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RememberPearl 08-01-2013 05:39 PM

Should I Continue?
I know that my grammar is not great so please ignore it. I just want to know if I should continue this.


More the four thousand years ago a man named Job complained to God about all his problems. It is said that God answered him "Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? Do you make him leap like a locust, striking terror with his proud snorting? He paws the ground fiercely rejoicing in his strength and charges into the fray. He laughs at fear,afraid of nothing, he does not shy away from the sword. The quiver rattles against his along with the flashing spear and lance. In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground, he can not stand still when the trumpet sounds."

Nearly stretched out flat against the ground as he gallops the massive black horse gallops across the field as he and his rider lead a group of troops towards a unit of grey clad men. Astride his muscular back his rider, Laura, unsheathes her red handled sword. In the bright sunlight the sword gleams along its lethal double edged blade. As the powerful black horse nears the group Laura points the blade forward and for the first time notices fear upon the faces of her enemies. She can almost see the whites of their eyes as her black mount strikes down the first man with his hooves.

This is all I have so far. What do you think?

xJumperx 08-01-2013 09:56 PM

95 Attachment(s)
I'm loving the beginning. Please, continue.

Roadyy 08-02-2013 07:12 AM

Pretty good start and I can see it being a good read. Remember there is no need to constantly remind the reader of the color of the horse. Mentioning attributes of the horse is fine as long as they aren't repetitive often. Same goes with all other things whether it be characters, swords, buildings etc. Too much of it will take focus off of the story.

Looking forward to reading more.

RememberPearl 08-02-2013 08:07 PM

Here is another paragraph for chapter 1. This one introduces 2 new characters and the name of Laura's war horse. I hope it also shows Laura's relationship with the one character clear enough and if it doesn't just tell me.

The scent of spent gunpowder and blood hangs heavy in the air as Laura looks around at the carnage of the battle field. A women astride a horse very similar to Laura's comes to a stop next to Laura and says "Laura I have known you since the two of us were in diapers and this has got to take the cake for the most nutty things we have done. With each battle we fight in wonder if the 2007 will be the same if we ever find a way to get back. I'm scared.," Looking at the women Laura says "Jen I'm your best friend, do you honestly think that I would let anything bad happen to you. Beside me you have Fuego to keep you safe, he's a brave gelding and I'm no chicken either. If we do find a way to get back to 2007 it will be the same as the one we were forced to leave behind. We never asked to be taken back in time to the 1860s in the middle of the bloody American Civil War. I will keep you safe even if I have to die trying.," Smiling Jen says " Don't forget you have Tempest, he's probably the most formidable stallion I have ever met. Fuego and Tempest keep us safe sure, but we're still mortal Laura as are the horses. A bullet or cannonball can still kill us. I just want to go home.," Patting Tempest on his broad left shoulder Laura says "There is a legend about fallen knights returning as great horses. With each passing day I believe more and more that our horse were probably once knights. They have seen battle before if that's true and we'll find a way back to the future with their help either way." Then she nudges her great horse forward, back onto the body strewn field.

It needs some work but I will probably fix it as I am writing the next paragraph.

xJumperx 08-02-2013 08:56 PM

95 Attachment(s)
I love the plot. Really, really love it. Just try to make sure you aren't being too blunt with everything. Make us think!! We want to make our own opinions of who these people are, what they are like, the world around them, etc. If you are feeding us every little aspect as point blank as possible, it sucks out a bit of the creativity and fun of reading. Details are wanted, yes, but let the details explain the bottom line.

I hope you can catch what I'm saying, it may be a bit difficult to comprehend to those who don't write.

Roperchick 08-02-2013 09:06 PM

Well I definitely give it a thumbs up since I have that bible verse tattooed on mi body ;).

RememberPearl 08-02-2013 09:21 PM

Here is what I have of the next paragraph.

Turning away from the now ruined field Laura points Tempest in what she believes is a northern direction. Behind her the group of soldiers, all astride their horses, looks like a solid black mass. Beneath her the stallion arches his neck, mouthing the snaffle bit, his muscles rippling with untapped power. Laura, holding the reins loosely in her left hand, looks ahead at the trail ahead. Her mind and body snaps to attention when she sees a blurr of grey in some brush. Then instinct takes over when her eyes the catch a glint of mental and she jerks back sharply on the reins. Tempest half rears, squealing as he scrambles backwards. To prove what she had said earlier Laura jabs her mounts right side with her heel, forcing him to slam into Jen's brawny horse. Then she feels the bullet as her vision is filled with a blinding light.

Does that leave you wondering?

xJumperx 08-04-2013 12:15 AM

95 Attachment(s)
Much better!! Keep it going!!

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