It just keeps getting better *VENT**LONG*
Honestly, right now I just want to run around screaming and cursing anything alive and anything not alive so I think it's safe to say I am not in a good mood right now... Not that that's any different from normal lately.
Around 11 weeks ago I fell over. Just simply fell over backwards and landed on one arm while trying to protect my previously dislocated left shoulder blade. I had no feeling in my right thumb/hand/wrist all the way to my elbow for a day, and when I got the feeling back it was really sore, so of course, I went and got it checked. They didn't xray, they just told me that I had likely damaged some tendons on my arm and that it would self-resolve in the next few weeks. I accepted that and went about daily life, with some pain. The pain I could handle, because I am in pain 24/7 anyway thanks to scoliosis and uneven/oddly sized pelvis so this was just another leaf in my booklet, so to speak.
A few weeks later, it wasn't getting any better, and I am training to be a vet nurse, so I need the use of both arms... I'm also right-handed, and I can't write due to the inability to use my thumb and wrist*brilliant*. I went to my own hospital and they sent me for x-rays, which come back clear, but they had a query about the scaphoid bone, so they put me in plaster while waiting for a radiologists report.
A week later the report was back, no breaks, possible tendon/ligament/muscle damage, so I was then put on ACC and sent off for physiotherapy. I had that 2x weekly with no effect apart from making my bank account shrivel and gasp. I went back to my own personal doctor and he referred me to a pain specialist.
The pain specialist sent me for an MRI, which was about the most painful thing I have had done in a hospital, due to being strapped to a table for almost 2 hours completely immobile, my back and shoulder hated me for that one and I was almost crying in pain by the time they finished the scan... and I don't cry from pain very often.
I failed two practical exams in this time due to not being able to hold things correctly, and also failed several written papers due to needing a reader writer, and my anxiety getting the better of me when needing to tell the reader writer what I wanted written down. I gave up on reader writers and suffered through the pain of writing, where I still failed exams due to having to stop writing from the pain and non-cooperation of my thumb while holding a pen. Eventually I just gave up and just kind of went "ohwell... Ffff this, I'm done."
School holidays time... YAY, think I would catch a break right? Not so much, I got violently ill on the last day of term and didn't get to hand in two assignments, it has now been a week and 4 days since I first got sick, and I'm only just coming right now. I've had blood tests and doctors appointments, and now my doctor is on holiday so I have to wait for my results until next week, the first week of term 3. I'm knackered, physically and mentally, I don't want to go back to course anymore, even though I loved what I was doing, I've just had enough.
Today, I had another appointment with the pain specialist, as it turns out, I will be needing surgery on my hand due to one of the ligaments attached to my thumb having been torn and detached from my thumb. Well that's just great *cue the violent cursing and breaking of household items*, so now I'm waiting for an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to discuss the procedure that will take place, and everything else that goes with surgery.
I'm so sick of this, not only is my physical health crap, but my mental health is going downhill fast with no way of stopping. I have had depression and anxiety in the past, and I know **** well that my depression is back worse than it's ever been, it has been for months but up until recently I've been able to hide it from people, now I get the questions "are you ok?" "what's wrong?" "I think you should go home." from my tutors, my doctors, the pain specialist, and friends. The only people that haven't seen it, or are turning a blind eye, is my family, who I live with.
I'm so sick of having to put on a happy face because I hate the questions that people ask and the things that they say, because usually I can hold it together until I'm asked a question, but apparently, my exterior has been cracking lately and I'm not holding it together as well as I thought.
I can't even ride because I can't hold a set of reins, or do up a girth. Now that really gets to me, because that's the only thing that was keeping my depression at bay, and now that's been taken away from me. This always happens. Maybe I should just sell the horses and forget I ever had them, they deserve better anyway.
And I have to wait another week to see my doctor because he's on holiday, so my blood test results and everything will have to wait, i was really hoping I would get an appointment for tomorrow because I'm really not coping in any aspect of the word.
I'm tired, physically and mentally. I'm sick of constantly fighting one battle after another, or several battles all at once. Constantly. But I feel like an idiot because I know there are people worse off than me and here's me sitting here complaining.
Cookies to anybody who read that, I know it's extremely long and it's not exactly the happiest of posts I've ever written.
<3 PM me if you need to. I'm just on my phone & can't type a lot
I need to stop reading posts like this...I'm all hyped and ready to help, only to realise they live so far away from me :evil:
I'm sorry this has happened to you and I'm too far away to help :-(
Thanks guys, it means a lot it really does. I just have no idea where to go from here. It's like I'm walking up the side of a cliff and every step I make in any direction sends me downhill in a landslide.
I'm so sorry you are going through such tough times. I also have scoliosis and struggle with depression. Dealing with the two conditions on a daily basis whilst trying to maintain a normal, regular life like everyone else is living can certainly take it out of you both physically and mentally. Throw extra c**p into the mix and it's no wonder you feel like you do.
I haven't been allowed to ride for months as I've been blacking out (turns out now I have a dicky heart). I have spent many sleepless nights wondering if I should give the horses up as some days I barely have the strength to groom them. In truth, they're perfectly happy lazing around on their extended summer holiday and I know that without them right now I'd probably fall apart completely. I am hopeful that with time and appropriate treatment things will improve, as they will for you, too.
It's not fair and you deserve so much better, but you will get through this, one step at a time, as no doubt you have overcome hurdles in your life before.
Feel free to PM me. Wishing you all the very best on your road to recovery. X
Yeah, but even the horses are miserable at the moment, we are at the end of winter and it's a very wet start to spring so they're not enjoying the weather much, coupled with the fact that I need help to feed them because I can't physically carry three buckets on my own even though they aren't very heavy, I just don't have enough functioning hands.
I will get through it I know I just hate the fact that every time I seem to progress in something in my life, it is taken away from me, or disapproved of. My parents didn't even want me to do the vet nursing course this year, so i am constantly reminded of that which doesn't help the stress.
It's gotten to the point where I am nauseated every single night and can't sleep thanks to it, so I spend all night sat up in bed waiting to either get up, or fall asleep sitting up if i'm lucky.
Now I have the stress of how do i pay for surgery? I'm hoping that either it will all be covered by ACC or my health insurance(thankyou mum and dad) but insurance always has excess, and ACC is becoming that way too.
Ugh, I have to stop thinking about all of this, it is not helping me at all at this very moment :(
I'm even sick of my miniature right now who used to always cheer me up, she's constantly nickering over the fence and wanting cuddles, now the nickering just gets on my nerves and I have to walk away muttering how badly I want her to find a new home, but I know I couldn't do that, because she's not doing it on purpose, its my up to crap emotions that's doing it.
The past few weeks I've been really quite sick with everything that I eat. Anything I ingest that isn't water gives me severe stomach cramps and nausea, along with bloating bad enough to make me look 6 months pregnant. I've been to the doctors several times every week and he couldn't figure out what was causing it, he did multiple pregnancy tests (all negative) and blood tests and everything that all come back fine, so I kept getting given more pills to take, and less answers. I lost almost 10kg last week, and every day my weight fluctuates up to 5kg.
My doctor was at a complete loss, and I was (and still am) drugged up to the eyeballs on anti-nausea tablets, anti-inflammatory tablets, and anti-cramping tablets.
Today I went back to the doctors and he finally had an idea, he went to palpate my stomach again, and when he touched in underneath my right ribs, I almost screamed. It felt like I had just been stabbed from behind, right between my ribs, through my gall bladder, and out the front of my ribs. I have had many physical injuries and none have ever given me that kind of pain so badly before.
So I'm waiting for a CT scan now, and I got sent away for MORE bloods, and another pregnancy test(will be negative I can assure you!) as my doctor thinks that I may have gallstones. I'm 18!
I'm incredibly sore where he palpated me now, I can't sit down for long, can't bend over, still can't eat, can't laugh or take any deep breaths, but yet I never realised I was sore until he touched me there.
Gallstones. Great, just what I needed. I have no doubt he's correct either, considering both my granddad and great granddad suffered gallstones. Woopee for me -_-
You could have an issue even without the stones like I do! To diagnose that you'd need a HIDA (sp?) scan
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What kind of scan is that? And how do they do it? I've never even heard of that type of scan.
The only foods I can eat without problems are very bland things, like potato and pumpkin, literally just plain fruit and veggies.
I had a chicken sandwich yesterday and that was about the worst I've ever felt to date.
I just want to be able to ride and eat properly again D: I had a friend come out and ride mitch for me, that was an utter embarrassment, he seemed to forget that he had a left turn signal and knows how to respond to it. He even started crow hopping and taking off to the right... The girl knew how to handle it but still, thats my horse, I should be working out his kinks during the spring time, not her!
I've even been sleeping sitting up on an angle, it's always worse at night and I can't lie down in any position.
I can't wait for 2013 to be over. Seriously. Worst year so far *touch wood*
But otherwise, girly that's a LOT to deal with!!! It's totally okay to not be able to hold it together. You have to be kind to yourself, especially after dealing with all of that.
If you need anything, I'm around! We're also in the same country, which helps things! Last thing you want to do is deal with timezones, urgh...
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