The Horse Forum banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I don't feel a bond with my horse

18K views 41 replies 33 participants last post by  trailhorserider 
#1 ·
I feel like my horse hates me. I don't really know why I feel this way but I do. I feel like he doesn't really want to be around me. It's driving me crazy. I just want to be able to have my horse love and care for me as much as I do for him.:oops:
Bonding tips?

I feel unloved and everyone on Instagram is posting liberty pics with perfect bonds. And Im just like... "Eh, my horse would never do that"
 
#2 ·
I don't do liberty or anything, but my mare is a bit standoffish. She's not super cuddly or nosy, but she knows me.
I can touch her face, do whatever I want to her, but she won't put up with it when other people do it.
It took my girl two years to have full trust in me and allow me to do what I wanted.

How long have you had your boy for?

As for tips on bonding, don't worry so much about teaching him to bond. Just spend time with him, brush him, play around, ring work, trails, or whatever you feel like doing.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tzoidbk
#3 ·
What do you currently do with your horse? Do you spend any time with him that isn't on his back? Or even time with him on his back but doing something he wants? Does your horse get anything out of a relationship with you besides food and a roof over his head in trade for his work?
 
#25 ·
I haven't rode him in three weeks because of his lameness. (Long story, but he's fine now. Just giving him a break for his feet) Anyways, we usually just go on trails or jump. We change it around a lot. I want to do liberty but we just switched barns and the lameness kicked in and ugh. But we're gonna start doing liberty like I was saying. Lol
 
#4 ·
Groundwork and activity miles build bonds. You don't mention how long you've had him. It took me a good year to really get to know any of my three horses and just in my third year have I truly started to bond with my current boy. I don't have the time now that I did with my first horse... I finally sold her because she never did like me, even after more than 4000 logged trail miles. Turns out she loved men. Go figure.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#7 ·
Guys, just because a horse isn't all lovey-dovey doesn't mean that there isn't a bond. Some horses just don't have it in them to be that way.

Part of being a horseman is learning how to adjust your own desires and needs to what the horse is willing and able to do/give. If you want a lovey-dovey horse but your horse isn't a lovey-dovey personality, then the more time you spend with him trying to make him that way is going to make him sour and resentful of your presence.

How does your horse behave toward you? Is he respectful and obedient? Willing? Does he do what you want but is sluggish about it? Is he resistant to the point that you have to make him do what you want?
 
#8 ·
Not every horse is going to "love" you the way you love him (they're not dogs after all). I've had my guy for 3 years now and just a few weeks ago he started actively seeking attention from me. Before that he could care less and other than grooming, didn't seem to care when I scratched behind his ears or gave him a hug and sniffed that wonderful horse smell. He's never going to be as cuddly as my husbands horse, but we have our own kind of love affair~
 
#9 ·
Horses don't love like people do. Horses don't love like dogs do. Dogs have been selectively bred for thousands of years to love humans - not so with horses.

Some horses are expressive, some aren't.

If you want a better relationship with your horse you have to try to build one. Even then be still may never be expressive. Also, don't confuse training with a bond. Liberty training is training. Training is what you work with. Training is what you ride. Try spending more non riding time together. Groundwork, take walks, just hang out. Sometimes I just stand in my horse's stall playing on my phone while he eats. When I first got him he didn't care, now every so often he will touch his nose to me and keep eating.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#10 ·
Guys, just because a horse isn't all lovey-dovey doesn't mean that there isn't a bond. Some horses just don't have it in them to be that way.

Part of being a horseman is learning how to adjust your own desires and needs to what the horse is willing and able to do/give. If you want a lovey-dovey horse but your horse isn't a lovey-dovey personality, then the more time you spend with him trying to make him that way is going to make him sour and resentful of your presence.

How does your horse behave toward you? Is he respectful and obedient? Willing? Does he do what you want but is sluggish about it? Is he resistant to the point that you have to make him do what you want?
I want to double like this.

Imagine being a person that is fairly matter-of-fact. great person, but not the lovey, touchy type. They want to spend time with their friends, but would rather be doing an activity. Not big on small talk. Then say they get paired up with a bubbly person that wants to hug and hang off them constantly. always wants to be talking and their favorite thing to do is hang out together, not getting much done.

see how this would not end well? The first person would be annoyed at the touchy-feely person that was wasting time, and babbling away about nothing constantly. The bubbly person would feel unliked, because a)they were not reciprocating the way they chose to express themselves and b) the other person was now seriously annoyed and avoiding them.

this is how most(particularly young, and/or beginner) recreational horse people start out. If you don't have a naturally touchy-feely, in your pocket type horse, trying to force your good, honest horse into that mold will only frustrate you and seriously annoy your horse. Learn to respect what your horse is, and love the type of personality it has, instead of hoping for the magical, lovey-dovey Disney bond.

My mare, and one of my favorite horses that my BO owns, are of the "lets get to work!" type. Don't want pets, love, hugs or praises, they want to be able to get to work and do their job, that's what they love and get satisfaction from. I personally adore this type of horse, and don't expect any thing else from them. My filly Pickles, is the lovey type, who could stand there all day surrounded by little girls brushing, braiding, and covering her in pink sparkles. And you know what? That's OK too.
 
#11 ·
It took me a little over a year to really have a good bond with Cinny. And yet sometimes still I feel like we are both on different wavelengths. I would try to figure out some things he really likes. Are there places that he really LOVES to be scratched? Also doing things that don't necessarily pertain to riding can help. Going for a hand walk, if you still have grass sit and read a book while he grazes. Find ways to "be part of the herd" so to speak. Herd members hang out together, but they don't necessarily nuzzle each other 24/7. But sometimes ACTING like a herd member by just hanging around in the turnout, or even on a stool in his stall with a book can make a difference. Pretty soon he will be coming to you with curiosity as to what YOU are doing :)
 
#13 ·
I can't stand all this "liberty" nonsense on instagram. Especially all the yoga on horse back, laying under your horse, hanging on their necks. It's a 1,000 lbs animal with a brain and feelings who could kill you, not a jungle gym or a stuffed animal...HELLO!

Ignore the nay sayers... It's the internet.

Like the others said, some horses will never be the cuddly, in-your-face, types. If you want to improve your relationship with your horse do things he is going to looks forward to (like hand grazing, grooming or walks if he likes any of those) and ground work to improve your leadership skills. Lunging and other ground work exercises (moving his hip, leading over grass, backing, teaching the horse to "come here", etc) can help establish yourself as his leader.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#14 ·
Hi, I think you are confusing showing affection with training.

A horse that does incredible things is a well trained horse. Yours would probably do it too if you knew how to train him for it.

Cuddly horses are usually cuddly with everyone, from moment one, strangers and all. I have this kind of horse. I think we have a good relationship, but in truth he loves to be petted and cuddled by anyone.

Some horses don't like to be petted and they don't look at you like you are the best thing ever. They won't change, like ever. They can behave well, tolerate you, relax in your presence, but that's the end of it. If you have one of those horses, he doesn't really hate you, he just doesn't like interaction with humans.

Always remember that horses don't think like us, and they don't read our mind. Your horse doesn't know that you would like him to be cuddly, or to do the stuff you see on instagram. You can teach him to do some of the stuff, and accept that he'll never do other things.

If you want a super affectionate horse... buy one. If you want to go bareback, bridle-less, learn to ride bareback, teach the horse to answer to your body and not the reins. You don't need love to do those things, nor can love help if you don't have the balance to ride without saddle, or if the horse doesn't have a clue that you want him to go left/right/kneel/whatever. It's training.
 
#15 ·
I agree. I've had dogs all my life, and when I got Leo as my first horse almost three years ago I thought "how much different can it be?". Way different.
Our perception is influenced by the stories of the little kid who tames a traumatized horse / wild stallion, who consequently becomes the kids best and only friend. More recently also by the liberty and natural horsemanship videos that are everywhere.
Some horses just aren't like that. My gelding isn't particularly affectionate, either, he would prefer other equine company over mine anytime. But we've come a long way in respecting each other since we started working.
I think the most important thing is to keep an open mind, be grateful for the things the horse DOES offer, and constantly improve the working relationship, rather than go after some internet/movie ideal that might never happen.
For cuddling on the couch, I still have my dogs :).
 
#17 ·
But we've come a long way in respecting each other since we started working.
.
This is important.

When I first got Gibbs I didn't actually like him much, but as we have worked together, I have come to respect him, he has learned to respect me, and we are now 'bonding' by that I mean I like him, and he puts up with me.
 
#16 ·
My sisters mare is the exact opposite of lovey. She hates to be petted and any unnecessary touching and seems to get irritated when people baby talk her and try to give her extra attention. In the saddle tho there was never a more attentive mount, she's soft and willing and takes care of her rider.

Some horses just don't like the extra attention, I don't think it has anything to do with a 'bond'
 
#18 ·
My friend is a rancher in Utah. He once owned a horse (the sire of my Trooper) who was a mean horse. Hated people, tried to bite them, etc. He also loved to work the meanest & roughest cattle, and he seemed happy to be ridden 50 miles a day for several days running. But his rider needed to be careful to avoid being hurt.

After some years of use and thousands of miles, my friend realized the stallion hadn't tried to bite him in a long time. In fact, he seemed almost eager to go do work. And as always, the meaner the cattle, the happier the horse was. And no matter how hard you worked him, he would never give up.

BTW, Trooper was sired when the stallion broke down one fence and mated a purebred Arabian show mare thru another fence. :shock:

When old, the stallion had come to accept other riders, and could even be ridden in 4-H events, although he was never 'friendly'.

When the stallion finally died, my friend's kids gave him a picture of my friend riding the stallion, framed by hair from the stallion's tail. And if you ask him, he'll tell you he has already ridden the finest horse he will ever meet...:wink: Bonds come in different styles, sometimes. And some bonds come with time, miles, and a mutual understanding between two different species of animals.
 
#19 ·
LOL, my Dad's horse Pokey is 9 this year. We've had him since he was a yearling and he didn't start to "bond" with my Dad until this summer. He's a really touchy and antisocial horse. Doesn't like to be touched or handled or approached. If he doesn't know you, you have to be a real horseman to even get him caught.

Always before, whoever was catching him would have to run him up into a small pen or trap him in a corner and be very cautious and slow to catch him. He would tolerate human presence....barely. However, once he was caught and saddled and you were mounted and ready to go, he is a great horse. Obedient, responsive, willing, but a bit spooky.

Now, Dad can actually just walk up to him in the paddock and catch him. He's begun to seek out Dad if he's in the barn doing chores. He even surprised me the other day by coming to stand near me while I was filling his water tank (by near, I mean that he was within about 15 feet). He still doesn't like to be petted or brushed, but he tolerates it with minimal squirming. Before, he couldn't stand still while being brushed.

Sometimes it takes time to build a bond...and other times you have to redefine "bond" in your mind. To some horses, bond means spending time together and getting scratches in all his favorite spots. To other horses, bond means having a respectful and productive working relationship with no fuss and muss.
 
#20 ·
Great story Bsms!

Time, consistency, observation, respect, acceptance and trust are all part of developing a relationship with a horse. At least in my experience.

My heart horse T was not an affectionate horse. She did her job and did what was asked, mostly with a good work attitude. Mostly because, being an opinionated mare there were moments when she gave hers. However, after a brief discussion would do as asked. She was calm, sane and loved her food!

It wasn't until many years after riding and then owning her that there was a slight change in her. She showed her trust and dare I say affection for me by putting her head flat on my chest. Normally T never wanted anything or one restraining or holding her head. Then she started to give me horse hugs by putting her head on my shoulder and leaning her head towards mine. This was huge!

Walka however , is a love bug and prefers to be near/with me no matter what I'm doing. Food is not his motivator. Sadly, neither is work! So while he is quite affectionate, I'd prefer more work ethic like his mom's (T) and we are working and making progress in that direction. Work can be fun, and I have to keep everything interesting and yes, challenging for him.

Misty, my new addition is a riot to me. I do not like to pester a horse when they are "on their own time". After a short time though, she seems to be much like Walka in that she wants to be where I am (maybe I'm her security as she is a little tense in nature), but also has a wonderful work ethic! Joy oh Joy!

Of course I do not have any misgivings about my horses "loving" me. I believe they see me as a leader and security. These are very important to their safety to them. It's as it should be I think. If I want an animal that looks at me with adoration in it's eyes, I will get a dog. :wink:
 
  • Like
Reactions: bsms
#21 ·
Since I'm at a computer ATM, it's a little easier to share my training/bond story with my horse.

When I got my horse, he was a spazzing moron. It took over a year, and many, many shared experiences before he really started warming up to me. Don't get me wrong - he definitely liked me. He's food motivated and liked being engaged. He's a funny little Arab. But it wasn't until we established our roles (which he still tests every so often) and experienced things (some fun, some scary, some just weird) that he really started to come around. He'll call for me, he'll come running when he hears my truck (my car confuses him because a few boarders have little grey cars but he does perk up). If I don't see him for a day, he WHINNIES supper loudly and comes running and prances around me doing that Arabian neck thing as if to say ERMAGHERD WHERE WERE YOU?!?!?!?!1!!

But it wasn't always that way. We've gone through our share of difficulties, including a really odd trainer. We click well enough that people comment on it when we go places.

(Though I'm still a bit of a hot mess in the saddle, we're awesome in hand!)
 
#23 ·
Not all horses are going to be cuddle-bugs.

My horse doesn't show much affection. He's pretty stoic, and doesn't have too much of a personality. But he come to me when I go to catch him, and there is a certain calmness about him. Even if he isn't all over me all the time, I still think he "loves" (whatever the entails for a horse xD *ahem* treat-bringer) me.
 
#27 ·
Just my dos centavos, my horse could care less about attention, he is standoffish, doesn't care to be petted or fussed over in any kind of way. Once in the saddle he is very willing and forward and there has never been much I have asked of him he hasn't done, and he is very forgiving to children and inexperienced riders. His personality is use me, then put me up til you need me again. Don't come give a brushing or hugs because they annoy me.
This just bugs the crap outta DW cuz she loves to dote on our animals/ Now her horse is the exact opposite, in her (and only her) back pocket and loves to be groomed and bathed and what have you. Point to this? None, just showing personality difference within our own barn.
 
#30 ·
I bought my gelding in March, and for the first 3 months I was pretty sure we hated each other. As soon as I realized he's just a get-to-work-or-leave-me-alone type, we got along much better. He gets annoyed at being pet or loved on, but does loves having his belly scratched. He will never be the kind to come running to greet me at the gate, but he will try very hard to do what I ask of him, and that's huge to me.
 
#31 ·
This really isn't different than a person... Some people need constant attention: others would much rather hang out in their room on the computer.
I think horses have personalities, which would imply they won't all be the same.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top