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Britt 01-21-2009 10:44 PM

Am I Depressed...?
Am I depressed... Yeah, you read right.

I dunno, but I've just asked my grandmother if I could start taking my anti-depressant meds again after being off them for about a year and a half. I was on them for a few months after my uncle, who was like my dad in all aspects except for bioligically, died back on March 22 2006. He died six days before my own sisxttenth birthday and just a day before my colt (that me, my uncle, had got for me by breeding my mare) turned a year.
I was very torn up emotionally by his death, and I'll admit, it still bothers me. I can't think about my uncle without crying and I can't even listen to the music he used to listen to without tearing up and crying and feeling very upset. I can't even think about my uncle because it makes me so upset that I cry for hours, or I get so quiet and 'relive' the day he died in my mind.

I think part of my guilt from his death is because I never told his goodbye, and my last words to him were from a huge fight we had the day before he died where I told him that I hated him, though me and him both knew that I didn't mean it, I was just upset and lashing out.

His birthday was a few weeks ago, and I went and put flowers on his grave... and it tore me up inside because I was so upset, though I tried to hide it from my friends that day...

When he died and I was on anti-depressants, my emotions ran wild and off track. I'd find myself crying or tearing up at the slightest things, and I kept migraine headaches and didn't want to get out and do things. My friend Hannah literally had to drag me out of the house to go horseback riding, because I didn't want to ever do anything. I was seeing a 'shrink' for a while.

Lately, I've begun to wonder if maybe I'm depressed again. A few of my family members are on anti-depressants... close family members. My aunt and my cousin are the worst, and my aunt is on Prozac for her depression hers gets so bad.

Lately (the past month) my emotions have been raging again and I've felt like I couldn't control myself. I feel like one minute i'm happy and elated and the next I'm so sad that I'm strugging to keep back tears. I've found myself tearing up at the slightest things, getting jealous at the smallest little things, and I haven't really been feeling 'happy' lately. I've been craving food, not because I'm hungry, either... but just to have something to do/eat... I want to stay busy, but I'll often blank out and just stare off into space thinking about absolutely nothing, and when I 'come back' I'll find myself feeling so bad and upset that I can't concentrate.

Am I depressed again? Should I start back up on my anti-depressants? I dunno... but I just took an anti-depressant pill, and I think I'm going to start back up on them and see if I get to feeling a little better...

Kentucky 01-21-2009 11:16 PM

I understand your guilty, but I believe that your uncle knows the truth. I hope you find the peace in your life, you so baddly need.

i will be praying for you, reguardless.

Britt 01-21-2009 11:18 PM

I can't when I can't forgive myself for not going up there to the hospital and seeing him, even though he always said that he didn't want me to see him when he was hospitalized. I can't forgive myself for telling him that I hated him the night before he did, either, I've tried. I don't know how to go about forgiving myself for saying those things to him and for being so angry with him...

Kentucky 01-21-2009 11:28 PM

i feel that guilty plus the deal with your ex, is adding up to causeing you to feel depressed.

it will be ok, and I promise you that.

Britt 01-21-2009 11:32 PM

You think so.. I hadn't even added my ex into this... I thought it was mostly my guilt over my uncle, because it started before Christmas and I think of him whether I want to or not on all holidays and all... well, you get what I mean.

free_sprtd 01-21-2009 11:38 PM

I can understand how you're feeling :(. It sounds like in the past the anti-depressants didn't help? Have you thought about finding a different couselor to talk to....someone who you might feel really comfortable with? It sounds like you could be getting depressed, but you might be able to coach yourself back to feeling level with your emotions. It really sounds like you need to find a way to be ok with what happened and forgive yourself because he's not holding you to it. There is too much to be missed in this life to let it pass you by. Maybe it would be better to look into a long term fix, instead of a temporary one? Some way for you to come to terms with things? I'm sorry you are going through this right now and hope you are able to be happy with whatever decision you make. To me it sounds like funks I have gotten into before and been able to pull out of. What you were going through before sounded like depression, but this sounds like a rut (sp?). just my opion. Good luck :)

Britt 01-22-2009 12:19 AM

I think I'm going to talk to my aunt... she did say she was open to talk anytime I wanted or needed...

I just dunno how to come to terms with it... not his death, per say... but the fact that I never told him goodbye or I love you or that I was sorry and forgave him about or arguement we had before he died.

free_sprtd 01-22-2009 01:18 AM

That's where faith comes into play, which I did read your break up thread, so I understand why that part is hard for you to get past. I'm kind of at a stump on that part because I do not know exactly how you feel about death and what happens with souls ect....that's something we don't have to talk about, but maybe you can say you love him and that you're sorry but celebrating his life. Like everytime the anniversary rolls around, do something special about what a great man he was, and your relationship together and what he meant to everyone else. Use the wisdom he gave you in your everyday life and decision making. And maybe talking to your aunt would be good thing. Im sure he doesn't hold you against the argument because that's life....people fight, then they fix it. The ony difference here is that you were not able to right the wrong, but that's ok because it would have been righted would you have had the chance. If I were in your position, I might even make a scrapbook and keep track of all the memories, then when you are feeling low, you can go back to it and remind yourself what life is worth living for. Everyone has their time, and none of us know when that is. Sorry not of much help, but hope you find your peace.

PaintedLady 01-22-2009 01:27 AM

I think that's a question we all ask ourselves from time to time. And I agree that drugs are never the solution. You are doing the best thing there is to do. Talk it out. And force yourself to face the fact that even though your 'better sense' *tells* you all is forgiven, your *self* still has a hard time 'dealing.' You are just going to have to 'straighten out 'self'! :wink:

Jehanzeb 01-22-2009 04:34 AM

The shortest solution I would suggest it to stand and fight your fears/anxieties. People who try to find shortcuts aren't brave enough to face their fears.

I am sure you will be able to come out of this situation, if and only if you try to keep yourself busy at work (that is any kind of work). Involve yourself into different activities, perhaps organize a social event or something.

The more you'll be within and around people the better it is. Thinking too much and staying alone will only make things worst.

That's what I think.


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