Horse Story(Hoping to get it published when done) Feedback?
Ok guys, I know it's super long, but if you have the time PLEASE read it! I absolutly love writing, but no one in my family is good at spelling and grammer and all that good stuff, lol. Please give me some feedback, and let me know stuff like if it gets you hooked, how the plot line is, etc... etc...
Cloie Brandon, sounds like a sweet name for a sweet girl, well nothing could be further from the truth. Cloie is fourteen, her Birthday is February tenth, she has dirty blond hair with gorgeous brown eyes to match. She has a flawless complexion, is five foot one, and has a beauty that makes every girl around her self-conscious. In fact, her beauty was so stunning. That she could probably have any guy she wanted eating out of the palm of her hand with just a look in their direction. The only problem for Cloie, is that love, friendship, hand, loyalty, trust, and commitment were not in her vocabulary.
Cloie tells off anyone who bumps her, talks to her, or so much as even looks at her. There’s your proof to the saying ‘ Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ Though Cloie wasn’t always like this. She used to know everybody, she used to be the person who could make friends with anyone she wanted in a heartbeat. But things changed when she moved, she became a different girl entirely.
Her Parents didn’t know what was wrong with her either. They hadn’t seen her smile sense they had moved, and didn't understand why. Cloie had always been a bright girl, smiling and laughing at every chance she got. But as the year progressed she just got darker, gloomier, and quieter. And by her fifteenth Birthday all her parents got from her was “Hi” and “Bye”.
Only if her parents had known her secrete obsession. An obsession that had always kept her going. That had made her the person she had been until her parents had made her move to wherever it was that she now lived. She hadn’t bothered to ask where through her tears, tears that her parents didn’t question. If her parents had, then they would have realised that they had made the worst decision of their daughters life, by moving to a place that hated and banned Cloie’s obsession. Horses.
“I’m leaving!” Cloie yelled, her words echoing throughout the house. She didn’t wait for an answer, and her parents didn’t give her one. Once Cloie left, the atmosphere calmed. Mr. and Mrs. Brandon began to talk and get on with their daily routine. They had long ago given up on talking to Cloie, so they just gave her a free leash. The only day that they got more than four words out of her, and were actually in charge of her was on Sunday when they went to church. ( It had been like this sense they had moved. Cloie would get up, dress, say “I’m leaving!” Then walk out the door. When she came home she did the exact same thing except for the other way around.)
The next day started out the same as usual. When she got to school everyone ignored her, even the teachers. So, like always the day lingered on, the clock seeming to go backwards. When school finally end she didn’t go home. She never did.
Cloie walked to the very edge of town, which held a secrete place that only she knew about. It was an old barn, with a green pasture in the back and a small paddock in the front. The paddock was infested with weeds and old and broken boards that lay around along with some rusted nails. She had discovered it during her first week living in this forsaken place, while looking for a place that she could hide away at. She headed toward a stall that she had fixed up. ( It ws the only one that could be fixed up by a single person.) She had laid out layers of comfortable blankets and pillows on the outside of the stall, and some hay that she had put in the old hay net. Along with some wood shavings that she had found behind a carpenter’s building on the inside. She wanted to make sure it still had that horse touch.
She was so suprised at the sight in front of her, that she had to grab hold of the side of the stall (for it had no door) so she wouldn't fall. There was a mare about to give birth to her foal laying down in the stall. Once Cloie had recovered from her shock, she noticed that the mare was having difficulty with the birth. She knew better than to enter the stall and go help, Especially because the mare didn’t know her. But she also knew that if the mare didn’t get some help, and soon. Then she’d probably loose the foal, and possibly her own life as well. So without a second thought she went into the stall and approached the mare, muttering low, calm reassuring words trying to let the mare know that she as there to help.
The mare craned her head around and nipped her stomach trying to figure out why this excruciating pain wouldn’t go away. Then she turned and looked at Cloie helplessly, who had now made it to the mare’s head. Cloie, startled to the mare’s sudden acceptance to her stumbled back a few steps. Once again the mare looked at Cloie as if to say ‘ Aren't you gonna help me?’ So Cloie cautiously walked to the mare’s backside. The tips of the foals front hoofs and muzzle were sticking out, but just barley before they disappeared again. The mare didn’t have the strength to have the baby by herself. Cloie, once again knelt down behind the mare, and when the foal showed again she grabbed hold of it’s hoofs. When the next contraction came she pulled while the mare pushed, and the head pooped out. Then with just one more suffering contraction from the mare and a little more of Cloie’s help a filly was born.
Cloie checked to make sure that the filly was breathing, then moved out of the way so that the two magnificent animals could bond. The mare struggled to stand up, but was unable to, for she was to exhausted. So Cloie picked up the baby horse and brought her to her mother’s head. Immediately the mare started licking her foal dry. Then after a few minutes rest the mare got to her feet and started encouraging her filly to do the same. After a few shaky tries, she wobbled to her mother’s side and drank her fill of milk. When she was done she lay down to go to sleep.
3Exhausted from standing so much the mare, (who Cloie had now decided to call By God’s Grace, or Grace for short. Because she knew that it was God who had sent her Grace and her filly, and that is why Grace had warmed to her so quickly.) collapsed onto the stall floor. Cloie went and sat by Grace’s head to congratulate her.
“Wow girl, your filly is so beautiful.” She whispered into Grace’s ear. She nickered happily, then lay her head down on Cloie’s lap and fell asleep. Cloie just sat there and waited contentedly while the horses slept. No more than thirty minutes later the filly woke again and struggled to her mother’s side. Cloie woke Grace and made her stand so that the filly could eat. The short rest seamed to have done, Grace a ton of good. When the filly was done and about to lay back down, she noticed Cloie. The filly wrestled with her legs so that they carried her over to Cloie. The filly looked at her then lay down fast asleep in her lap. The mare also laid down and rested her head next to her filly’s on Cloie’s lap. Grace went to sleep knowing that Cloie would wake her when her foal needed her.
Cloie didn’t mind being a pillow, it gave her a better chance to see the filly closer up. Just like her mother, she was spectacular. They were both a dark chestnut, but the filly had four white socks, and a small white blaze on her face. Cloie could tell right away that they were arabians, their small heads, and their small ears with their large eye’s and nostrils gave it away.
She just sat there watching God’s most beautiful creations, arabian horses. Quickly Cloie reached over to her backpack silently thanking photo class, and grabbed her Polaroid camera. She took a picture of Grace and the filly as best as she could with them still in her lap. She blew the picture dry, then flipped it over and wrote Grace and... Cloie realised that she hadn’t named the filly yet. She tried to brainstorm up some good names, and finally came up with God’s Hope. Because now that she looked back to it she had been hoping with her life that the foal would make it. So she wrote Hope on the back of the picture next to Grace’s name.
As Cloie did this Grace woke up again and took a quick peek at her baby, then nuzzled Cloie’s hair as thanks for everything. She knew that Cloie would die before she let anything happen to Hope, so slowly, she dropped her eyelids and went to sleep knowing that she and her baby were safe.
Cloie grabbed a tack from her purse, that has everything in it, and tacked the picture up in the back of the stall. Then she grabbed one of the pillows and blankets from the outside, and snuggled up against the two horses. She was going to sleep in her barn tonight, her parents wouldn't care, as long as she showed up for church she could be gone for a whole week. See, Cloie’s parents weren't very good parents, they were super nice and all, but when they had Cloie they just weren't ready. And sense when she was growing up she pretty much took care of her self and was happy go lucky, they didn’t know what to do now, they never really had to be parents.
During the night Cloie continued to wake Grace until she fell asleep herself. When Cloie woke, she gave a genuine smile. She had thought that it was just a dream. She stroked Hope’s soft baby coat, then turned her attention to Grace and patted her lovingly.
Grace nickered and thrust her head into Cloie’s arms. Cloie rested her cheek against Grace’s forehead, and laughed when she saw Hope angrily stalking over to her because she wasn’t getting any attention. Cloie sat there for a while then grabbed her phone to see how much longer she had till school. She let out a suprised yelp that startled both horses. Then she ran over to the corner of the stall where she had a supply of cloths that she had left here when she was fixing up the stall and barn as best as she could. They weren't the usual designer cloths she wore at school to trick everybody, but they sure were more comfortable, and she would have picked them over everything. The only reason she didn’t usually wear them was because she didn’t want to ruin the mean snotty image that she had created for herself. And if she started wearing casual cloths like the ones she was wearing now then people would start bothering her again.
She only had ten minutes until school started, she knew she wasn’t going to make it, but she sure would try. Because if she missed the whole first period then she would get a phone call home and that wouldn’t be good news. The two things her parents cared about were school, and church, and Cloie wasn’t allowed to miss either. And if she did she would be forced to stay home and not go to her secrete place. So she tore out of the barn sprinting as fast as her legs would carry her.
Once Cloie got to school she almost wished that she had skipped. She smelled of horse and sweat from the desperate run to school. She also had a few stray pieces of hay in her hair, Cloie wasn’t worried about people recognising the smell of horse. But there was one scent that everyone knew... B.O. and it wasn’t the most friendly smell in world either. But almost was the key word. If she had skipped that would mean no more barn ( which her parent’s thought was just a secrete place,) which would mean no more Hope or Grace.
Reluctantly she entered her homeroom class thirty-five minutes late, combing her fingers through her hair, throwing it up in a quick pony tail. Everyone turned to look at her. She had never once been late, nor had they ever seen her in this casual, not to mention smelly state before. Cloie made a mental note to store some deodorant at the barn, then put her head down embarrassed and walked to her seat.
A new student was about to walk through the door, but stopped and looked gloomily through the door window, so he could see who was in his class first. His eye’s stopped on a girl in the furthermost desk in the back of the right side of the room who had just sat down. She was gorgeous he thought, in her ragged blue jeans, T-shirt, and tousled hair. The few strands of hay was a nice touch he thought. He slowly walked into the room taking a quick peek at the girl, thinking that she might be the only highlight in his move here.
“Ah! Class, this is Edward Maxwell. He just moved here from Kentucky,” Cloie shot a glance in his direction wondering if he liked horses. “or the tornado country as some people like to call it.” announced Mr. Scott.
Cloie couldn’t help herself. “It ain’t no stupid tornado country, it’s much better than that, it’s horse country.” She murmured just loud enough for everyone to hear. Edward knew right then that he was going to like this girl for much more than her looks.
“Cloie you know the rules... go to the principals office, now.” Stuttered Mr. Scott, suprised at Cloie’s sudden speech. Edward looked on sadly, already he had read the rules, so he knew what was to come of Cloie. It was forbidden to talk of horses.
“No” she said flatly shocking everyone but Edward with another word. He still didn’t know about her reputation. Edward looked back to the teacher, and surprisingly enough he just nodded and looked rather intimidated.
Edward started toward the empty seat next to Cloie, but she threw her stuff in the seat and glared at him. He backed away confused and sat down a few seats up. The boy next to him leaned over and said “Don’t even bother, Cloie’s the witch of the school.”
Edward looked at the boy aghast. “How could she be a witch? Are you sure she’s not just having a bad day?” The boy just laughed.
“Whatever, it’s your life. By the way, the name’s David... ‘Good Luck’ “ He said sarcastically then sniggered again.
Cloie, the eavesdropper that she is, had over heard this all and was desperately trying to fight back a grin. But was unsuccessful, so she put her head down so that no one would see it. The two boy’s didn’t know how wrong they were, this was the best day of her life. The night before hadn’t been a dream. And if she admitted it, which she wouldn’t, the new kid actually was kinda cute in her way, the country way. But she didn’t wanna get attached to anyone in this detested place, because she didn’t want to have any reason to stay. You could take a horse with you, but not a boy. So she pushed him out of her mind.
When the bell rang she rushed out of the classroom anxious for the day to be over, but just as she went through the door something fell off her shirt. Edward who of course was watching, went to pick it up. It was the picture of Grace and Hope. It had gotten cought on Cloie’s shirt as she rushed out of the barn to make it to school. His eyes widened, he hoped with everything that he had that this pictre wasn’t a lie.
Throughout the day Cloie knew Edward was watching her, so she made sure that he knew her reputation. You could tell that Edward was shocked, he had seen how everyone ignored and avoided her. And Cloie did good herself about not smiling anymore, and not talking was easy. The doubt on his face about his little interpretation earlier was clear. He was beginning to believe what David had said.
For once, the day went by quick. Cloie couldn’t wait for school to be over so she could go see her horses again. When the last bell rang she rushed out of school towards the edge of town.
Edward, struggling to catch up and talk with her was lagging behind, and Cloie put on another burst of speed and disappeared. She would do anything to keep her horses safe. When she got to the barn, she came to a nicker greeting. She went and sat down next to Grace and pet her for a while, then decided to try and clean her fur. She tried as best as she could to curry it with her fingers, then brush the filth off with her hand. But it didn’t work to well, so she tried to think of some things she could get from her house to improvise with when she went home on Sunday. Then she turned all of he loving attention to Hope.
Hope was just perfect, she was still clean, and she was healthy. What more in a horse could you want? But Cloie knew that somehow she was going to have to get feed for Grace, and eventually for Hope to. She decided to think about it later, for now Grace could eat the hay in the net, and Hope could drink her mother’s milk. But Cloie decided that when she ran by her house to get a few things, she would also get a cooler full of apples and carrots.
The next day went the same as before, except Cloie woke up extra early so that she could go get some stuff from her house. The barn looked much homier now, She had brought an extra cooler full of food for herself, and some hanger’s and more cloths. Then amazingly enough the water in the wash rack was still working, so she brought some shampoo and conditioner along with some towels. It looked like she lived there, which technically she did. The only day’s she had to see her parent’s and sleep at the house was on Sunday’s.
After school, she felt Edward following her again, he had been trying to talk to her all day. But unlike anyone else, she didn’t tell him off. She just ignored him, which to him was worse. So like before she escaped him, but not before he figured out the general direction that she was going.
Edward went and explored the direction she had been going everyday for the rest of the week. Until Saturday, when he found the barn. Of course he didn’t know that it was Cloie’s barn, but he had still found it. And lucky for him, Cloie wasn’t there she was at her house refilling the coolers. He stepped inside the barn and you could here the air swooshing out of his mouth as he gasped and took everything in.
Immediately he knew that this was were Cloie had been going. Because cloths he had seen her wearing throughout the week were either strewn across the floor, or hanging up on hangers. The first thing that came to his mind was oh my gosh, she’s homeless. And a wave of pity washed over him. But then as he looked to the back of the barn he saw Grace staring at him. He let out a cry of delight, and had to keep himself from running over and spooking her. Grace suddenly let out a nicker, and Edward wondered why the mare had taking such a sudden liking to him, it was so unusual. Then he crumpled inside himself as he heard a voice filled with so much horror, so much anger, so much suprise, sadness and hate that his skin crawled.
“YOU!?!” It was Cloie.
wow..thats really good :shock:
THANKS!!! I think I go a little fast though, what do you think?
By the way, sorry for all the spelling and grammer, I'm a freshman in highschool and I still havent got it down. lol
i thinks it was really good....are you going to get the ture owners of the horses involved with the story?.....can't wait to read the rest
It's really good! Tell us more!
Thanks you guys!!! I'm working on the second ch. now, I'll post it ASAP.=)
Yup! I am, but it dosnt come till later.
Hey weres the rest? thats really good lol i wanna read more please :):)
omg! that was SOOOO good u need to post more and more and more! i couldnt stop reading it!
thats really good...*waits for more'
all i would say is yeah, you're rushing it a bit. before you write each part, close your eyes and visualise the scenario you are talking about. for example, when you described the barn you could talk about the trees, the sounds, the smells. create more of an image for the reader. the same with the part where you first saw the mare. describe her, her colour, her 'helpless eyes' etc etc tell us more about edward...the colour of his hair, his eyes, his smile and so on. just make sure with your story that you are creating the image for the reader that you see in your head :)
having said all that, i really cant wait to hear more
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