All My Pretty Little Horses
So here's my journal. It's sad that I have to start on a sad note, but I never did before, so why not start now? I'm copying and pasting another thread I posted. So if it sounds familiar that's probably why. =)
My filly was colicking (sp?) and it took 3 hours or maybe it was two and a half, I don't know for sure, for the vet to get here. Anyway, she's only two, and she and I had this bond. Like, we just... Clicked. From the moment I first saw her. She'd never been handled before and she came right up to me and let me pet her. And when she was colicking, and her legs would give out from the pain, and I cried and begged her to get back up, she would, just because I asked. If I didn't ask her to, she would lay there. Poor baby. Anyway, her gut was twisted and I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I told the vet to put her down, and my dad wanted to keep trying, but she couldn't breathe anymore and I was just screaming at the vet to hurry and give her the shot before she suffocated and it was effing awful. I'm crying just typing this. And then she fell and she kept putting her head in my lap and just smelling me. GOD. and I was bawling and I kept hugging her until she was gone, but then her body just kept... Like, I don't know, twitching or something. But for some reason it didn't even bother me, because as soon as she was gone I just felt... I don't know, Like so calm. And peaceful. But as soon as I went inside it was gone, and I couldn't sleep at all last night for crying. SHE WAS ONLY TWO! WHY?!?! She was so great..... And then my dad was worried that she might have eaten something that all the other horses might get, so he wanted to do like an autotopsy, and so he and the vet cut her open, I guess. I didn't watch. But I did tell him it was fine, because I don't want to loose any of the others. But still, just imagining that... It makes me shudder. And I cut off some of her mane, but every time I look at it, I just start bawling. She suffered the whole time it took the vet to get there, but she just kept walking with me. ****. why???:cry:
Anyway, I could probably just use some coping tips or something right now. I can't even think about it or I cry. So during the day I have to face the world, so I just ball up all the grief to deal with later, when I'm alone. And I feel like it should feel so wrong, but I am already setting up a time to go look at fillies, because I feel like.... I dunno, like there's this void that I have to fill before it consumes me or something. I think another filly would help that, but is that way wrong to do after just losing Flair? I don't even feel guilty, but it's just so soon. Like maybe I should feel guilty? I don't know. :sad:
Kudos to you if you made it all the way through my novel. *weak attempt at smile*
Anyway, I'll keep updating about how I'm coping and if I get another filly.
Nita -- I haven't actually ridden her a lot this week, I actually just have a hard time even going to the barn, since last night. But I did some showmanship with her today, and she was studly. <3 you babe! haha.
Dazzle -- God she looks so much like flair. I looked at her today and just started bawling. Poor horse, she was totally freaked out lol. It actually made me laugh a little. =) But yeah, I'm working on our freestyle reining pattern, and I think I'm going to do it to let it rock, by kevin rudolf. good song, lol. if anyone has costume ideas for that song, post it here and let me know! ha, I can't seem to think of anything... >.<
Corona -- Still a total spaz haha. I got on him bareback and bridleless today tho and he didn't go freakshow on me. he didn't even run. He just walked and trotted around and stopped when I asked him. It was cool. =)
Wow, I really suck at keeping a journal. HAHA, guess I'd just rather be out riding than in here writing. Anyway, I have lots to add.
Flair -- I think my heart is actually healing. The ache that I had there is... not quite as bad. It feels like it won't ever go away, not completely. It's like..... Losing a part of yourself. I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I find myself at a total loss, going... What am I doing? Why did it have to be her? How can I... Go on? What's wrong with me? And then other times it's like I can look at her pictures and stuff without starting to cry. The worst part is when someone tells me they're so sorry. Or maybe when they say they understand, and they don't. I just want to scream at them. YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW! IT'S OKAY TO TELL ME YOU'RE SORRY, BUT IT IS NOT OKAY TO TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HORSES. Maybe it's worst when they do understand though. Some of them explain how they felt, like they're just going back in time. I can't handle that though. It's like they're tearing at a fresh wound. It's just too soon. Yeah, maybe you lost your horse years ago, but please, don't ask me to relive it, or listen to how you felt. I know how I feel and it's just a little too soon to talk about it. Right now I'm just coping by balling up the grief inside me and then shoving it down. I feel like it would consume me if I let it go. It's like sealing off a sickness that you can't heal. And I want another baby so bad it hurts. But then I worry that I'll overlook faults just because it looks like Flair, walks like Flair. It's getting better though. Sometimes.... Sometimes, I'm almost, just almost..... Okay.
Nita -- Ugh, haven't ridden her since fair. Fair was okay, she was pretty good in Showmanship, we won reserve champ, but we could have had grand. She was a little bratty, but then, she's just like that. English was WAAAY better than I expected. She got her leads and I actually remembered the pattern haha. Driving was awesome. Packing was....... Meh. The judge was okay, I thought she was really harsh though. Like, it's fine for the older kids you know? But honestly, she gave the first year little kids whites? It's like... Just give 'em a **** blue. A lot of them were crying because of what she said. Ugh, that made me mad. :evil:
Dazzle -- Entering her in the stock horse show. I won grand on her in my green horse class. She's a stud. LOL. :D
Classy -- Smart little girl. She's so gorgeous, especially under saddle. yesterday she was alone in the round pen, and my sis and I were hiding under the truck, because she won't play with the ball if she thinks you're watching her. So then we threw the ball in her pen, and she ran from it, but then she went over and started playing with it, and she threw it in the air and it hit her butt because the wind caught it, and she spun around and glared at it. OMG, it was SO funny. Then she kept rolling it around and around until she would get it in the PERFECT spot, RIGHT where she wanted it. Then the wind would blow and it roll away, and she would stomp her foot and then go get it and roll it around until she got it back to where it was... But then the wind would blow and the same thing would happen hahaha. :lol: And then, after she got bored of the ball, she thought she was so lonely, so she started whinnying, and I nickered back, and she froze, and then totally started answering. So my sis and I whinnyed back to her for like 10 mins, until she put her head down and saw us under the truck.
Will add more later!
Again, I epically suck at keeping a journal. What has it been... almost a year. haha. I just get busy and other things take priority... the internet gets the backseat lol.
So, a TON has happened. I doubt anyone actually reads this. But it's as much for me as anything, so that's okay. =)
How did we go from having 6 horses to having FOURTEEN?! Somehow they just keep accumulating ha. I'm not going to post about them ALL everyday, but I'll give you a rundown on them.
Cinna -- My new (ish) red roan baby. She's a year and two months now. What a cutie. She's a half-sister to Flair. In some ways, they aren't alike at all. But at other times she does stuff and I just want to cry, because it was so much like Flair. I still compare them, even though I know Cinna is her own horse. She's a little firecracker. I wondered if I would ever get that bond back that I had with Flair. I thought it might have just been that I'd trained her from birth (almost). But no. Cinna is awesome, but I'm definitely sad to find that I can't have that bond anymore. I dunno, maybe it will come with time. But I kind of doubt it. They say that every cowboy/girl has is allotted one great horse in their lifetime. As a rural/ranch kid, I've always heard that. And everyone knows exactly which horse theirs was. Sadly, I feel like Flair was mine. And I only had her for Two years. =( But maybe someday I'll find that bond again. I can only hope. Anyway, back to Cinna. I took her to the fairgrounds the other day. Poor baby, it was such a long trailer ride there and back. She was exhausted. But everyone was in awe at how good she was. So that's good.
Classy -- Got her back from the trainer and she rides like a dream. I wish that i'd had the time to train her myself, but she deserved better. I just wanted the satisfaction of saying i had been the one to train her, because she's just eye catching, and everyone asks about her. But she was only there for two months, so I guess I can say I finished her? Haha. Anyway, I feel bad because I haven't had the time to devote to her lately that she deserves, but next week will be all about her. Promise baby. lol. She's such a sweetheart.
Corona-- I haven't even ridden him since last fall. Dad rides him though. He has been pretty much a spoiled pasture puff for the winter. Spoiled boy. We wormed him and gave him shots today though, and he was good. I have got to trim his hooves up so I can get back to riding him....
Dazzle -- Glad she's not mine! ha, she's been a pasture puff too, lately, and my mom has got to start riding her. she's still pretty as ever, but green grass in her belly does not combine well with little riding. she'll be fine though. she has a good mind.
Bailey -- Now that horse IS a handful. she's testing the limits now. she keeps bucking with my sister... As soon as I get on, she knows she better not. I can't help her I guess, bailey's just got to learn that my sis is just as much her leader as I am.
Nita-- Bratty as ever. and FAT! oh wow. That mare does NOT lose weight once she puts it on. I'm at a loss here. I have to feed her, obviously, but she can stay fat on one flake of hay a day. No joke. so I guess if anyone has any tips? haha
Knox-- he's aging, but he's doing it gracefully. still the prince he always was, just 24 now. =)
Ernie-- Oh my. now this was my kid horse. he taught me to ride. and a few weeks ago, he was fighting through the fence... No idea why, only knox was on the other side. and he got caught in the wire and stood there for 3 days! We were on a trip, and the house sitter apparently did not check on the horses. Grr. Poor boy. any other horse would have died. but not ernie. he's too tough. =) it's healing up nicely, but he has a gash right on the top of his leg where it meets the shoulder that is probably six inches long and two inches wide. it's nasty, but luckily we haven't had any flies. so he'll be fine.
Annie -- she's now two, and my sis is supposed to be breaking her. i dunno how well that's going to go, I have a feeling it will end up being me that does the work. but that's fine, as long as i get paid for it!
Lucy-- she's also two, and has quite the attachment to annie. ugh. she's mine to break, and she's coming along nicely. I haven't touched her for two months until yesterday, but she didn't forget anything, thank god. lol. it's like i never left off. which is a good thing. I figure I'll try her first ride in a week or two.
Dixie-- Waaaay too fat for her own good, but is just too much of an easy keeper. Does anyone have tips for that? She seriously doesn't lose weight. it's strange.
Flicka-- Is also fat, however not too bad. she's just a little overweight. But she has ringworm. Probably because it's been so rainy and nasty. No sun to kill it. she'll be fine now though, it's already going away.
PJ-- last year we roached his mane... now it's flopping over and it looks funny. haha. gotta love it.
and last but not least... Belle-- she's my sister's, and she's had a few rides put on here, but she's been out all winter, and is going to be a handful now. I can garuntee(sp?) i won't be asked to help with her, but I'm going to have to. My sis gets so mad, but i am a lot older than her and way more experienced. If she gets hurt she will be wishing it was me. haha
WOW! what a huge post haha. if you actually read that, kudos to you. =) so that's what's up here in Montana. The weather has been cooperating lately, which is nice. And I built a round pen out of panels today, so that will be great to have!
Ta-ta for now!
So I've been just riding... and riding and riding! It seems like there's never enough time in the day to get everything done. I work and work but at the end of the day, there's still things I didn't get done... Still things that I think about when I fall into bed, exhausted. My parents are NOT helping the situation right now. As if I didn't have enough, they're asking me to work more. For money, of course, but still. When do I sleep? Even now, I'm falling asleep at my keyboard.
And between that and keeping up with the teen scene, the friends, the fun and the crazy, I'm losing my mind. I love it though. I absolutely LOVE being so **** tired that you fall asleep before you can remember the light is on. xD I don't know why, but I thrive on that.
Lucy -- First saddling today! After watching her, I think I'm going to set her first ride time back a few days to a week. She's such a spaz.... Too nervous for now. She needs more work before I ride her.
Classy -- Progressing well... I really really need to get her spinning to her right better, she has some kind of tight spot about that. And I apparently need to practice her stops more, she kind of forgot tonight. But the reining clinic I'm going to on Monday should help, even with just the chance to ride in an arena.
Nita -- HA! Haven't even ridden her. She's 10 though, and I think she's finally getting to the point where I don't HAVE to ride her everyday. *grumbles* about time.
Cinna -- Really irritated me today. She thinks she is above having rules and such. So I gave her a much needed attitude adjustment. I could tell she was still mulling it over when I took Classy out for a ride. Cinna is just a baby, but she still needs to learn the right way to be a horse, so she learned about the round pen today. I think she's just tired of being penned up. Needs the fresh run off! She'll get a run Sunday, maybe.
All in all, a usual busy day. Cleaned the barn, reorganized the tack and grain rooms. Set up some pens, cleaned out some rocks, restocked up on little hay bales, fixed a few gates and worked on some stalls. Actually, I figure it was a fairly easy day. Sometimes I get so darn busy I forget to eat. And then I'll be like... Oh! I'm hungry, but I'll be right in the middle of something and forget again. So like today, I went from 11 to 10 without eating anything, then I was starving! The other day was worse though, I went from 9 in the morning to 11 at night. That was pure and utter hell by the end. LOL, talk about needing time for myself! BEDTIME! Yes, sleep! Too soon, morning will come and I'll be running around like a crazed squirrel. Ah, the joys of owning too many horses.
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