How to nicely tell someone to 'back off'
I'm kind of stuck :-(
So I'm moving my riding horse and mini to grazing in town so they are close to me. No problem there.
I have an almost yearly filly who my mother and her friend have become rather attached to. Granted, they have been looking after her (I've been paying for food and feet) whilst I've been working away, however she remains 'mine'. I would like to take her to the same grazing once I have brought on my riding mare a bit. However, my mother wants me to leave her up the farm.
This would be wonderful as it would let her stretch and grow. However, the farm is a good hour and a half drive from where I will be living and my mother wont handle her, as in, no grooming, no walking, no nothing, bassically a paddock orniment.
My mum and her friend are digging their heels in as currently my filly is grazed with the friend's 3 year old gelding and are getting along swimmingly. No one likes my mare (the mother of the filly) and they think putting them back together will teach the filly bad manners. However, they will be in different paddocks and once my mare is off the dairy grass at the farm she is an angel.
They are both under the impression that my filly should be left to run around with the gelding up on the farm, yet they still want to show her etc. I would love to show her but I think she needs to be accessable to me so I can actually bond with her and provide proper care rather than throw food at her and pet her over the fence.
How to I politly tell them to back off? :-( I'm a bit of a push over (a lot of a push over) and I don't want to upset any one. However, she is my horse even if they have looked after her whilst I've been away. I plan to take her back up the farm with her mother to winter out and grow but I would really like to have her close by and actually handle her.
Any thoughts would be apriciated. I've made my intentions clear but they are ignoring me, saying she will be fine up the farm with the gelding and that I'll have my hands full with the mare. :-( I can see their point but they can't see mine.
Thanks for reading :-)
This whole thing is hampered by the fact that I wont actually be home for another 12 days.
You're legally an adult, right? I mean, you have your own place and pay for your horses' keeping out of your own pocket?
I mean, she's your horse, they can't stop you from taking her. I think the best thing to do, as hard as it is, is going to be to toughen up a little bit and just tell them that you're "taking her to get an early start on her training and it's not up for discussion".
I'd probably just say something like "Thank you for looking after her, and caring about where she goes but I'm ready to have her now and start her education, although if you ever miss her you're welcome to come and visit!". If they push I'd just say again "Thanks, but I've already decided to bring her back".
The reason they're weighing in is because they think you'll change your mind, or they think they should be included. The best way to shut this sort of conflict down, in my opinion, is to stop treating it like a decision that has yet to be made, or one that they have a part in. You've made your decision and that is that.
However, I wouldn't say this until I am ready to move the filly. When you want them to react a certain way, set the parameters of their answers when asking your questions. Instead of asking if it's okay to pick up a horse a certain day, say a Sunday, ask if Saturday or Sunday is better. Refrain from discussing or asking their opinion, and if they comment on it just let it go. If you don't open the opportunity for discussion they can't get very far.
Yes I'm an adult. 24 and working my butt off which is why they had to look after her. Toughening up is not my strong point but I think I really have to here. They are treating me like a little kid and it is really downheartening. I just don't want to upset any one but I want what's best for my filly. Sitting on a diary farm munching on lush grass and hard food, not getting groomed and having no handling is not what is best.
If you want a different approach, maybe draw up a list of daily tasks (like grooming etc) and training schedule for the filly. Present your Mum with this "program". Tell her that as she wants the filly to stay, this is what she will have to commit to doing, especially if they want to show her. Tell them that not following this schedule will be detrimental to the filly's chances. Make it a fairly onerous list and maybe the reality of why the filly needs to be with you, where you can work with her, will hit home? It might backfire though if they are willing to actually follow through with the work. :-) Good luck!
Haha that is actually a good idea. However they will probably turn around and tell me it's not nessacary. I know it is going to be a fight, it already is, but it's made harder by my pushoverness and that I'm not home for a while.
Thanks for your ideas! Keep them coming! lol
I'll start writing that list now!
Training – 30 minutes a day
Rugging – During summer
Summer sheet during the day.
Summer cover during the night.
Grooming – 30 minutes + a day
Mane and tail
Hay x 2 daily
+ vitimins and minerals, coat sup, joint sup.
I don't see the problem. It's your horse and you're an adult. You should be informing them of your decision with your horse, not asking permission. You explain that you are moving your horse on x day and that's it. The filly's future is more important than your mom's desire to control her location. It's either your horse or it's not. If you have to persuade them to allow you to move the horse, then there's a mess up somewhere.
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If mum wants to keep her then she needs to buy her from you. So, to stay, fillie's price is $XXX. Or you'll be there to pick up on such and such a day. Period. No list of chores which they won't do or that they'll argue about. It's your horse, you're an adult and it's time you stood up. If you let people walk over you then what will you allow the filly to do? I would stop all discussion until after I got home, at which point I'd just tell them when I'd be there to pick up the horse.
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