Body is breaking down and doctor isn't helping the matter any. *Vent*
I just need somewhere to vent because everything has just compiled into one big mess and it seems that the people who are around me for this (which don't get me wrong, I'm entirely grateful to) are just desensitized to it, if that makes any sense at all.
I went and saw my knee surgeon about my knee and had a not so pleasant conversation with him. When I first broke it he said riding might be out of the question, then I had surgery and he said that I could definitely return to riding around the same time as I returned to driving. Well, yesterday he seemingly had a revelation about riding. I asked him when I could attempt riding again (as I'm going to be attempting driving soon) and assured him that I wasn't going to go all out for a while but just work on getting on and off, just being given a pony ride on my horse that I know won't do anything and work at getting my body back into its routine. He got very silent and told me "Wait a little longer". So I was game, and was trusting his judgement because after all- he's the surgeon. Then we got to talking about how long I was standing on it (per his instructions) and moving on it as exercise (keeping in mind that I'd asked him about grooming my horse and he'd given me the go ahead because it would get my body and mind back into it's normal routine of exercise). He asked if I was still grooming my horse and I said yes, and then the guy had a little bit of a heart attack on me.
He went into this lecture on how I shouldn't be doing anything with horses, because "I won't be able to ride/work like I used to". I asked him what he meant (trying to stay calm) and assured him that I knew it would take time, effort, and adapting because it's not going to be the same again, but I was prepared for it (then reminded him in his words that the bone had been without blood supply for three weeks, and we wouldn't even know for two years whether or not it was alive until I actually put it through my regular exercise). Well, he went off on his tangent because my knee shouldn't have broken like it had (with his deduction it was a 1/100 chance it happened like that) and that it probably will dislocate and/or re-break when I ride or do anything with the horses for the rest of my life. He said that one tug of a horse on the lead rope in ten years could damage it again. Then he said I should take up a different sport like (and I kid you not): "Rock climbing, or soccer, maybe dance". These sports suggestions are coming from a guy who doesn't ride and told me that any running, or climbing, or joint heavy exercise would be out of the question.
I lost it then. I know I shouldn't have but I told him that I supposed we'd be seeing a lot of each other until he retired then, because I was not giving up my horses, my career and my passion. My mom chimed in and asked about me being a large animal vet.
In ten seconds he managed to make me doubt my capabilities of being an equine vet. He said I should switch my major and find a different school, if I was smart enough for vet school then I was probably smart enough for med school and really "what's the difference?". I honestly think what upsets me the most was that all these negative situations and don'ts were things that he assured us AFTER the surgery we're in the past and no worries. Everything looked better then he could have imagined considering how it went. Being a vet, was no problem, and neither was working the horses again in time. That's why I went with him instead of another surgeon, he was recommended at being very good at getting people's knees (especially young adults 18 to 30) who did very physical work back to near 100%. Now all of a sudden all the things that he assured me were fine aren't? I get prepare for the worst, but when it's a month or two later, you have no current xrays I consider your opinions a little sketchy, especially when you only see me once a month and refuse to tell me what will happen scientifically (and calmly) and what to do should this happen again (so I don't make the same mistakes that I did)
I think what hurt me the most was my mom trying to assure me that it was alright if I wanted to drop horses. She wouldn't sell ours and we could still go see them, and don't worry about the 10,000 I sunk into vet school already this year because it was still early and I could switch when I went back. I exploded. Needless to say I'm sure that the receptionist was surprised that someone with a broken/fixed leg and a bad back as well as being SEVERELY difficeint in vitamin D, E, and C and lethargic because of it could raise such a fuss.
Anyhow, the physical therapy place called (and I chose one locally because I wanted the surgeon to be able to see it quickly should something go wrong) and as we were talking and scheduling they asked about my riding. I told them that regardless of what the doctor had passed on I was going to be returning and they were surprised. The woman said that they would recommend the mounting and dismounting to help them loosen the muscles and scar tissue. That just confused me even more. Why would the surgeon be adamantly against riding/working and the P.T all for it? The P.T was brought in around the same time as my surgery because how it broke was odd and the surgeon wanted her in on it from the beginning to give input and be prepared.
I just feel lost and confused now. I had called my chiropractor to see if she knew any spine doctors (other than chiropractic) who would look at my spine and give another opinion to hers, and she had given me several doctors who said they would see me to consult. She's been amazing trying to help me put my body back in order. I haven't even contacted any of them because I suppose on one level I'm afraid of the verdict and that it really will kill any and all hope of riding/being a vet. My mom and dad keep dropping hints about what the doctor said and that "it's okay to change", but this is all I've ever known. I've only ever wanted to be around horses, I've only ever wanted to be a vet and I've never wanted anything else. My mom asked about the spine doctor and I told her I was putting it off because I'm already in debt to the insurance companies due to my knee and I won't add to her financial stress. Whenever I go out to the barn (which is becoming more frequently), my mom hovers excessively and is always telling me to be careful, Do X, Y, Z and then quit, don't tack up the horse when she rides, etc. It's really getting on my nerves because while I completely understand where she's coming from, when my spine was acting up (well before now) and I was told to take it easy none of these things seemed to apply, I shouldn't let something like that "change me" and it wasn't the end of horses and my career.... there seems to be a double standard with my knee.
I feel like at 18 years old my body's falling apart. I know I didn't take the absolute best care of my body (but then again who does?), and put it through the ringer with the horses and genetics dealt a cruel blow to a degree, but I tried my best. I don't feel like my parents (and some others) understand that no matter what I'm going to return to horses and try my best to be a vet and make farm calls because doing anything else would kill me inside. I'm sorry for the venting, sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest and my family isn't being a very good support system at the moment (though I do realize the stress and all that they've done for me, I just need it a little more). I'm always so glad that it wasn't any worse and that I'm doing okay health wise (I could be doing worse) I don't want to seem spoiled or ungrateful because there's always many others who have it worse. So sorry for the venting.