Ok guys... I am trying to write a book. Here is a little bit of it, harsh critiques welcome! As you can see... May is a little spoiled. Just a tad :D
I stopped for a second to admire the show barn. Willow Tree Stables was magnificent, there was no denying that. The show barn was where the most expensive horses lived, at upwards of $300,000, but my horse was worth $900,000 and was the second most expensive horse there. The barn has three aisles, laid in classic brick, with beautiful oak wood stalls on either side. The ceiling was upwards of twenty feet tall, with plenty of skylights that kept the barn light and airy.
Two years ago, I had an old, small, generic Quarter Horse named Chestnut, that compared to these awe striking horses, was an ugly old tiny nag. And that it was I thought. I wasted my time riding Chestnut every day when I was young.
Chestnut is long gone, replaced by Schön, my Oldenburg stallion. Schön means beautiful in German, where Schön came from. He is 7 years old. I inherited him from my great uncle nine months ago. Hearing clip clops, I turned around. It was about time.
“Here is Seon,” Javier said tentatively.
“Did you just say Seon? His name Schön, pronounced s-h-o-e-w-n,” I replied angrily. How dare the little imbecile insult me in such way by pronouncing my horses name wrong!
“Sorry miss,” Javier replied.
“You’re done here,” I snapped. I really needed to find a personal groom. Tiffany and Beryl had only last a couple weeks. I don’t know why. I grabbed Schön from Javier and pulled him outside. I turned to inspect Schön to make sure at least Javier had groomed him correctly. I couldn’t help but to sigh, he was groomed to a perfection, at least Javier got that right. Schön’s coat was as white as snow, and he better not turn any other shade. I went to inspect my custom Devoucoux saddle, which looked clean, but needed to be oiled. One more thing to remind Javier of! My snaffle, bridle, martingale, 5 point breastplate, and boots were all shining clean, although a little scratch was showing up on the leather boots. I would need to replace them soon.
I pulled down my stirrups and put on my helmet. I hopped on Schön, and he exploded. He started prancing in place, then lifted off his hind legs and reared! Feeling him coil up underneath me again, I quickly dismounted and let go of the reins.
“JAVIER,” I screamed. Javier came running out of the barn. “Did you LUNGE Schön? At ALL?”
“Yes miss,” he mumbled, scrambling to catch Schön. I stomped into the barn and turned into the lounge. Dumping my helmet on the floor, I settled into a comfy chair and pulled out my cell to call Tyla Whiteston, Schön’s trainer.
“Hi Tyla, it’s May.”
“Oh, hello May! What has Schön done now? Where are you?”
“He reared on me! I don’t think Javier lunged him. I am in the show barn lounge.”
“I am on my way,” she sighed, and hung up the phone. Stalking over to the fridge, I pulled my salad out of it. Might as well eat. A few minutes later, Tyla walked in.
“I put Schön in the roundpen, Javier is putting side reins on. Do you want to watch?” Tyla queried.
I sighed, “In a little bit.”
Love it so far!!!
Please keep writing it, I'd totally buy it if you got it published!!!
It's cool that you made the main character so spoilt and posh, that brings the story into a whole new perspective! Nicely done!
Thanks! I have to admit... I haven't worked on it recently. I will go head off and write some more. I am also editing some of this. She will be adopted, for one.
Awesome! I can't wait to read more of it! :D
Ooooh, it's so catty! I want to read more! :lol:
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OKAY. I'm going to nitpick a *teensy* bit. So far, it's nice. I'm disliking this May character - BUT I think I'm supposed to, yes? :D If I knew someone like that I might have to slap some sense into her.
My first nitpick - you switch tenses a little bit. While most of is in past tense, I see little slips like "The barn HAS three aisles, laid in classic brick." And after the bit about the grooms only lasting a few weeks - "I don't know why" works okay, but I feel like it should be "I had no idea why," just to go with the rest of the tense.
And then the bit about rearing: "Lifted OFF his hind legs" - So, he was doing a handstand?! That's impressive! (Should be lifted off his front legs, or lifted onto his hind legs.)
Other than that, and a few small word errors (had only last a couple of weeks, as opposed to lasted) it's great! :D (Sorry if I'm too picky...)
GamingGrrl- thank you!
Shoebox- thank you for the critique! And I am cringing as I writing this story at May's character, and so no, you are not really supposed to like her all the much! This is my very first draft, I am planning on changing it a bit.
I have written another page, and it is a little slow- both writing and the story-line - but it is coming along! I wrote an extremely shortened version of the story down to a front and back of handwritten writing, just of the plot basically, and showed it to a friend, her words were "my god that is depressing!"
Basically May's life just falls apart. And she will get nicer towards the end also. As a teaser, here is the first three sentences on the next page.
Schön’s white front legs lifted up into the air, pawing at nothing. I fell onto the ground, sharp gravel biting into my hands and through my breeches. Schön dropped down and dug into the ground with his left foreleg, then charged at me.
That's what I figured- something would happen where she'd learn some humility!
I look forward to reading the next page! It's a suspenseful sneak peek!
Please write more! I want to see more of May's character! Haha, she better change her ways!
This should be a great read.
I'm glad someone who knows writing is around to help you. I can only point out things that an average Joe reader notices in these stories.
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