Until We Meet Again, Bink
My whole world caved in today. I got the call I hoped would never come at 7:30 this morning. My dear baby boy (he was actually probably in his early to mid thirties... I don't know for sure) died after a short illness. What started as a moderate laminitic flare ended in Bink's unexplained death. He was found in his stall this morning, laying on his right side, legs straight out. He had obviously died during the night as he was in full rigor and cool to my touch on this hot, humid Tampa, Florida morning. Had I known that last night when I told him "see you tomorrow, boy," that I would never see him again, I would have slept in his stall with him.
It wasn't the laminitis that killed him... he was wearing prescription shoes and was taking meds that were supposed to have helped. In the 3 weeks since I noticed something wasn't right, I had 2 different vets on site with him, giving him meds, IVs, bute, banamine, nitro, dmso, you name it -- spared no expense for the greatest horse in the world. He was worth every penny and more. I always said that if I had to sell everything I owned and beg in the streets that horse would never be taken from me. During his exam yesterday morning, the vet commented that he was walking well -- still a bit sore -- but so well that he should be acting far better than he looked like he felt. He had that sad, painful look for 2 weeks and I tried EVERYTHING to fix it, to get my spunky, happy baby back and trail ready.
I had planned to send him to Gainesville this morning for a full toxicology screen if he wasn't looking better this morning, but it wasn't meant to be. We thought perhaps it might be colic, even though he wasn't exhibiting many of the classic symptoms, he wasn't pooping much. Gave him mineral oil and his bowels moved that evening with no evidence of impaction. Although it was little consolation, his blood tests all came back normal. He was a little dehydrated and we were also going to give him additional fluid IVs this morning. He had fluids last night, too. As a matter of fact, the last message I received on his condition was that he had pooped and was standing and drinking water. That news made me confident enough in today to go to sleep. I wish I could take it all back to last night and stayed with him so he didn't have to die alone:cry:.
This morning I buried my riding partner, my love, my whole world. My only consolation was that he didn't linger and suffer horribly. But I've been left to suffer the guilt of not knowing what I could have done differently to save him. I don't know if I'll ever have another horse again. Bink filled my whole heart and now that he's dead, he took that space and love with him.
Find my Dad, Bink-Bink, he will love you and keep you safe until I can find you (and I will find you). He's an accomplished horseman and I promise he will love you as I have forever. I'll find you, baby boy. I'll never let you go in my heart.
What a beautiful boy. My condolences are with you. Know that you did everything you could and that it was just his time.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I am very sorry. It sounds like you gave him the best life possible, and I bet he was very grateful. He was beautiful.
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Thank you. He was like a big dog, always wanting to bury his head in my shirt and try to sit on my lap! I know for me, there will never be another one like him. :(
My deepest condolences, dep.
I lost my best and brightest 3 years ago, and your post breaks my heart. Those of us who have lost our special heart horses understand completely.
Bink had a good, long life with someone who loved him dearly. Those are true blessings, and some horses don't ever have them.
It sounds as if Bink went in his sleep, which is much better than being in pain and suffering.
Please don't beat yourself up over the 'what ifs'. Bink gave you his last gift by going quietly. He decided on his own that it was time to go, and didn't make you have to choose.
Here's a poem someone sent me when I lost my boy. It's beautiful, and still makes me cry. Especially the last stanza.
Crossing the Bridge
I stood beside your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying; you found it hard to sleep.
I whinnied to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you. I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I put my head against you, nickered and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew.
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll gallop across to greet you, and we'll stand there side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there's so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
I'm so sorry. ='[ He was a stunning horse, and he was so lucky to have you as his owner. I can't say it any better than SR, his gift to you was going peacefully, he didn't make you make that decision for him. Rest easy knowing that he is now free from pain, and when your time comes, he'll be there.
Thanks, Speed Racer. I really needed to see that this morning. I have other friends who have lost special horses and I am going to forward that poem to them. Again, thank you. Be blessed!
You're very welcome.
As far as not wanting another horse, you may find that you're not complete without one.
When I had to put Conny down I stumbled around for awhile, trying to figure out who I was without him. I'd identified with being his rider, owner and companion for so long, that I didn't know who I was when he was no longer there to anchor my world.
I had two other horses who needed me, but I'll be honest; I was ANGRY that it wasn't one of them I'd lost instead of him. Why my heart horse? Why not one of the others?
It took me a long time to admit that to myself, much less anyone else. Not my finest or most noble time. :oops:
The pain does get better, I promise. Not soon, and there's no timetable I can give you, but it will. One of these days you'll be able to laugh at all the lovely memories you have, instead of crying over them.
I have three horses again, and although none of them will ever take Conny's place in my heart, they all have a place that's their own. The human heart is an amazing organ. When we think we don't have room to love again after being hurt so badly, it will find space to let others in.
JJ especially has been instrumental in helping me heal, because although he's nothing like Conny in looks, temperament or even breed, he has a certain spark that reminds me of my boy.
Never say never. There are plenty, in fact far too many, horses out there looking for their own human. None of them will be Bink, but that's okay. The places he had in your heart and soul were his, and nobody will ever fill them. But if you let yourself, when you're ready, you'll find that you really do have a place for another.
It's rough, but pain is the price we pay for having these magnificent creatures in our life.
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. There's no way I would have missed that 21 year dance for anything, and I've gladly paid the price.
You don't feel that way now, but you will. God bless.
Bink was a beautiful boy, and lived to a ripe old age. This certainly has left a whole but in time, I hope there is space in your heart to give another horse a home and they too, will live a long, happy life with you.
RIP Bink and I send my love to you
:cry:What a handsome boy! I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is with you. I know what a difficult time you are having. It is obvious he meant the world to you and believe me, he knew that! He was so lucky to have someone like you to love him! One day the sadness will turn to sweet memories that you will carry in your heart forever. Sending you warm hugs and wishing you a rainbow....RIP Bink!
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