I'm pissed at her. It's going to take more than 15yrs (about how long we've been friends..and actually talking instead of making baby sounds haha) since she hasn't completely got it yet..and I'm sure I haven't either..but eventually we'll both understand that we're best friends and always have each other's backs when someone wants to start or say something, even if we aren't all the way there yet. Sure, we'll move apart since she plans on going to Florida and I plan on staying in PA/OH..but my gut tells me that we'll always be there for each other, even when it feels like one is taking more than the other or we don't talk for awhile. There's always facebook if numbers change or phones/contacts get lost, lol. my own, young soapbox, haha.
Basically..just go over everything your friendship has endured and make the decision on whether you want to help her through whatever she is going to, wait it out until she wants to talk, or drop the friendship..It's up to you and we can't really tell you what's best.
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Speed Racer 02-28-2013 10:36 AM

Iseul, if someone I knew stated MY HUSBAND was dead to them, that would kill any friendliness I had toward them, especially since it was their own fault they were asked to leave my home for being drunk and obnoxious.

This woman sounds toxic, not 'going through things' and 'needing understanding'. Everyone has stresses and relationship issues, but I don't see the majority treating their friends like garbage, getting drunk and disorderly, or expecting someone to pick THEM over a spouse.

There are times when friendships need to end. In my opinion, this is one of those times. If you continually excuse bad behavior you're giving that person permission to treat you like crap.

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