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trIplEcrOwngIrl 02-16-2011 01:09 AM

Please Critique My Story :)
 
We are studying short stories this semester in lit and we each have to write our own short story. I am writing mine about 5 kids who get shipwrecked on an island off the coast of NZ but I don't know know much about the country or culter, ect. So, I need you guys' help. Can you critique my story and make sure it is correct? We are allowed to have people help edit so it isn't cheating. Thanks!

Here is the disciption and first part:
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The Island
Setting
A small island a few miles off the west coast of New Zealand. Highly wooded and full of wildlife. The kids live in Bexley, Canterbury, New Zealand. The beach is in New Brighton.
Characters
1. Mandy Scott-17 year old girl with deep auburn hair. Loves to have fun and surf. Junior at Bexley High School.
2. John Houghton-18, owner of the boat. Senior at St. Peter Catholic School.
3. Ashley James-John’s 17 year old cousin. Goes to school with Mandy at Bexley high.
4. Todd Jebson-18, senior at Bexley High. Reasonable one in the group, dark hair and glasses. Works at the local aviary rescue.
5. Liam Southerland- 18, Senior at St. Peter’s. Loves surfing, wakeboarding, sailing, or anything else in the water.

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How could anything so angry, become once again so calm?” Mandy wondered as she peered out the window of the great yacht at the sea, gently rocking them back home, the breeze whispering a soft lullaby. Mandy Scott, a 17 year old girl had traveled to the island off the coast of New Zealand by mistake where she and her friends got caught up in a nasty storm almost 5 weeks ago. Now, they were on their way back home after the Zoologists discovered them. Mandy shivered and clung to the blanket around her shoulders as she thought back to that day. Everything had seemed so normal; they were all caught up in the party for John that was supposed to take place the very next day. Nobody could have known what would take place that night.
“Hey Ash, did you get Johns text?” Mandy asked her best friend Ashley. “Yeah. I wonder what his ‘totally sick birthday gift’ is.” “Knowing John, it’s probably a new video game!” Mandy replied. “Probably!” Ashley said laughing. “He wants us to meet him at the beach, right?” “Right, by the boat docks.” Ashley answered her friend. Mandy turned before getting into her SUV. “Well, I need to go home and change first.” “Yeah I do too, meet you there.” Ashley replied sliding onto her scooter. “Okay.”
“Hey Liam, happy birthday John!” Mandy exclaimed as she got out of her car at their favorite New Brighton Beach. “Hey Mandy.” John and Liam welcomed her in unison. Mandy turned to see Ashley pull up. “Hey guys! Happy birthday cous’,” She said as she pulled off her helmet and hung it on her scooter’s handle. “So, what’s this big birthday present you got?” “You will never guess!” Liam answered as they both stepped aside so the girls could see the red and white sail boat. “No way!” and “That’s awesome!” both came from the girls’ mouths. “You got a boat? That is totally sick!” Mandy said awestruck. John stood with a proud grin on his face as Liam stepped back and sat on the boat. “So, who wants to go sailing?” He asked, flashing his signature smile.

trIplEcrOwngIrl 02-16-2011 12:30 PM

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Todd asked, pushing his dark rimmed glasses that matched his short, dark hair, up farther on his nose. “Hey Todd, check out John’s new boat!” Ashley exclaimed. “Whoa John, what a gift!” “Thanks man. Well, now that you’re here, we can go sailing!” Multiple “Yes!” went up from the group. “I don’t know guys, those clouds look like they could bring in something.” Todd said worriedly. “Ah, don’t be such a worrywart. We’ll be back before dark, we’ve got a party to get to, remember? Come on guys, let’s hit the sea!” Liam encouraged. “I don’t know about this Ash,” Todd confided, scratching his head. “Ah, it’ll be fun! Come on!” Todd reluctantly got in the boat as Liam untied them from the dock and John took his place at the wheel.
“Hey, who wants a soda?” Mandy asked as she grabbed some cans from the silver mini fridge. Just as she began to pass them around to her friends lounging in the lawn chairs, John stepped over to the wheel. “Uh, guys, I’m gonna go ahead and turn us around now. It will be getting dark soon and the wind is beginning to blow pretty hard.” No one had even had time to protest when a wave grabbed their little dinghy and shook it. “Whoa! Hold on everybody! Here comes another one!” Liam screamed out. “Mandy!” Ashley shrieked as Mandy lost her balance and started to topple over the side of the boat. John reached out and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her back in. “Everybody, put on a life jacket!” Todd ordered as he handed them out. The snaps of the buckles couldn’t be heard over the crashing waves. Liam groaned as he struggled to keep the boat on course to home. “John, help!” He cried out as the wheel began to spin as the boat turned.


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