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Corazon Lock 11-24-2013 12:16 AM

Feeling Hopeless
I've really been feeling pretty hopeless lately, now more so than ever. This past spring and summer, I was doing really great. After years of suffering from depression and anxiety, I felt like I was finally free from it. I was ready to move out of the house, finish my bachelor's at university in journalism, and move on to a new chapter of my life.

About a week after I moved in with my best friend and her friend at school, things went downhill very quickly. They were fighting, my friend was lashing out at me, and I made some poor social choices. I've always had a tendency to run away from any conflict or just keep my mouth shut. I don't know why that is exactly, but I'm absolutely passive-aggressive or completely anti-confrontational. When there's a social conflict, I freeze up and tend to just avoid whatever is causing the social anxiety. And, of course, I stopped taking my meds for whatever reason.

I went home for what I thought would be just a weekend and ended up moving out. I knew I should go back and that people would expect me to, but I completely lost my marbles and sanity. I contemplated suicide with Windex (don't ask me why), tried to cut myself, and would not talk to anyone.

Long story short there, my friend and I patched it up after I moved out, but the event had taken its toll on me and I was experiencing the worst depression and anxiety I'd ever had since senior year of high school. Because the college was overcrowded, I was not able to find a single apartment, and I have always known that living with people I didn't know would not be a good option for me. So I decided to drive back and forth every day from home, which is an hour and a half one way. I've grown accustomed to it and don't actually mind the drive except for having to pay for gas.

However, the depression and anxiety have not subsided since then, and I'm having a rough go of everything. I started back on my medication, visited the psychiatrist and started on a supplemental drug, and started going back to counseling very recently. But I'm struggling.

I have the worst time waking up in the morning. I get about 8 hours of sleep at night, but when I wake up, I feel like I haven't slept. I'm groggy until maybe noon, if not most of the day. I just always feel tired. I'm constantly sleeping or trying to relax, but I always feel on edge.

I also feel very unmotivated, and it seems like the smallest tasks are too much. If there's too many things to do, I end up not doing some to avoid the anxiety that comes with it, which makes me feel like a failure. I also procrastinate because of the anxiety I get from stuff, and I just feel like a terrible letdown.

I feel like I'm growing away from all my friends. When I quit my job at the grocery store in my hometown so I could move out, I felt like I lost half of my friends because that was the one place that could usually make me smile because the people there are just so odd and quirky that they always had me laughing even when it was a terrible day.
-My one friend that transferred to a different school this year is finally overcoming shyness and branching out. While I'm happy for her, I also feel sad because she has so many new friends and I don't really have anything to offer to her anymore because I am so depressed and not like myself. And to make matters worse, I really screwed up because when I was most depressed, I stopped answering her phone calls and text messages because I didn't want to talk. So I screwed it all up, even though I did apologize and explain what was going on.
-My friend from school, the ex-roommate, ended up moving out of the apartment we shared as well because of the other girl. She ended up with two fantastic roommates, and I'm relieved she found something because I found out after I moved out that she was very depressed and unhappy with life. She's finally feeling better, has a new boyfriend, and is more positive, and I'm so glad I was able to be there to overcome her funk and that she is now doing better. She and her roommates are very close, a good thing for her, but she's always wanting to bring them along when we hang out. I get along well with her two roommates, but in a group of three, I always seem to be the outsider. Because I'm not feeling up to par, I feel like being me is 'forced,' which is probably part of the problem. But it's like I always screw up and I'm always the person this friend gets mad at, but with her roommates, they can have the same mistakes and she's just fine. When we were making pancakes the other day, I made the pancake batter lumpy, like my mom told me how to. They didn't have a griddle and we decided to use a pan on the stovetop. My friend got frustrated because I didn't beat the batter enough and it was lumpy and that I didn't pour the batter quite right. I tried to tell her that the batter was supposed to be lumpy, and she told me, ", it's not." So Bisquik shouldn't be I found out, but my mom's scratch recipe is. Well, her roommate burnt the bacon, and she just laughed. They're always making references to movies and laughing about it, but I don't really watch many movies, so I don't follow. But my jokes aren't funny, especially in the presence of her roommates. I feel like I must have something wrong with me to have this problem.

- I'm failing two of my classes, and it's probably too late to turn it all around. It's so hard for me to concentrate and sit still in class and listen to stuff that isn't exactly appealing. I feel like I can never buckle down and study or do homework because I get anxious about it or can't focus. Besides that, I write for the school paper, and I've had numerous things go wrong with all of that, and it just causes me a bunch of stress, but I need the experience for a resume.

-And in all, I'm too scared to move out right now. I feel like I'm stable as long as I don't have any major stressors, but I don't feel up to dealing with any capably. It's not about my parents, it's about the home itself and having all of my pets here to comfort me.

I just feel like an utter failure because I know I should be doing all of these things, but I can't make myself do them. It's so frustrating. I'm 20 and can't even move out, I'm late with homework and sometimes skip class, I put stuff off, I break down easily, I'm never happy, and I don't even know who I am, just who I was. I look forward to nothing and do not feel anything but indifference toward any part of my life. I know I shouldn't feel this way, and I know I should push myself, but I don't know how. I'm afraid my life might be like this forever. I don't even know where to start building back a foundation. And I feel bad because there's many people worse off than I am, yet I feel joyous about nothing. I feel like my personality is very flawed and that I really have nothing to offer.

I just could use some encouragement and wise words right now. I know from previous experiences that people tend to get harsh towards these types of posts for whatever reason. I just want to say that I've already beaten myself up enough about all of this and feel like I am just a bad person, and I am really bad about taking criticism and tend to feel personally attacked, another thing that I need to get over but haven't. So please, take it easy. I just thought some people on here might have similar experiences or out of the box ideas.

aubie 11-24-2013 01:23 AM

Don't feel like you're a bad person. While I was reading what I saw was in fact a good person. You mentioned more than once being happy for others. I am glad you are back on meds and seeing professional help. Keep that up. As I am sure you know, getting the right meds/ combination of meds is hard sometimes. With depression there has to be some acceptance. Doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help or stay on meds or that things won't improve. But an understanding of its effects on you. There seems to be some kinda event that has you feeling altered in some way. saying things like the person I was before and building back a foundation. What can be worked on in that regard, do so with your therapist.

HeroMyOttb 11-24-2013 01:36 AM


I am so sorry that you are feeling this as I have been through this many times in my life, but you are taking the right steps of getting back on medication and doing counseling. I've thought of suicide a lot in previous years and have actually recently lost my beloved brother to suicide. After this happen I got VERY depress. I used to have horrible depression and anxiety but nothing like this. I gained 60 pounds dealing with my brothers death and lost a lot of friends and lost my boyfriend. I am as well failing classes. I thought about all I wanted to do was to die like my brother did. But I saw the awful DEVASTATION it did to my family and couldn't put that on my family again.

One day I woke up and realized life is going on with out me... and I can be miserable or happy.. either way they both take the same effort. So I have just been doing a lot of positive thinking and started to go out with friends more. I have very positive quotes all around my room and do a lot of things that make me feel better. I do have my days when I still cry. Which there are every reasons too and brush off the little things. I personally am trying to make my brother proud and live the life he wanted to do but couldn't. But i'm still worried about myself and making myself happy. I am on medicine too and go to counseling and it does help, try to change your way of thinking. You are never a failure and please do not complete suicide. I have personally felt and saw the devastation it causes. I wish you luck and hope you can be happy again.

Stay Strong

aubie 11-24-2013 01:45 AM

Hero I am so sorry to hear about your brother.

HeroMyOttb 11-24-2013 01:46 AM

Thank you Aubie for your condolences.

EvilHorseOfDoom 11-24-2013 01:53 AM

I really feel for you. It's a real struggle being on psychiatric medication, I'm on an anti-psychotic and mood stabiliser (quetiapine) and it has me feeling groggy for most of the morning, but it beats the antidepressant I was on, that made me cross-eyed, or the first mood stabiliser I tried, which made me paranoid and have full-blown 24/7 psychosis. But that groggy zombie feeling still isn't any fun at all, and when you don't feel energetic you can start really feeling down, which in itself makes you feel lethargic and so on.

The best advice I can give you, other than continue with the meds as the side effects generally reduce once you've been at full dose for a while, and continue with your therapy, is to ensure you get plenty of fresh air, exercise and nutritious food. It is amazing how much of a difference a healthy lifestyle can make. If you're not so socially anxious that you can't leave your house, go for a walk every day (to the shops, maybe) and concentrate on getting lots of oxygen into you. If it's warm enough, keep your window open at night so your room is well-ventilated.

Eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, low-GI carbohydrates like brown rice, wholegrain bread and oat or barley cereals. Try and get in some fresh red meat once a week and lots of dark leafy greens, to keep up your iron levels. Also aim for plenty of omega-3 fatty acids, found in seafood and nuts. Really aim to eat as fresh as possible, avoid processed foods. The only processed food I'd recommend is dark chocolate - that stuff has been my lifesaver. I don't buy it in huge amounts but get minimum 75% cocoa solids, the really dark bitter stuff. It is a real mood booster, as soon as I feel like I'm crashing I have one or two pieces.

My last tip, as someone who has social anxiety (in addition to BPD and bipolar and possibly generalised anxiety disorder) is to aim to contact at least one friend per week - maybe even one that you haven't seen or spoken to in a while. Send them a message to say hello, give them a call or arrange to catch up for coffee. It's something you have to force yourself to do because the depressed part of you just wants to lie in bed and ignore the world, but you do end up feeling a lot better after you've socialised (on a small scale, I find parties to be too exhausting and hard work). Humans are at the basic level a social animal and we need social interaction to be able to be mentally well. This is hard for those of us who run away from social contact, but it's something we have to work on. I've been shutting down of late after a run of emotional crises but am going to make myself catch up with a friend of mine this week.

It's hard living in a house with people who are very close, you often end up feeling left out - and those of us with social anxiety often don't have the confidence to be able to voice our social needs, and make a move to join in the fun, because we're terrified we'll be put down or rejected or laughed at for presuming they'd want us to be involved. But the truth is that most non-SA people are not sensitive enough to realise you're desperate to be involved but don't know how to join in, and won't ask you, because they're just used to people getting involved on their own. It's great when you end up finding a friend who realises your difficulties and actively tries to include you in stuff - until then you just need to bite the bullet and ask to be involved. What's the worst that could happen? They'd reject you? Then they're not people you'd want to know in the first place! This is something you have to constantly remind yourself of - if you make a genuine, wholehearted effort to make contact and people don't want to know you then they're the ones with the problem and they're not worth knowing!

Best of luck, feel free to PM me if you want to discuss anything in private. Big hugs, it's an awful way to feel but

Corazon Lock 11-24-2013 01:55 AM

<3 You guys are awesome. It's hard talking about this stuff with people face to face sometimes, especially when you're not sure if they'll be accepting about it. So many times I've had my depression and anxiety thrown back in my face, and usually by people that are close to me that I choose to confide it.

I am so glad that you were able to piece everything back together in your life. I can't say I know how hard it is to lose someone so close to you - I only know that it must have been a very stressful and sad experience for you to endure. A manager of mine at work, and a friend, lost her husband to suicide, and while that was years and years ago, I know she still struggles with it. In my "right" mind, if you will, I know suicide is never the answer, and the thing that's always kept me from it is knowing how many people's lives would be affected by it. I've only contemplated it when I've gone completely off the rails - once in 10th grade at my biggest low and then a few months ago when that apartment situation happened. I wish you the best of luck in finding your way back to some sense of normalcy.

Aubie, in regards to feeling altered in some way, I know it has something to do with that apartment situation, but I have never been able to figure out what it was. This last year up until August, I was feeling better than I ever had since I first got depressed and anxious (9th grade). I was confident, always smiling and happy, loved my job, outgoing, had high hopes for the future. The first few days at the apartment were okay, but my mental health deteriorated so rapidly after that that it surprised even me. I was never able to bounce back from that incident. I'm not confident in myself or in my relationships with other people, I want to isolate myself from people because I feel like I can't live up to their expectations, I can't remember the last time I truly smiled, and I no longer know what I want in life, and I'm failing classes, which is what I do when I'm really depressed. It's like someone pulled the plug to my mental health or something.

Corazon Lock 11-24-2013 02:04 AM

Oh, Evil Horse of Doom, didn't get the post because I was posting lol. That's some really helpful advice. I know I need to get out more, and I definitely know the in bed feeling.

As far as my social anxiety goes, no, I'm not too anxious to leave the house. I love talking to people, especially older people, and generally do not feel anxious unless it's someone my own age or someone that I feel like I must make a good impression on. I've always had more friends that are older than I am than friends my own age - for example, at my old job, I was friends will all the managers and daytime people, not the teens. I still keep in touch with the managers and older adults.

Yes, I really need to work on eating better and getting more exercise. Eating was part of my problem in high school because I had this phobia of vomiting - that left me last year, and while I still feel anxious thinking about it or feeling nauseous, it no longer rules my life or causing me to act anorexic. However, I haven't been hungry these last few weeks, and even if I am, I tend to skip meals, usually supper, going to bed hungry but not really caring. I love sugar and have been trying to cut back on that. I've never been keen on exercising, but I do walk quite a bit around campus. I suppose I should try more stuff, though.

Seriously again, thank you guys for just commenting and being encouraging and giving me helpful ideas. I needed outside sources who don't know me personally, if that makes any sense.

EvilHorseOfDoom 11-24-2013 03:30 AM

I hate planned exercise myself, and I really don't think it should be a chore. If you don't like going to the gym, try and just build a daily walk in - say if you have a 3-5km trip to work or college, and it's in any way practical, walk it instead of catching the bus or driving. Or if it's a longer way, park or get off the bus early and walk the rest of the way. Walk to the shops. Whenever you need to go somewhere try walking instead of travelling on wheels. More oxygen in your body improves your mood, as does the release of endorphins from physical exertion. Try and walk briskly.

The other thing to do is get out and see some sights. Have a picnic by yourself or with friends, visit a free exhibition, take yourself to the movies (or better still, go with someone else). Be kind to yourself. That was the best advice I ever received, from an emergency ward doctor a few weeks ago after I broke down completely and ended up spending a few nights in a psychiatric facility. So often we're beating ourselves up about something or another, and not being kind to ourselves. Give yourself a hug, focus on what makes you a good person, and don't get angry at yourself for your illness.

Skyseternalangel 11-24-2013 04:47 AM

730 Attachment(s)

Originally Posted by Corazon Lock (Post 4169650)
I just could use some encouragement and wise words right now. I know from previous experiences that people tend to get harsh towards these types of posts for whatever reason. I just want to say that I've already beaten myself up enough about all of this and feel like I am just a bad person, and I am really bad about taking criticism and tend to feel personally attacked, another thing that I need to get over but haven't. So please, take it easy. I just thought some people on here might have similar experiences or out of the box ideas.

Oh honey, you shouldn't beat yourself up about this!

Let me try and put this really simply and plainly.

You are not the cause of the problems, but you do feel their aftershocks.

You decided to leave the dorm because the environment was not a healthy one. You left for a reason.. you didn't cause the problems but you were suffocating in them. I know what it's like to share a space with someone that doesn't jive well with you for whatever reason. Every minute is grueling and everything sets you off in some way.

You are depressed because life isn't living up to your expectations of how you wanted it to be. That is fairly common.. life can be very challenging.

Try not to compare your life to other's lives. I've had so many people tell me they moved out at 16 or 17 or 18 or whatever... I'm 21 and am just taking the plunge. Had I compared, I would have thought "man I'm so freaking behind schedule, I'm a failure!" but honestly I just wasn't completely ready yet.

You are in a very complex part in life. You're in school, you are still dependent in a few areas because trying to be independent RIGHT NOW would be too much at once!! You have to focus on keeping yourself together and rockin at school. It's so easy to lose focus or to become discouraged or 'lazy' as I like to summarize it as.

Instead of barreling into the negative aspects of this situation, focus on the good parts. The fact that you're dedicated to driving yourself to school, that you came up with a solution that saves your sanity from a toxic roommate situation.. that you have parents that are willing to be there for you, that you're in college! Not everyone gets accepted!

You can do this, it's so hard to turn the focus off of everything seemingly going wrong.. but it can be done.

It's okay to be back on medication.. that isn't a failure. You went through a LOT and honey others would be hiding in the back corner of a very dark closet by now. You are strong, don't let people get to you.

If she chooses to be pissed off about lumpy batter, that's her issue. Don't take it as an insult. Just laugh it off like 'firstworldproblems, man'

You're better than what you're feeling like right now. There's an amazing person hibernating within you. I've seen her in some of your posts

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