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ChelseaAnibelle 11-06-2013 09:11 PM

Marriage and Horses
My marriage has been extremely rocky ever since the mention of getting back into the equine industry came about 8 months or so ago. With the mention of that, I went forth into the equine world again and bought a horse. My husband now thinks that the horse is more important than him, that I “idolize” horses, and that I would run over anyone to get my dream. While he comes from a wealthy family, I come from a less fortunate one, and I work my butt off to be able to have my dream. He’s extremely hurt by us not spending enough time together and blames the horse for everything, but he’s not willing to go to my work (a barn) to eat lunch with me or come and hang out with Ladybird and I. Has anyone else struggled with balancing a horse and a relationship? How did you go about fixing it?

hemms 11-06-2013 09:26 PM

Hmmm... Any man who does not endorse the activities that make "Me" is no man o mine.

Mine doesn't want me to invest in another Boxer, for example (dog). It's all about how the last one's failing health caused me to really stumble. I love him for his concern, but I will still get another when I'm ready. And he will not try to undermine or have a negative impact on it in any way. It is in the parameters of our respect, love and understanding of each other.

I realise that not enough people are fortunate enough to have such a relationship but I feel it is important to point out that I intentionally held out for this kind of partner. I was 5 years single and contentedly prepared to die that way. This lovely boob came along with his noise, hairiness and abruptness. I was so ticked off when I realised he was IT, a few weeks later. My perfect little OCD world was tossed on its end forever. But all the little annoyances are nothing to the who and what I really am. They're simply incidentals worth giving up, highlighting just how worth it HE is.

IMO, if someone is forcing me to choose between them and what breathes air into my lungs, light into my heart, wings onto my feet... Well, there's just no choice at all. Life is too short to live it for ANYONE else.
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SlideStop 11-06-2013 09:33 PM

You eat have to have a healthy respect for eachothers hobbies. Marriage and relationships are about balance and compromise. My girlfriend doesn't like horses, I love horses. While she isn't thrilled with the idea she still comes to my lessons, shows or even to just hang. Likewise I go to her roller derby games, practices and events. I'm not into but I like it because SHE finds enjoyment from it and I like supporting her.

If you don't both compromise eventually someone will break. Either he will leave or you will get rid of the horse. I suggest talking it out before push comes to shove.
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DancingArabian 11-06-2013 09:35 PM

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Does your husband have any hobbies or friends?
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Skyseternalangel 11-06-2013 09:51 PM

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That's extremely sad, because a husband should support your hobbies and your passions, not be petty about them.

My ex boyfriend was that way... was bitter about me talking about or spending time with my horse.

Men, ugh.

Honestly.. you need to communicate to him how this makes you feel, and try and get him to open up to why he's feeling so insecure..

pbeebs 11-07-2013 06:47 AM

Communication. You need to talk this out and figure it out before as slide said push comes to shove. Before you do, try and see it from his angle. Could he be more needy when it comes to time spend together and he feels resentful at the horse because he actually isn't getting that much time with you? The book 5 love languages is really helpful. Maybe you're not giving him the kind of love that speaks to him so he feels neglected and takes it out on your hobby. Likewise he may not be loving you in the way that speaks to you. i think this has gotta be steaming from something else...unless he just really resents your horse? which in that case, would be very selfish in my opinion...anyway, worth looking into. Good luck!

ChelseaAnibelle 11-07-2013 06:59 AM

He is sincerely jealous of my time spent with the horse and time spent at work :/ I work 45-50 odd hour weeks, teaching kids about horses and sharing God at my work. And then I have to feed and train my horse. He works 40 hours a week, 9-5 and has hockey once or twice a week at like 8:00 PM, plus has online class twice a week. We're both kind of busy, but he thinks that his stuff is more important and that I should be at home more. We talked and agreed to just fully seek God in this time (not getting rid of my horse), and allow Him to bring peace between us, and allow us to swallow our pride. I've heard of that book though, the 5 Languages of Love, and I think I should look into it. Thank you!

DuffyDuck 11-07-2013 07:40 AM

Marriage and relationships are about compromise.

Do you spend all your free time with your horse?

You know when you have a really good ride, or something really exciting happens with your horse, and you tell non-horsey friends.. they nod, then get that glazed over look? They just don't get it.

Does your husband have any interest in learning how to ride? Or how about looking for a lease for twice a week, so you can spend time together? Horses are a HUGE commitment, regardless of wealth, and if its not something you can cope with together you can find other arrangements. Lease, sell, not go down do much. But your husband then has to realise, and I know I felt it when I sold mine, that without a horse you will be a miserable person.

But you have to be honest to yourself, and think about the amount of time you spend on the horse, and how much time you spend with your husband.

I don't think there is any blame to be lay down at any door, but you can always change things round to keep every one happy. Most normal people will never understand the obsession a girl has with her horse!

frlsgirl 11-07-2013 09:37 AM

We have the exact same problem.

Your husband probably feels like he has been replaced by a horse. What has worked for us is that I had to make an extra effort to participate in hobbies that are important to him.

So I try to spend as much time doing none-horse stuff with my husband as I do riding. That way he doesn't feel neglected/replaced.

Does your husband have a hobby that you can support him in?

CLaPorte432 11-07-2013 09:45 AM

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He sounds quite selfish and immature to me.

He needs to suck it up and support you in your hobbies.

Im sure he has his own hobbies that you don't bat an eye at. He needs to do the same.
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